I hate feeling weak. I hate showing my weaknesses. And as such I really try hard to give the appearance of strength. Obviously I am not always strong. And anyone who reads this blog probably knows that to be true. But I dont want to be the weak one. My brother brought up an interesting point though. He said to me that relationships are not based on the strengths but the weaknesses. People become endeared to us through their weaknesses. And it the weaknesses and not the strengths that make us human to each other. And therefore someone real. And I know thats true. When I can only see the public face people put up, I like them so much less than when they let me in and show me their vulnerability, their weaknesses. Their humanity binds me to them. But I dont know that my vulnerability does the same. I know I'm a trustworthy person with other people's vulnerabilities, but not everyone is. And I dont think I can assume that everyone else finds people's vulnerabilities endearing. And I dont want to be the person to take the leap of faith. Because doing so leaves me wide open. I dont want to care when someone else doesnt. And I dont want to show I care (even if I do) when someone else doesnt. Doing so would show weakness. A weakness of feeling.
I know I'm not brave. I know I love the comfort and safety that are my closest friends and family. The trust we have is solid. I know that they would never purposefully hurt me. But showing others that I am weak is dangerous. And I just dont know that I can risk it.