Sunday, March 24, 2013

Hey, Did I Mention...

I'm going to Belize tomorrow morning.
I seem to leave for all big trips in a fury of emotion.
Its not ideal. Its not my favorite.
 Unlike when I left for Guatemala, I'm as packed as I'm going to be and it isn't even late in the night. And I was mostly packed yesterday. But as usual, the prospect of what's ahead leaves me wary.
While I had fun in Guatemala, what I remember the most vividly is how perfectly alone and heartbroken I felt in that small corner of the world - particularly at night time when I wasnt busy with the days activities and my friends. Made more poignant without the distractions of technology I usually have to numb the painful realities in my life. 
And my heartbreak is all the more fresh this time. 
I think I'm a terrible traveller. Grumpy and full of aches and pains.
But at least I'm packed well in advance. At least there's that.

I know I should just buck up. But I find that I am having a hard time pulling myself up. Each set back seems to drain my already dampened spirits of what little reserve I have left. 
And there is so little left.
And I am so easily discouraged. 

I know it'll be fun. And at least I wont have to work. I just wish I could convince myself to be more excited for it. Because it is such a fun out of the ordinary thing. But I feel like I am filling my life with out of the ordinary things because I cannot have what I want. And its a very empty sort of full life I have.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Dear [Love]

Its strange to know that the change from you being there and you being gone was instantaneous. Like none before you, you left no hope of return upon your exit. You looked at me, not with your previous tenderness, but with a resoluteness that chilled me to my core. As one who was so very firmly decided. And I know that your departure will be swift. There are no letters to reminisce over. No songs to torture. No wavering from your choice. Ours was a relationship that was only in person. It was only in each others presences. And just like that, it is gone. It amazes me how quickly there is nothing left where once there was so much.
You werent unfair in how you broke up with me. You weren't unduly cruel. Besides, of course, the breaking of my heart. But I gave it to you easily and freely. And I knew this was a possibility of such an act. I only wish you would have wanted it. That it wasnt so easy to discard. 
I wanted you. I wanted us. But I am no stranger to disappointment. Each man chooses his own path. And love is never enough. And while my heart aches, I also know that I am one who was built to weather such storms, no matter the wear it leaves. I am no stranger to disappointment. And I have become well suited for it.
So there is that.

All my best. All my love.

Its the frustration and sense of failure
and the nagging notion that I'll never
be enough that I find altogether less 
than pleasurable - the math of too 
much somehow adding up to not 
enough. Too emotional, too honest, 
too demanding, too picky, too much 
of too many things. Altogether, not
enough. Somehow, still not enough.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013


Brian's Dad has recently gotten his pilots license.
He offered to take us for a ride. I know that a small plane would make a lot of people nervous, but honestly, I didnt even give it a second thought. I was more anxious about getting motion sick. 

We went up and flew to Lethbridge and back. 
The whole ride took only have forty minutes. It was rad though.
I always love looking out at everything below. 

And Bri's Dad let him steer for a little bit. 

It definitely was a fun, out of the ordinary, thing to do. I'm not sure I'd want to fly long distances in such a small plane, but little jaunts around are kinda cool.