I'm going to Belize tomorrow morning.
I seem to leave for all big trips in a fury of emotion.
Its not ideal. Its not my favorite.
Unlike when I left for Guatemala, I'm as packed as I'm going to be and it isn't even late in the night. And I was mostly packed yesterday. But as usual, the prospect of what's ahead leaves me wary.
While I had fun in Guatemala, what I remember the most vividly is how perfectly alone and heartbroken I felt in that small corner of the world - particularly at night time when I wasnt busy with the days activities and my friends. Made more poignant without the distractions of technology I usually have to numb the painful realities in my life.
And my heartbreak is all the more fresh this time.
I think I'm a terrible traveller. Grumpy and full of aches and pains.
But at least I'm packed well in advance. At least there's that.
I know I should just buck up. But I find that I am having a hard time pulling myself up. Each set back seems to drain my already dampened spirits of what little reserve I have left.
And there is so little left.
And I am so easily discouraged.
I know it'll be fun. And at least I wont have to work. I just wish I could convince myself to be more excited for it. Because it is such a fun out of the ordinary thing. But I feel like I am filling my life with out of the ordinary things because I cannot have what I want. And its a very empty sort of full life I have.