I'm out of sorts today (and by today I mean everyday). Too many nonsensical thoughts rolling around. All of them unfinished. All of them just short of the point. Too often that is where my thoughts end - I feel like I'm almost to a point of comprehension, and then my thoughts stop short and I am left feeling disjointed. That enlightenment that I desperately need dances in front of me, just out of reach. Mocking - always mocking. Daily frustrations, little disappointments, this book, that book, my reactions, the way I wish I had reacted, little offenses, little fears, bigger insecurities; It all plays together and each pulls until I am fragmented. I have so many half thoughts about everything.
I started Mockingjay last night at 9:30 pm and finished it at 6:30 am this morning. My sleep feels haunted by my half thoughts lately. And becoming absorbed in this book seemed like a better alternative than being tortured by my simultaneous exhaustion and inability to stop obsessing. But I woke up knowing I needed to get things done. Little and necessary things. But I get annoyed so quickly these days when things dont go exactly how I expect they should. And even as my voice begins to contain that edge - I know its unkindness and my own shortcomings that are coming through in these moments. I am weak. I should be better controlled. Speak softly. But my hair runs wild around my face, my eyes are hard and my voice full of unforgiving reprimand. I watch myself from the outside and know that the bank teller trying to give me four quarters instead of forty dollars worth of quarters, has made a tiny slip. She misheard. Logically I know she doesnt deserve the tone of impatience or the cold look, that I see more than feel, sweep across my face. I am a storm brewing beneath the surface. Uncontrolled, unstable. I never have been one for pretending. But I know I need to temper myself. And this new stress that has been added to my life, like none I've ever dealt with before, is having its way with me. I want to stand, rod-straight as it tries to uproot me completely. But instead I fold and bend to its angry will. Interpretive dance for the unwilling. And in turn, I want to lash out. Push away the people that I wish I could pull close. Because I live in my head. And that will always be a life of solitude. And frustration. Always frustrated people dont understand my motives, dont understand my questions, dont understand my needs.
Little thoughts flick across my mind. None of them completely true. None of them completely untrue. I hate people. There is no one to depend on but yourself. Kindness is never as honest as cruelty. I ache to be numb and at the same time struggle with the knowledge that I must stay present.
I know that my errands will lead me in proximity to Barnes and Noble. And I know I will stop and run my fingertips along the covers of many books. So many stories - so much truth and untruth are contained within those pages. I pick up Flipped by Wendelin Van Draanen. Its not a terribly long book but I've already taken it home and devoured it. Two books in less than 24 hours. But it has given me more half thoughts. It is a brilliantly thoughtful book. I think it has a lot to say. And a lot to offer. My restless mind, wants to find solace in its pages. But the truth I pull from its pages, are seen through my inept eyes and immediately tainted by my inadequacies and prejudices.
Katniss, speaks of her realization that the hijacked Peeta finally sees her for who she really is - his hatred opening his eyes in a way that his love always blinded him. I grasp the full sentiment behind a statement such as that. The truth and untruth contained within it. To constantly push the boundaries of your relationships. Testing the breaking point with a scientific urgency. To never trust that when you push, someone will bother to push back. Always knowing that each time it rebounds, the time for it to break ever draws nearer. Pushing, while all the while wishing you were easier, less contradictory, and less independent.
Sometimes, things, people, and ideas are more than the sum of their parts. And its a sight of beauty, breathing life into your suffocated lungs, when thats the case. But sometimes they are less.
And maybe thats what I'm searching for. Some understanding. I re-hash my confusions, it feels like, on a daily basis. But I just want to be able to grasp life. I want more than half a thought. I want the whole thing. To glean from it, every little truth. To hold that close and warm to me, in the cold moments of uncertain turmoil that seem to surround me.
Lately I've been thinking about a few movies/books that I've really enjoyed.
Before dental school, reading was something I would only allow myself to do during holidays. I like reading but I have a nasty habit of getting completely engrossed in books. I dont eat, sleep, shower or, most importantly, study. Whereas movies have always been my guilty habit while I'm in school. I know I shouldnt watch as many movies as I do, but living vicariously through characters calms me. And movies dont really require a lot of effort - which is pretty perfect for the busy, overstressed student. But this year I have become voracious in my need to read (tho my need to watch movies has not decreased). I'm tired of making lists upon list. I'm tired of waiting. I guess I've come to the realization that if I moderate my reading just a little bit, I dont have to wait.
Besides the point. Sharing is caring, right?
I cant tell you how much I usually loathe zombie movies. They're full of gore (in a non-thriller movie sort of way - which I dont really enjoy), and the post-apocalytic world is completely depressing. Now, Zombieland tho - Zombieland. I can barely express how amazing this movie is. Its hilarious. And I watched it on a lark. Which I think made its hilarity so unexpected and that much more wonderful. Low expectations really are the greatest. It had me bursting out loud at every turn. There was hardly a moment where I wasnt in love with the witty dialogue and brilliant narration. But it wasnt just funny. It was such a multi-dimensional film, where there was well-acted dramatic scenes, along with comical zombie moments and a little bit of action thrown in there. If you havent seen this movie, I strongly give my stamp of approval and encouragement to see it. There is a Zombieland 2 rumored to be in development and I legitimately can not be more excited for a sequel.
2. The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo Series
I know this is one of those book series that has become the "It" books to read lately. I see people on the T reading one of the three all the time. But it is so well recognized because it is just that good. There were moments where I became ridiculously ancy, continuously shifting my reading position because of all the intrigue and suspense contained in these books. I couldnt just sit and read quietly - I was an active participant in these stories. The only devastating part of this series is the fact that the author, Stieg Larsson has already died. The novels were published after his death. Which is tragic in a very common literary way - cause I would read more novels from him if they existed. I really enjoyed his style of writing. Its set in Sweden, so the names of people and places can be tricky, but since I wasnt reading out loud to anyone, the pronunciations in my head will always be the correct pronunciations. Do yourself a favor if you like to read at all (or even if you dont) - Read these books.
3. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
"A zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains"
I know I know. Apparently I'm all pro-Zombies movement or something. But I heard from a reliable book source that this was a good book. And by reliable I mean, I heard from someone else, that someone I usually approve of their taste in books enjoyed this. All hearsay and just the way I like it. I had my doubts. I mean I have all sorts of hesitancies about Jane Austen books. And part of me wanted to have read the original first. But since a bigger part of me thinks that stories where everything works out perfectly (with regards to love) are a little unrealistic (my own mother called my taste in literature a little twisted since I would rather read about the worst parts of human nature than the unrealistic love stories) - I figured the addition of zombies would even things out. The thing with this book, is that I really liked how quick and razor sharp some of the prose was. Jane Austen wins again. It actually made me want to read the original and try to see what changes were made. But it was good. Turns out classic literature and the supernatural go quite well together. I suppose when it comes down to it, I like the message that this book sent. Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy didnt immediately fall in love. In fact they pretty much hated each other. But it was through small means, and looking at the other person in a different light, that their love grew. Not some ridiculous three day love. I love that Elizabeth rejected Mr. Darcy. And yet he continued to love her and in fact, developed a more noble sort of affection. Its a nice message to send home to the kids: Sometimes at the end of the day, all you want is someone to fight zombies with. That is love.
Everyday comes with a torrent of things that need to be added to my ever growing to do list. Half of them I have no idea of how to accomplish. And they drop them like we should have been aware of these requirements the entire time. No - actually this is the first I'm hearing of it. And despite my blatant inadequacies, I keep pushing ahead. I'm tired. I'm anxious. I just want to feel like I know what I'm doing. But instead I feel stressed. And I keep pushing ahead. I go through the motions, faking like I know what I'm doing. Continuing to book patients, see patients and fill out paperwork. And except the occasional facial slip that reveals just exactly how tense I am, I probably look like I'm doing alright. But I'm not. This new territory called clinic is too much. And no one tells you before hand anything. And I hate being told, "Oh you should have done this. Didnt you do this? This needs to be done." There's no freaking time. And before it was mentioned I had no idea it was necessary. Why did no one mention this before? And I want solid answers, not wishy-washy, "not sure"'s and "every person you talk to will give a different recommendation" type answers. I had my first non-dental student patient today. And the appointment went fine I suppose, but I came home and cried. The patient was great (even though he was late) and I got through most of what I had planned to accomplish today but I ended the appointment with a sure knowledge that I am in over my head. I need five years of experience under my belt. Hell, I'd settle for one. And I know, logically that the expertise will come with practice and experience. But I'm tired, I'm stressed and I want someone to guide me through this. All I want is a little hand holding. But there is no one and I'm supposed to just know what to do. I dont like this. I feel so unsure. But I have to act like I'm not unsure, like it isnt my first time. I dont like being unsure and never knowing which direction to head or if I'm doing it correct. It has me all out of sorts. And figuring out how to be in clinic is taking up the majority of my time right now. And I still have classes that need to be studied for. I wish they would put what we need to know in one spot. I wish they would of spent more time preparing us for the ACTUAL clinic (and all the realities it comes with - like paperwork). But mostly I wish I already knew everything I need to know.
(Please note that despite my insecurities, procedure-wise I'm competent hence the advancement into clinic... its putting the patient care all together thats giving me grief)
Hey, i'm writing you a memo. Why? Don't ask why. Why is but the venture following the means that is what, and what this memo is is a reminder. A reminder for you to put away any despotic mental nuances that currently plague your mind from believing me when I speak of your endearing qualities.
- identity of author guessed at but not doubtlessly known
(This reminder was written with the intention of reaffirming the persons affections for me. I was supposed to find it and swoon at the sentiment. But instead I find it months after the fact. My "endearing qualities" no longer generate such affection. Where is that affection now? Lying in a ditch somewhere. I think its hilariously ironic)
She's one of the younger cousins (A good twenty years my junior).
And pretty universally a favorite of all the older cousins.
We love taking pictures of her.
And helping her.
And often teasing her.
She's just a very fun little child for the most part.
And very, very likable.
We brought her boating with us and the Aunts had been told that she didnt like water.
This proved to be false. She went in the water with her clothes on she liked it so much.
We even got her on a (really tame) tube ride.
She death gripped it the entire time, but wanted to do it again the next day.
But boating with the cousins can be an event to say the least. One boat and fifty billion naggy little cousins who each think they should be the boss and dont have to worry about taking turns. But for the most part I was pleasantly surprised how well it turned out. There were annoying children, but there were some good ones too.
Elisha and Moroni.
Aunt Paula, Meribah, Peyton, Joe and my Dad.
While we were by the shore Maikal was resting on a tube. And when I looked over he had Peyton dragging him around in the water. He invited me to come join, so I asked if Peyton was alright with that.
She was so I hopped on. Our Peyton engine is the best engine ever. She was so cute pulling us around. And if it got to deep we'd pull her up.
And her and Meribah were cute playing in the boat. We only managed to convince Peyton once to come on the tube. But she sat between Maikal and I, so it felt like a victory having her trust us to keep her safe, even tho we were going super slow.
My dad checking the new boating mirror out.
Maikal and I.
There was of course, a tube ride where the "Big" kids, showed the little kids how it was done. The untip-able tube was tipped. Twice. But only twice cause we were one well oiled group, with all our leaning; it was perfection.
Tell me thats not a hilarious picture?
Iohane, Me and Maikal.
These two in particular are two of my favorites.
Tho I do wish a cousin posse picture had been taken.
Dear Laundry Fingers - Just so you know, the entire apartment building (which consists of 3 apartments) shares the one washer/dryer set. Sometimes, you have to wait to do your laundry. Its a fact of life. So maybe you could ease up on the impatience and not touch my laundry. Because guess what? Now you have to wait for me to finish using the dryer. Kthankxbye.
Dear Jerkface Pedestrians -
Remember when we were heading towards each
other on a confined sidewalk?
Remember how I was running towards you, with
a fence to my right?
Remember how you and your friends didnt even.
attempt to make room for me to head past you on
Remember when you got hipchecked by me cause
I could either slam into the fence or run through
Ya, you would probably get hip checked less, if
you learned to be a bit less of a egocentric jerk on
sidewalks. Cause next time I wont try to temper
me slamming into you.
Dear SPS -
I dont understand why my appointments
still say they are pending. They are real appointments
I swear. And I know you arent broken.
Lucinda booked an appointment after me and it already got
Awhile ago there came an offer from BU ASDA (american student dental association) to get tickets to see Cirque du Soleil. Having never seen it I was interested. So I bought a ticket. I didnt particularly care if I ended up going by myself. Cause sometimes ya gotta get over needing to do things with other people. If I waited till I had someone to do the things I want to do with I would probably stay at home all the time and never do anything.
Tonite was the appointed night. Dee, her roommate Meg, their friend Whitney and myself all met beforehand to go for dinner near where the show was gonna be. It was packed and we ended up running into two fourth years (Liz and Heather) and so they joined us for dinner.
(Meg, Whitney, Liz, Heather, Dee and Myself before the show)
I generally like shows (having an appreciation for the arts la-ti-da). But I was a little skeptical about this one. Yes, it had had amazing reviews and the very little I know about Cirque Du Soleil lends me to believe that its always amazing. But when I got ambitious today and looked up what the show (I mean I had bought the ticket knowing absolutely nothing) was about I was unsure how it'd turn out. I mean its about bugs and an egg that comes into the community. I mean I definitely had my favorite parts but it was worth it overall.
So here is a list of my favorite parts:
1. The Grasshopper-Tramp-Red Spider Section
Mm dang. This part was the freaking bombdiggity. First off, I am in complete awe of that little red spider. That girl is amazing. And I loved her the entire show - she was really a main person but she was always around and always catching my attention. And gravity doesnt apply to her. For real there was one part where she was scaling down the climbing wall and I had the surreal sense that for her there's no such thing as gravity. And the grasshoppers were just freaking cool. Lots of flipping and bouncing from the tramp onto the wall.
2. Little Red Ants
How is it possible for some people to have such control over the smallest part of their body. They were flipping each other with their feet, and spinning things over and over. I was in awe over their control.
3. The big twisty monster
I just liked it ok. I kept having to rework in my mind where the person inside of this costume would be as it twisted and turned.
4. Spider dude
At one point this guy was holding onto a bar that was balanced on the rope and completely leaned over one side in a handstand. I literally could not figure out how he wasnt toppling right over. To have mad skills like this you must have to be born into the circus - cause I cant fathom regular ol' people having these kind of logic/gravity defying skills.
The jist of it?
It was awesome.
My favorite part of the night was our means of getting home. All over Boston I see the pedi-bike cabs. And I have wanted to take one before, but didnt know what kinda rate they charge or what their deal was. So when we ran into a pedi-cab outside we decided it was a much better form of transportation than the T or a cab.
Plus how awesome is our pedi-drivers stache. And yes, he totally had a mohawk rocking too. He was pretty funny. And a good sport about lugging four girls piled up behind him.
Um yes we were booking it along for the most part. And no we didnt stop for stop lights if at all possible.
Best way to travel ever. And pedi-cabs work based on tips. So however much you wanna tip 'em is how much the ride costs. I might just be taking a few more rides like this.
That Clinic might just kill me. I'm not sure why, but the school seems to have decided that we're good to go, and given us all a loving pat on the head and a push on the bum out the door. We are on our own. I've been wandering between areas of the clinic, asking questions about protocol, trying to find someone who knows what I'm talking about, talking to my other classmates trying to glean any knowledge they may have picked up, requesting my charts, reading my charts and generally just freaking out. But I decided that its sink or swim baby. So I called up one of my patients today (Mr. R seemed like a good place to start since he's never been a patient at the school before - a fresh start, if you will) and had to do a little ridiculous back and forth phoning to get his appointment booked. But booked it is. I'm nervous. And feel like I dont quite know which way is up. All I want is a little hand holding - is that too much to ask?
Dear BU Dental-
Can you work out a system where you actually
tell the new clinic students a step by step of
what they should be doing? Cause pretty sure
the majority of us have no idea.
One Confused New Clinician
P.S. I know I'll be fine, but I hate feeling like I dont know what I'm doing. (Also, dont worry, Mr. R is not his real name. I believe in HIPAA and not getting in trouble for violating it)
Yup. Thats right folks. I just signed up for a 10K.
So Lucinda and Dee pretty much swear by doing races consistently as some much needed motivation for keeping at the drudgery that sometimes is exercising. And they invited me to sign up for this 10K with them. But I'm kinda a suck face runner lately, so I've been really hesitant.
But - I got a proposition this week from Royall.
I realized that I mention Royall on a fairly regular basis, but dont often post pictures of Royall (since our hang outs never seem to be documented). So meet Royall. Well, Royall is a fitness enthusiast if ever there was one. We used to make work out goals together all the time back in first year. She even mentioned a couple months ago, us doing the Magrath Tri (her and Matt have already done it once, and I was supposed to do it that year but chickened out). So in order to combat that sometimes I'm a total work out flake, Royall proposed that we train for the Magrath Tri 2011. A year away to give us plenty of time. We'd both be setting small, manageable goals and checking in every month, to help keep each other motivated and see how we're doing.
So I suppose I'm killing two birds with one stone: My dental friends are happy I'm joining in on the race and I'm keeping motivated with Royall for our goals.
Family Tradition: We strap tubes to our cars, drive just outside of Cardston and float down the river.
We've been doing it forever. For as long as I can remember. At least once a year, when the Utah Aunts come for a visit (or more if we're sans jobs). If we're lucky its hot when we go down the river, if we're not the Utah Aunts also brought miserable rain with them. But its always fun. There's a cousin posse. I love the cousin posse. I would choose to hang out with them over anyone. They're one of my favorite parts of coming home.
(Amy Wilde & Jesse)
(Uncle Matt & Meribah)
Pretty classic to strap the tubes to the roof.
One year when held the tubes outside the windows as we drove.
We also got pulled over by a cop that year.
(Aunt Paula, Mom, Peyton, Uncle Dale)
Maikal decided he wanted my tube.
I was opposed to that idea.
He tried to snipe the tube from me. I won.
Round one that is.
He got me back on the river by dumping me from my tube and usurping it.
(Mysha & Iohane)
Uncle Dale is always prepared. Full body wetsuit? Check. Large makeshift tube raft? Double check.
Our cousin tube train was maybe a little ambitious. Usually just a couple tubes latch together to ride the river. We decided to go with six or seven different tubes. Nice inclusive idea... that resulted in one massive tube explosion when because of the lack of mobility, the tube got caught on a really pointy rock.
Bahaha. I love Mysha's face here.
(Iohane & Mysha)
(P.S. I love Amy Wilde's face here. She is just completely adorable and I'm glad she stayed so she could come tubing with us)
It was a great day. Even when Ben drove off in the Red Car with everyone's stuff in it.
(Dont worry, that XL little boys PJ set was skintastic)
We had a big extended family FHE. Which was something.
The story of how my Grandpa and Grandma Lowry met was told.
He was on his mission in the Cook Islands. And my grandma (who wasnt a member) got dared to come into the church building that the Elders were building or renovating. He saw her, she left and he got transferred to a different island. But apparently he couldnt stop thinking about her after he'd been transferred. They were maybe in the same room for five minutes. So he wrote to her and asked her to wait for him to finish his mission, and then he'd come back and marry her. She said no. So he asked her to pray about it and she changed her mind.
I realize that this is my heritage and that the story, of course, happened because I am a direct result of it. But my mind cannot wrap itself around it. If one of my brothers wrote home and told me they saw a girl for five minutes and now wanted to marry her, I would tell them they were crazy. Things like that just arent done. They dont work out. That course of action, is russian roulette with your heart and completely foolish. I just dont see how its possible to love someone so immediately. My grandfather didnt know my grandma at all - so how could he love her so instantly. I realize its history and doesnt matter, but I dont understand it. Not even a little bit. I explained my skepticism to my father and he said that my great grandpa Lowry was already dead so my grandpa Lowry didnt have a father to write to and who would tell him to keep his mind on his mission. I mentioned my unbelief in the situation to a friend who chalked it up to following the Lords counsel. Both those are all well and good, but where was the risk assessment, the pro/con list? Cause I feel like, situations like that, more often than not, would end very badly.
My brother asked the question "Is it possible to fall in love in three days?" To which I would respond a resounding no. I understand that if you have a checklist of things required to fall in love, and within three days someone meets the checklist, you might call that love. But I think that constancy and appreciating someone for who they really are make up love. And both of those require time. I doubt I'll have to eat my words anytime soon, but I dont think I could trust a "three day love"... if those emotions were generated so quickly, couldnt they just as easily evaporate? You have to be able to trust the dependancy of someone's affections and how can you possibly do that if you dont really know the person? Call me cynical but I think crushes can be a three day thing, not love.