Seriously my dental group is the bomb. We decided that after the massacre Remo Final that another game party was necessary. And Tis' the season for ugly sweaters and what not. It really was great fun. The funniest part? Probably when there was the random circle of dance - Derrick and Baker would switch the tv to a random music station and people around the circle would have to dance to the appointed music. Funny to watch. Awkward to participate in.
What did I wear? Turns out, finding an ugly christmas sweater can be a challenge. I went after my test and before the party to search for something appropriate - but it was pretty much not happening. So I improvised. Robert told me several times that I definitely was the prettiest present at the party and won the sweater competition. Rob is ridiculous. But people really loved the humongous bow I had going on.
Of course after multiple shots of people pointing at my bow, it kinda started feeling like those pregnancy shots when people put their hands on the baby belly.
"Aww, the baby..."
My most ridiculous friend of the night - Aaron.
He was all over the joint.
Alisun invited me to her groups' ugly christmas sweater party. Seeing as I was leaving early the next morning to go home, I didnt bother pretending to come up with a sweater. But it was fun. Turns out I just love the people in my dental class. For real everyone is great.
I love that you brought sweaters for the three of us to wear. Along with several other accessory goodies (a Christmas pen in your hair - why yes, that does sound lovely!).
I love that you let me take a kajillion photos.
I love how awesomely cheesy Christmas we were.
I love that taking photos in front of the present pile (cause we didnt have our tree set up yet) was my favorite part of the night cause the party was LAME.
I love that Matt wore that ridiculous burger king antler crown through the entire party.
I love how seriously we were taking Christmas in this photo.
But mostly I love this little ditty.
Because nothing is more christmasy than a stocking taped to your back pocket. Nothing I say.
When I was in elementary school my best friend was Sarah Bradshaw. She was beautiful and funny. She was on the elite soccer team in Lethbridge and did gymnastics. Two things I wanted to do but didnt do. Two qualities I wanted to embody but was too insecure to epitomize. And I remember that while I wasnt allowed to go to the mall by myself, she used to take the bus and go hang out there. I was always so envious. Envious but afraid to do the same. As a ten year old, I remember distinctly thinking to myself that it was awkward going to the mall by yourself. You didnt have anyone to talk to. There was no one there to ask approval and validation from. And you walked around lonely, hoping that no one would notice that you had no one to be there with.
Even as a young child I knew that the self-confidence to be alone was something that I wanted. More than being in gymnastics and playing on an elite soccer team, I wanted to be ok being by myself. I started small, with the mall. At first it was awkward. I felt like people were staring and wondering why I was by myself. I hated when I'd see someone I knew there.
But as I stopped worrying about other people I began to enjoy the solitude. I didnt have to wait for other people in stores I was done with. If I was tired of being there I could just leave. And I could take as long as I wanted trying things on, without worrying that someone else was bored. It became a nice break from other people. I could think and search and not worry.
But I wasnt done there. I love going to movies, but convincing people to want to see the same movies can often be a challenge. The day I started going to movies by myself was bliss. Sure, waiting in line to get a ticket was a little weird. But once I sat down, I enjoyed the movie just as much as if I had been accompanied. And often more - because going by myself gave me a thrill of independence.
Last May I made another step forward. When I first graduated from high-school I worked at the Ric's Grill Water-tower restaurant as a hostess. It was shamelessly boring most of the time, but several times a week in the afternoon a man would come and sit at the same table and eat and read the paper. As his wait staff we cursed him something awful because he would sit for hours and his tip was pitiful. But there was something about going to a nice restaurant and sitting down for a good meal by yourself that instantly appealed to me. Well it has been years since that man eating alone. But one night I wanted to go out to eat. So I went to a restaurant. The hostess asked for how many and I said one. She asked if I wanted to sit at the bar and I declined that offer. I wanted to sit at a table and enjoy a nice meal.
I had thought that it would be weird eating alone in a restaurant. But it wasnt. I watched other tables while I waited for my food. I sat and thought about whatever that came to mind. And when my food came, I ate. I didnt feel uncomfortable. Ididnt feel lonely. What I felt was contentment. I had decided that my own company was company enough. And that was rather satisfying.
While I've been slowly improving at contented solitude, I'm not perfect at it. (Nor do I think I should be or ever will be.) Boston has been lonely for me. You dont realize how surrounded you are by people and how involved until you move away from them all. But every time I go to a movie by myself, or shopping, or whatever act of contented solitude I choose, I remember that being alone is sometimes the thing that shows you're ok as a person. I think its good to be able to do things by yourself.
"If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it.
Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. but lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.
Cuz if you're happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay."
1. Signature Capturer - I went on a signature safari today. Weaving in and out stalking and hunting down my prey. I now feel like a total signature Bad-A. Ya, I managed to get three critical signatures, plus a couple things authorized on the computer. Its kinda a big deal.
2. Group Study - the core of my study group is me, Derrick and Lucinda. And as difficult as this year has been, I also feel like I am so very glad to have been incorporated into their group because they are so funny. I was never a group studier before. Pretty sure I didnt talk to a single person in any of my classes all through undergrad. But the group study has been particularly paying off this year. And by paying off I mean making it so I dont fail.
3. Learning and Retaining - Every now and again I feel amazed at the things I do know. There is so much that is still so new and often confusing. But every now and again I will remember something and realize how far I've come. The feeling is usually fleeting, but for that short moment I feel like I will be alright.
4. Mormons and Swearing - My exam on Tuesday was Remo. Remo is making dentures. And it is awful. People - please keep your teeth - dentures suck. And so do the Remo faculty. They insist on making Remo convoluted and confusing. And they're crazy. They suck at teaching and explaining the material. But they equally suck at testing us on the material we've been taught. So we had a huge final on Tuesday. It covered everything I've learned in Remo since coming to dental school. And it promised to be a total slaughterhouse. So I get into the exam, set my book bag at the front of the room and take a seat. Well Dr. Maloof begins rampaging around the room terrorizing all the students about wearing jackets - ya, thats just what we need right before an incredibly challenging final - someone screaming at us about not being allowed to wear a jacket. I choose to ignore her. But she comes over to me and begins to demand that I take my touque off. Maloof - "HATS off! You cant wear that - its school policy! Take it off right now!" Me - "Really? Its just a touque. You're really going to make me take it off?"
So she starts turning around and I start telling my friends what a ridiculous request she is making, since no other examiner has ever required that and it is most definitely not school policy when she whips back around on me. "Excuse me?!?! You dont get to SWEAR at me!! That kind of language is UNACCEPTABLE!! This is a dental school and as such you need to behave in a professional manner!"
Meanwhile, everyone in my vicinity has turned around with disbelief. "I didnt swear at you." "Yes you did! And that is simply unacceptable and unprofessional. If you didnt swear then what did you say?"
Everyone in my vicinity immediately begins coming to my rescue confirming what I have said. "I said that you were being ridiculous. I didnt swear at you."
To this she gives me a dirty look, not even waiting till I finish speaking and rushes off screaming at someone she caught wearing a scarf.
Everyone around me could not believe her. "Ya, the MORMON is swearing at you" was said incredulously more than once. I just apologized for me and my mormon swearing. Sometimes I forget myself and gosh darn it, will have to try harder to refrain from my mormon swearing. Since then its been a huge joke that when I say something, people will look at me and go "Easy with the language." What can I say? I'm a work in progress.
5. Small Wars - I often wish I felt brave and safe enough to put into words the things that I feel. I wish I didnt feel selfish divulging my inner thoughts. I wish my dichotomous feelings werent battling within me at all times. I wish I was the person I ought to be more often than the person I tend to be. I wish wishing wasnt a waste of time...
I woke up to head to my Oral Diagnosis rotation. It only takes up the morning. I fully intended to change into sweats and then head back to school. Or perhaps pretend to exercise for a minute and then head to school. I wanted to go to that Oral Path review session. I needed some productive group study. I texted back and forth with Derrick and Lucinda. But when it came right down to it, I stayed exactly where I was. In my bed. I couldnt convince myself to leave. I knew that life outside of my bed existed. I knew that my productivity outside of my bed existed. But no amount of self-badgery could convince me to move. I had chosen my spot and wanted nothing more than to die in this spot. So it is hours later and I'm still debating blowing off my study group so I can stay right where I am. Great. I'm quite the student.
Is it so wrong that sometimes I adore how I look in sweatpants? Doesnt matter that I still have my greasy travel hair or that I've got some serious winter weight going on. I can tell that its getting close to the end of the semester because my sleeping habits have once again made me nocturnal. The only difference from this year and last year is my dedication to pilates and about ten pounds. Damn me and my stress eating and lack of exercise motivation lately. But lately I've been reading quite a few blogs that post their daily outfits and little fashion segments. And I really like it. I love people watching and seeing how people are choosing to portray themselves. I love picking things I like and dont like; things I want to try or not try. My only real dilemma is my lack of any reasonable fashion sensibility and my day job. (And perhaps my moderate body self-loathing... thats healthy right?) I keep wanting to take pictures of my outfits... but truthfully, my outfits arent much, even when I'm dressing up and you would be surprised at how difficult it is to take photos of yourself that actually show more than just one body part at a time. Believe me, I procrastinate far too often to not have a whole album of reject self-portraits on hand at any given moment. Oddly enough, I've come to realize that my favorite part of my face, is when I'm not smiling and goes from just below my eyes to my chin at an off angle. And yes, I just got that specific. I wasnt kidding about the multiple vanity albums. Did I forget to mention it was multiple before? Silly me. The point? If you're offering to take awkward outfit photos of me I suppose I'll have to accept. But be prepared for it to get weird.