This last year was my undoing. Everything seemed to fall apart and all the things that I loved and found easy became difficult. I struggled; Daily, constantly. And nothing seemed to ease the tension and stress I felt.
I forgot myself and couldn't remember how I ever enjoyed things. Or what things made me happy. Because while I put up a good show of momentary happiness, nothing really touched below the surface.
I am imperfect. So flawed that sometimes I can't fathom how I have accomplished anything. And those flaws seemed to be the only things I could see.
My cousin Erika wrote a post recently about striving for perfection. And how when we try to reach perfection on our own, it has us feelings like we are nothing but our failings. I am tired of feeling like a failed human being. I'm tired of forgetting that I don't need to be perfect. And that I can let God and other people help to make up my shortcomings.
Last year may have been my undoing but I want this year to help me rebuild.
And along with that I want to work to remember what I love to do. I used to love to blog. But this last year, I think it felt too raw to document how things were going. So this is where I'm starting. Because I want to be able to see my life for what it is and document and learn from it. The good and the bad. And remember how to appreciate my life for what it is rather than what it isn't.
Mostly what I want from this year is to heal. And become a person that I love again.
Everyone tells me that you're playing me. That you have made every girl who comes near you feel as if you cared so deeply for them in this same way. That I am just one among many. And I want to believe you. That you mean the things you say. That you love me. That you wouldn't make me feel lonely. But you lie so well. How can I know which lies are the truths when you interchange them with such ease? Do you love me less when I say things you don't want to hear? Are you accepting of me? Even the things you dislike? Because I often feel that if I said all the things I'm too fearful to say that you wouldn't just not love me, but you wouldn't even like me. You'd ignore me and leave me be. I mean, isn't it with a sigh of burden that you deal with me when I try to ask what we are? And is it really so overbearing of me to want to know if we are exclusive and that I am not just convenient. Am I special? I can't say for sure that I am. And I wish I didn't doubt your sincerity. But I do.
Because maybe all you want is someone who hangs on your every word and kisses you. Because you don't want to date me. And how do I know that I am different from the Jenny's or the Kendras or the wake of other girls who all thought they were special to you but werent? That the reason you dont want to date is not self implosion but just a lack of commitment and a desire to have the perks of dating with none of the commitment of actual dating? You can't even tell me that you would hate if I decided to date someone else. And I'd only date someone else because I don't wanna be that pathetic girl who waits around for a guy who will never even date her. I would hate if you found someone else. Its not about possession. Its about valuing me enough to not want to lose me to someone else. I am a person not a possession but do you value the fact that I pick being with you? Can you tell me you value me? Did you see my face when I saw you? Because I know other people did. I beamed. At you. For you.
Are your feelings genuine? How can I possibly know? You say your family knows what it means for me to show up again in your life. But do I?
I'm trying so hard to be cool. But I've never been cool in my life. And feeling so unsettled kills me.
Do you really want to see me more? Or is that just something endearing to say because you know it's what I want to hear and you can't actually see me more so it's no risk for you?
I know you don't know what you want. But I wish you could recognise that telling me you want me, isn't making me a possession. It is letting me know that there is a legitimate other choice.
I am terrified to choose where to go because I worry that if I choose Calgary it will be because you will be there and if I don't it will be the opposite reaction of trying to not make a decision for you. There is no winning. Because I don't know how to make decisions without factoring you into them.
What's happening with you and the church? And why can't we talk about it? Do you really feel that my feelings for you would change based on what you would tell me? I didn't decide arbitrarily to feel for you as I do. And believe me when I say that I have no vain illusions to your perfection. You aren't perfect. In fact, I already know that despite how you frustrate me in certain ways, that I still care deeply, despite my occasional wishing that your worse qualities would change those feelings. It would be easier for me if I could stop caring for you. Because you are often careless with my feelings and I have cried an embarrassing amount for you. But I cannot stop feeling for you as I do. And when it comes down to it, I wouldn't want to even if I could.
I don't want to be with someone else. But I also don't want to be blindsided again, thinking I know your feelings and then having you tell me I misinterpreted it all. That I was in a dream and the reality is you don't care for me as I care for you.
Can you reassure me that my fears aren't valid? That you won't tire of kissing and telling me lovely things and toss me aside? That our not dating is only about you and has nothing to do with you not wanting to date me? To wanting the freedom to bail without even having to break up with me because we aren't together? And you can claim ignorance since we were never official.
I feel like we're together. Whether that was your intention or not, that is how it feels. But is it true? Are we?
I won't lie, after a day spent celebrating love and rocking a dress, the thought of spending the night in the same dress got burdensome. I wicked wanted to bail on the party, so when Ness invited me to come get ready, I brought nothing and wore sweats, fully intending to keep them company and then go home.
But Erin, that sneaky friend, offered to do my hair and so I started to help her to do hers first.
I love doing hair and I love when an idea turns out so fully perfect. Erin has long, long hair but wanted to shorten it for the party into a 20s bob. I got so excited with how spectacular her hair turned out. It honestly is the best feeling to look at someone's hair that you've done and know that it turned out better than you anticipated.
And so with a little more enthusiasm but not a high level of hope for my own hair, I let Erin quickly whip something up with my hair. It's very rare that someone else does my hair. Usually I'm doing everyone else's hair. So it was beyond a treat to get my hair done by Erin. And by the time she finished I was in love with it. It turned out perfect.
I've always fully believed that if you're gonna dress up you have to go hardcore or else spend the night feeling stupid. One hundred percent commitment. And with my hair and makeup done, I knew I could do nothing but commit to this party.
We had sparklers, fantastic group photos, 20s themed music and I had a lovely surprise arrival from Dallin.
It was a beautiful moment that will make a great memory. And I'm so grateful for Erin for getting me excited about it because I had a great time, and wouldn't of without her encouragement.
I had hoped that the heartbreak of it all would be counteracted by the rightness of the course. But slowly, as the weekend went on, that heartbreak wrapped itself around me like a security blanket. It is a feeling I am well acquainted with that I almost feel at home in its grasp. This heartbreak is such a reflex reaction but one I truly thought I could avoid this time around. Because, honestly, I felt so mature as I dealt with this latest scenario. I felt like an outside observer, cheering myself on and patting myself on the back for being so rational and so calm as I dealt with feelings that are anything but calm and rational. I guess its my own fault. My repeat heartache is because I seem to never learn my lesson. A glutton for punishment. And oh how I pay!
Why must I ache for what cant be? I feel lost. It amazes me how quickly I can feel lost in my life with so little effort. I dont know where to go. I dont know what to do. I dont know what would make it better. Aimless.
I feel stifled by my life. But unsure of what action to take to make it easier to breathe. And I am fearful of all vulnerability. I know why I havent been feeling invested in anyone lately. Its because I have been keeping myself at an arms length from everyone. Never personally investing myself. Never letting anyone else get that close. Everything kept to the surface. Because shallow relationships are the safest. I never thought I would be one to hold back in such a way. Because I am nothing but a risk taker when it comes to my feelings and my heart. Grand leaps of faith with my heart. A "here I am, please love me" sort of earnestness. But I am tired of the bruises and beating I take. I am tired of being hurt so deeply. And having to pretend that they are only shallow wounds because being wounded is passé in a culture that only values strength. Why cant there be a value for weakness? Does it not have its place in each of our lives? I know the value of vulnerability. Because it creates love and closeness like strength never could. But I am too fearful to be as open as once I was.
And my mind knows that I should be continuing forward, pretending as though I have never been wounded before. That this latest is nothing more than something to be shrugged off. But my heart wants to run. Any closeness, whether physical or emotional, and I want to bail. Because the people who should love you best are always the ones who hurt you the most. I know I'm being illogical. Because in order to get what I want I need to risk. But I feel seventeen again in my fear. Wanting but only from afar. Because the reality is too real. And the ability to blow people off too easy.
I wish I felt the joys as deeply as I feel the sorrow. I wish there was a clear path to take. I wish things could just be easy and fall into place, just this once.
I talked to Josh recently and he told me he admires my ability to always continue through the struggles and difficulties. To somehow find the strength to move forward. I dont feel strong. And looking back I have no idea how I have managed. I moved forward because it was the only direction to go. And there are many moments when it is all I can do to not stay curled up in my bed and wither. And sometimes that is all I want. To wrap myself in my blanket of heartache and fade from existence.
Would I be missed?
I am angry from a lifetime of people who dont love me right and a life that never goes the way I want it to. But I guess I get what I deserve. And I am more than imperfect in my ability to love others. And not everyone gets what they want. But I feel like the hard knocks just keep on coming on all fronts. It amazes me that I am even managing to stay standing. And I just wish that I didnt have to make all these huge life changing decisions by myself. And deal with all the hurt alone.
My office let me know that they are terminating my contract. I'm not busy enough. I don't have enough clients. And so they are setting me free. But you know what is impossible to find in Lethbridge? A dental job. Every office tells me they are just a solo operation and not looking for anyone. I have visited almost 20 different offices. And been told more than once what a pretty little thing I am and how I'll have no trouble finding a job and doing well with my charming face and smile but no, this particular office isnt looking for anyone. The likelihood of finding a job in Lethbridge is slim. Most likely I will have to move. The thought of leaving all my support system is horrifying. Because I love Dave and Nat most of all and my impromptu visits with wise married friends and having a friend who wakes up at 6 am six days a week to work out with me. I have the best here. And I more than likely have to leave.
I havent missed a beat. I already have two interviews that are being set up. And have been in a near constant motion, but I feel ill at the prospective changes that are coming. Must everything be in turmoil? Nothing is solid. Except that big changes are coming. And I think if I wasnt terrified for the mountain of debt waiting to topple and crush me, I would be taking a moment to wallow. But instead I have sent my resume everywhere I can think. I updated my resume and began applying the same day they told me. I jumped straight on to changing my circumstances and searching for some security. I havent wrapped my brain around it. All I know is that my life really sucks right now. And I dont know what would be the best for me. Should I move somewhere far away? Should I take any scraps I can pull together in Lethbridge? Should I move to Calgary and hope that I don't hate it completely?
I honestly dont know.
I'm having a hard life.
Simply put. Fully meant.
I feel lost. And aimless.
I have no idea where I'm
heading. And part of me
doesnt know if it really
matters... Cheshire cat
and what not about it not
mattering where you go if
you dont know where you
want to be.
And I have no idea where
I ought to be.
I'm trying really hard to
not feel discouraged. But
One foot in front of the
other I suppose.
Perhaps you already know this, but sometimes what you want most also becomes what hurts you most. Because sometimes kindness is a cruelty in its own way. I dont know how to explain how much dreams can hurt. I woke up this morning in physical pain having dreamt all night. Because hope cuts deeply on occasion. And sometimes we want things that we already know arent good for us.
I tried to explain to someone younger than me the realization that not everyone gets everything they want in life. Sacrifices must be made. Some things just dont work out. Some dreams must be given up. Sometimes you have to accept the life you have and learn to be happy with it rather than continuously mourning the life you didnt get. How strange to be old enough to no longer see the world as always giving. Because even five years ago, I think I was of that rationale; That, whyofcoursethingswillworkoutandI'llgeteverydreamandthingswillbeohsoperfect. Life is much too messy for such simplicity of thought. And sometimes the world only takes.
I know the smart course of action. And I know that because I am smart, it will be the course I take. But dont think that it isnt hard for me to do it. That it isnt a choice that I will question everyday. That my resolve wont wane at inopportune moments - one step forward, two steps back. That the hope, potential and what ifs of the opposite choice dont already keep me awake most nights. Because what if we were happy? Isnt the potential disaster, and pain worth the possibility of such great happiness?
The choice you offered me was never much of a choice. It was more a declaration that either I jump on your time schedule and always be subservient to your career, your ambition and most of all what you want. What a choice! I would basically become my mother - which is by far one of my most terrifying thoughts. I would have her marriage and all of the insecurities she has with that marriage. Would I then become her? I have spent my whole life knowing that I would never let myself have that life. Too strong of will. Too many desires of my own. Too demanding of love and life. I wouldnt want to wonder if you loved your career, your ambitions, and yourself, more than me. And worse still is that I probably wouldnt wonder - I would know that you did. I have always wanted to be most important to the person I loved most. I have always wanted to build a life together with my love. To make life choices together. The give and take has always sounded so appealing, even for someone like me who likes to have her way. To choose our path together. It could be such an adventure!
I am so very tempted to choose the life I swore I would never have. Because I want any excuse to pick you. Even though you have pretty much told me you also think itd be a bad choice for me. And because your time frame allows me time to weigh my options, to search for better but still contemplate you, I'll probably still think about it. Even though I think I know having you would be too great a personal sacrifice. I still kind of want to do it. And if I believed for sure that you would love me most, I know I would follow you anywhere; support any ambition you had, any life you wanted.
I keep thinking about marrying the right person at the right time. I have wanted you to be the right person. Oh how I have desired that, much to the chagrin of everyone around me. And I always kind of believed that perhaps the timing was wrong. But you weren't wrong in the fact that I would never be happy being secondary to everything else you value in life. I would never be happy knowing you love ambition more than me. Particularly when I know that I could have loved you above everything and everyone else.
You act like its me who will make a choice. But really, you chose first. Unapologetically you have chosen yourself. That, I think, is the hardest part. It is easy to comfort myself when things go amiss that the person breaking my heart didnt love me or didnt care about me. But I know you do care. Just not enough. Not enough to choose me over yourself. And it is understandable to me why you would make such a choice. I honestly do see where you're coming from. The cant and the wont of it. The things you want arent bad. But honestly, they're also not the most important. And I pity your choice to set yourself up for a life completely alone. Because I could have been there with you all along. You needn't be alone. And I still hope that perhaps, before true regret settles in, you will realize that, even if our moment has passed.
Its not fair for me to be with you because I know I would spend a lifetime asking you to give me more. And always being disappointed you couldnt. I would always wish for you to care about me first and everything else second. And that isnt the life you have mapped out. In your life, I would always be an afterthought. And I am no afterthought.
You love me. Sure. In your own way I believe you do. But you do not choose me. And choice, that is the thing.
I keep trying to make your latest declaration not a big deal to me. I tell myself it changes nothing. That without your willingness, which I doubt I will ever get, it doesn't matter what moments we have and what beautiful words you speak.
But the truth is, I am running a constant speech in my head to you. The words vary but the message stays the same. I don't know what to do. Because I believe in your freedom to live your life as you see fit. But your actions have affected me and continue to affect me. And I am tired of you getting to make unilateral decisions on my behalf - to "protect me" from future hurt. I don't want you to tell me you love me and always will and then push me away and keep me at a distance. You aren't protecting me. And even if you were, I don't need it. Life and love are a risk. One that I would willingly take every time.
You are one of the saddest parts of my life. I don't feel openly hurt anymore. But there is not a day where I don't have to remind myself not to contact you. You arent even a saved name in my phone because I cannot bear to see your name in my contacts. I want to check in. I want to talk over life plans. I want you to be intimately involved. I have so many little nothings I would share. The little details that seem insignificant but in reality bring such closeness between two people. And it brings sadness to my soul to constantly keep that desire in check. As always, I am holding back. Always forced to use every ounce of my self control to give you the space you practically scream for. And to try to give me space so your rejections don't feel like such a personal affront. That the fact that you never contact me is something personal against my being. Because I know it's not about me; it's always been about you.
I really do try so hard to see everything from your point of view. And I hope you do see that. I know I'm not perfect in my understanding. You're complicated so I think it's to be expected. But I just wish you would let me be there for you. And not shut me out.
I wish we could be light around each other. But there is so much heaviness that surrounds us that no wonder we are often so serious.
I don't know how to want less. And the person I want to cry and talk it over with is you. Because I think you would understand like no one else would. Irony that son of a b. I spend so much effort down playing my feelings about you. And I know I'm not fooling anyone. It is the lie I tell myself to make your existence not hurt.
And I know my inability to change my feelings makes me pathetic. But instead of being hurt, I pretend I don't care that much. That the passing mention of your name doesn't make my heart cry out.
Will, one day, you regret holding me away? That's the general consensus of the people closest to me. But I wouldn't wish that upon you. Do you even fathom how much I care? I would hope that would mean something to you. But there are no guarantees when it comes to other people's feelings.
Won't you tell me how to forget you? Or want less from you at least?
Could you not let me have some small part of you? Do I really ask for too much?
I now know I have your love, but I want you. All of you. The good, the bad, the ugly. Because while I know you have imperfections I just don't give a damn about them. I don't care if you're emotionally damaged or distant. I think of all people I would be understanding of anything you were going through. I think I could be the best for you. But I don't know how to make you believe that. Or see the value in having someone. What should I do? Move on and hope one day my feelings for you fade and change? Make yet another risky declaration of feeling, hoping that maybe this time you'll choose me back? Neither option is good. Neither makes me happy.
Can't you see how I would try so hard to love you right? And I can see in my mind how happy we would be. We'd be imperfect but for us that would be just right. You would tell me all the nerdy things you've researched and because you were telling me about it I would be honestly entertained. We would talk when words were necessary and sit together when they weren't. And at night we would whisper quietly as we were falling asleep. And I would always feel right with the world when your arms were around me. And I would give you my whole being and all the loyalty and love I have to offer. It would be a beautiful life. The best kind of life.
Can't we try for that?
I am terrified of pushing you beyond what you can give and losing you. But I don't want to live this separate life anymore. Or if I have to, I need it to be wholly separate, with no hope of reunion.
I think I would make your life better. Won't you let me try?