Perhaps you already know this, but sometimes what you want most also becomes what hurts you most. Because sometimes kindness is a cruelty in its own way. I dont know how to explain how much dreams can hurt. I woke up this morning in physical pain having dreamt all night. Because hope cuts deeply on occasion. And sometimes we want things that we already know arent good for us.
I tried to explain to someone younger than me the realization that not everyone gets everything they want in life. Sacrifices must be made. Some things just dont work out. Some dreams must be given up. Sometimes you have to accept the life you have and learn to be happy with it rather than continuously mourning the life you didnt get. How strange to be old enough to no longer see the world as always giving. Because even five years ago, I think I was of that rationale; That, whyofcoursethingswillworkoutandI'llgeteverydreamandthingswillbeohsoperfect. Life is much too messy for such simplicity of thought. And sometimes the world only takes.
I know the smart course of action. And I know that because I am smart, it will be the course I take. But dont think that it isnt hard for me to do it. That it isnt a choice that I will question everyday. That my resolve wont wane at inopportune moments - one step forward, two steps back. That the hope, potential and what ifs of the opposite choice dont already keep me awake most nights. Because what if we were happy? Isnt the potential disaster, and pain worth the possibility of such great happiness?
The choice you offered me was never much of a choice. It was more a declaration that either I jump on your time schedule and always be subservient to your career, your ambition and most of all what you want. What a choice! I would basically become my mother - which is by far one of my most terrifying thoughts. I would have her marriage and all of the insecurities she has with that marriage. Would I then become her? I have spent my whole life knowing that I would never let myself have that life. Too strong of will. Too many desires of my own. Too demanding of love and life. I wouldnt want to wonder if you loved your career, your ambitions, and yourself, more than me. And worse still is that I probably wouldnt wonder - I would know that you did. I have always wanted to be most important to the person I loved most. I have always wanted to build a life together with my love. To make life choices together. The give and take has always sounded so appealing, even for someone like me who likes to have her way. To choose our path together. It could be such an adventure!
I am so very tempted to choose the life I swore I would never have. Because I want any excuse to pick you. Even though you have pretty much told me you also think itd be a bad choice for me. And because your time frame allows me time to weigh my options, to search for better but still contemplate you, I'll probably still think about it. Even though I think I know having you would be too great a personal sacrifice. I still kind of want to do it. And if I believed for sure that you would love me most, I know I would follow you anywhere; support any ambition you had, any life you wanted.
I keep thinking about marrying the right person at the right time. I have wanted you to be the right person. Oh how I have desired that, much to the chagrin of everyone around me. And I always kind of believed that perhaps the timing was wrong. But you weren't wrong in the fact that I would never be happy being secondary to everything else you value in life. I would never be happy knowing you love ambition more than me. Particularly when I know that I could have loved you above everything and everyone else.
You act like its me who will make a choice. But really, you chose first. Unapologetically you have chosen yourself. That, I think, is the hardest part. It is easy to comfort myself when things go amiss that the person breaking my heart didnt love me or didnt care about me. But I know you do care. Just not enough. Not enough to choose me over yourself. And it is understandable to me why you would make such a choice. I honestly do see where you're coming from. The cant and the wont of it. The things you want arent bad. But honestly, they're also not the most important. And I pity your choice to set yourself up for a life completely alone. Because I could have been there with you all along. You needn't be alone. And I still hope that perhaps, before true regret settles in, you will realize that, even if our moment has passed.
Its not fair for me to be with you because I know I would spend a lifetime asking you to give me more. And always being disappointed you couldnt. I would always wish for you to care about me first and everything else second. And that isnt the life you have mapped out. In your life, I would always be an afterthought. And I am no afterthought.
You love me. Sure. In your own way I believe you do. But you do not choose me. And choice, that is the thing.