There was a time, not too long ago where I wasnt sure that I was going to enjoy working. Dental school had dentaled me out. People would approach me and want to talk about my future and my future career and it was all I could do to not scream at them. I'd try to hedge and turn the conversation somewhere else. Anywhere else. Because in the back of my mind I wasnt sure that I would even be able to stand having to do anything dental related. It felt like a chore. And I was terrified. Because whether I was ready to or not, whether I liked it or not, a job was very much in my future. A dental job at that.
But I pushed onward because that was the only place to go. As much as I love and greatly admire my father, his passion for his dental profession is intimidating and creates a job satisfaction insecurity. Because I know in my heart, that while doing dental work is fine and mostly enjoyable, I could walk away from it and never look back. I don't love it above all else. I dont love it like my dad does. It's a great job and provides some implicit benefits (hello never having to buy toothbrushes), it is still, at its core, a job for me. Not a hobby, not my only or even major interest. A job. And if I had to choose between it and living a life of comfortable leisure, I wouldn't hesitate to spend my days reading and lounging.
That being said, I do really like my job. And feel incredibly grateful to have it. I have days where I wish I didnt have to work. And sometimes I want to backhand patients and staff alike. But most of the time I can see that the office I was hired at is exactly what I needed. It suits my personality. And is absolutely the perfect first job for me. The staff I work with, I generally adore. And overall, the work is good. I'm not so busy that I have dental school flashbacks (because yes, that was the most stressful and worst time ever). But it is challenging. If I finish early on a patient, I get to read my book. And I love finishing early. Its this wonderful mini reward slash confirmation that I'm doing well (despite that my receptionist keeps trying to book me tighter to eliminate such a reward). And I love that I have my Dad to call if I don't know something, or even to just check in with and make sure that he would do what I have decided. Because there are few people that I would ask for help from and it's very convenient that my dad is so knowledgeable.
People told me that I should enjoy my time in school because when I finished I would miss it. And I'm here to say that is a straight up lie. School sucks. I love leaving work and mostly never thinking another thought about it. And I love that my time is my own, to do with as I please. Without the burden of upcoming tests and assignments. Working is awesome. Having a set time that is dedicated to work is awesome. Even thinking about going back to school gives me a little PTSD. There really, besides my friends, is nothing that I miss about being a student. Even the added responsibility of money and banking and insurance is worth not having the hassle and stress of school.
There are downsides to working of course. For instance, the topic of money is a constant strain and stress of my mind. And I often feel out of my depth. People dont tend to sympathize with the fact that even when I am unsure about what to do, I have to pretend I know, because no one wants their licensed professional to be out of their depth. And sometimes people who aren't smart enough to take responsibility for their own mouths, yell at me. And I hate getting yelled at, or when people say mean things to me. It turns out I'm a rather sensitive soul and its hard when people who know very little about dentistry, treat me like I've done something wrong, when they're experiencing a consequence of their poor care of their own teeth, like I made them not brush, or choose to not see a dentist in the last decade or get their teeth extracted.
But I'm happy and content to be a working soul now. Which considering where I was at when I graduated is quite an accomplishment.
"It's the frustration and sense of failure and the nagging notion that I'll never be enough that I find altogether less than pleasurable--the math of too much somehow adding up to not enough. Too emotional, too honest, too demanding, too picky, too much of too many things. Altogether, not enough. Somehow, still, not enough... When what I'm really afraid of is that I am something that can only be loved in the dark--hidden and away. That to love me would be a shameful thing."
I always figured it would take me a long time to fall in love, in love. I've perhaps been close here or there, but mostly I just felt like I never had enough of a chance with people. And that I was probably just difficult to love and generally distrustful of people's feelings for me. Mostly I know how to care about someone who doesnt care back. But dating Brian was just so easy in the beginning. We just fit together. It only took a couple of weeks for me to begin to think that maybe I loved this man. And then one day, I felt as if the words would suffocate me if I tried to choke them down any longer. So with some trepidation I stuttered out "I think I'm a little in love with you."
I believe that you could end up with many different people and make it work and be happy. Its all about the choices you make. And how much effort you're willing to put into a relationship.
Bri can drive me mental sometimes.
But he can be funny, and patient, and understanding, and kind too.
And I love many things about him... I love:
The way he suppresses a laugh when he finds something I say ridiculous - like he can't decide if its the cutest or silliest thing he's ever heard That he manages any errant emotions I show like a champ The way he gets annoyed by how many photos I take, but still buys me a camera accessory because he knows how much I like photos That he can cook and gets braggy about how good he is at it The way he'll anxiously tap my leg if its a close game he's watching That even when we disagree I never feel like I can't tell him how I really feel The way he plays with the fingers on my hand That I can tell that he tries to make our relationship better That he likes and believes in working out The way he cuddles my leg when we're watching TV That he's a guys guy and has won my brothers approvals That it feels like we've been dating for ages, even though its only been just under five months That he is honestly exactly the kind of guy I always thought I would date.
When I started working, I decided to only work four days a week. I love only working four days a week. My day off usually ends up being the busiest day of my week. Turns out running all my errands, appointments and making dinner results in me being very busy.
But I like it a lot.
And I have a lot of projects that my day off gives me the hope I'll one day be able to accomplish. I love having time to look up recipes and buy ingredients to try different meals. I love being able to work out whenever I want. And I really, really love being able to have time to try out projects. I want to be able to organize my life and do projects.
Just a few of my current projects:
I want to streamline my closet and only have pieces that I love.
I want to make photo books and therefore sort through the 22 000 photos on my computer.
And a day off allows me to do that. I love my day off.
Today, I worked some more on my closet.
Since I moved, I have pretty exclusively ignored the boxes I moved with.
But those boxes have been a nagging point in the back of my mind for months.
I dream of a functional and streamlined closet. With only clothes that I love to wear in it.
So thats the goal.
I've done an initial purge which at least got my boxes down from four to one, and today I managed to part with a couple more things. But its hard. Its hard keeping in mind how I want to look. And I have a completely ridiculous attachment to my grungy t-shirts, even though, that isnt at all the classic, put together look I'd like to achieve on a daily basis.
So its going to be a process. But I'm excited to at least have organized the clothes that are in my closet currently, even if I still need to cut back on whats there.