But you know when you call someone, and then you realize that they could care less that its you they're talking to? You could of been anyone. You could of never called. And it wouldnt of made a stitch of difference either way. Because it didnt matter.
Things like that hurt my feelings sometimes.
And being 14, I'm just gonna let that sit for a minute, until I forget about it.
There was a time when I believed whole-heartedly that my mother and I were two irrevocably different people. We saw the world through different eyes and it would always be my mother on one side of a fence, looking into the challenging eyes of someone who just thought differently than she did, Me.
As I've gotten older, I realize that that must of been terribly frustrating for her. To have such a stubborn child who saw herself as such a unique entity, separate from everything else. And wise as all else. I really thought I had the majority of things figured out (which of course would be a rude awakening for me later). In recent years, I think part of what has made growing up so difficult for me, is the realization that for the most part I dont have a single thing figured out. But I'm sure the hefty humble pie I've been eating has made me slightly more bearable to be around (but only slightly).
The truth of the matter is that, the more I talk with my mother (and yes, we've almost figured out how to speak in an actual conversation about things other than the weather or how inappropriate belly shirts are - which hilariously enough was a topic of conversation she brought up once in the car, as she pointed out a girl who definitely should not have been wearing a belly shirt, as a way of encouraging me to disapprove of them just as strongly as she did), I've come to understand that my mother's way of thinking has shaped my way of thinking. It is her voice of caution I hear in the back of mind. It is her words that come to me in moments of distress. I'm the sort of girl who remembers the things people say to me (for instance - when I was in elementary school my mother took me to Raymond, and we were outside of my Great Grandma Dahl's house, and my mother had done something I severely disapproved of. And I was of course, expressing that displeasure to its fullest. To which my mother said "You dont have to like the things I do. I'm your mother. You can take note of all the things you dislike and when you're the Mom you can do them differently." That is one of those statements that she may have meant flippantly, a defense to shut down any argument I would throw at her, but I took it to heart, and have been taking note of the things I liked and disliked about the behaviour of those around me ever since). I take awhile to process some things, but I think about things people have said to me years before and debate the relevancy and truth of such statements (because I do believe that there usually is truth to most statements). People's words hold value. Whether they intend it or not. And there is always power in words. And maybe remembering their words changes them slightly, but history is more about perspective than actual facts. Its more about how you see it on reflection, what the words mean when you hold them at arms length and really look at them and less about how it was actually seen. Because meanings change with experience and so do words.
Maybe I've taken a little of my mother's caution, but when it comes down to it, my mother and I think much more similarly than my 17-year-old self could of ever guessed we would. She champions me learning and progressing from my experiences - in writing down and remembering what I liked and what I most definitely (and usually easily) can figure I did not like. And I think the value I place on self-reflection, is partly due to her encouragement.
My mom is a smart lady. And I dont think I say that out loud enough. Yes, at times we still think very differently and hold distinct things as important or unimportant (we are, after all, not the same person). But more often than not, I will discover that I like how she sees something, and decide that I kinda see it that way too.
1. My bottle of acrylic monomer (liquid) spiltin its box and into the bag carrying my fixed stuff because my cap is semi-broken and wouldnt screw all the way on (oh ok... and I forgot to screw it on all the way on). This has lead to my entire house smelling like monomer. For real, I think I'm getting high. It is INTENSE. And a little suffocating.
2. Externship sites were announced today.
FYI Externship is when I spend 10 weeks in fourth year
working as a bona-fide dentist.
Its exciting and terrifying at the same time.
I got the group I wanted (Group B).
This allowed me to choose between two time slots
(all other groups were assigned a time slot) July-October or October-December.
I wanted the third rotation which goes October to December because
it allows me to work in the clinic during summer when the old fourth years are gone and the new third years arent in yet.
So where am I going?
Pawtucket, Rhode Island
It was my number two spot (we ranked our top 8 out of like 24 sites that consisted of sites from Maine, New Hampshire, Massachusetts and Florida).
And the house I live in is 250 yards from the dental office.
(And the tradition of me living ridiculously close to where
I need to be continues... I freaking love my commutes...
Mostly cause they're non-existent).
I'm still a little anxiety ridden because I'm with another student
who is currently a mystery (and there are a few of my classmates that would kill my patience if I had to spend everyday with them) and I have to be like a real dentist (for real... what is that?).
But I'm not disappointed.
I just want it to be a good experience.
(Please let it be a good experience)
3. I had the most non-stop day ever.
Fixed Sims to CPR to Derrick's birthday.
But A. Fixed sims went decently well
(my instructor came around at one point
to check on our work and he didnt have
anything negative to say)
B. I'm glad I had John in CPR. Plus we got
awesome tacos/burritos after.
C. Best birthday party ever - seriously I
freaking love my friends.
Oh. And did I mention I'm flying to Utah on Thursday?
I have to tell you quickly. Because these sort of feelings are always fleeting. But today was a great dentist sort of day.
1st - I had my implantology class. And my professor is amazing. He actually explains things to us and encourages the class to ask questions. And he actually directly answers the questions we ask! (You have no idea how rare a quality that is... my least favorite thing is people who answer questions with more questions... cause obviously if I knew the answer I wouldnt be asking the question). Seriously he's one of the most amazing lecturers we've had this semester.
But while we're in class, I'm sitting next to Robert (who is a shameless flirt on occasion). And the lecturer was having issues with the lights. So he hits the lights and slowly the lights in the auditorium all dim. And so he turns the lights back on. And hits another button - and all the lights slowly dim again. To which he goes "Ok fine. Its close to valentines day so you can have your romantic lights." To which Robert turns to me and goes very earnestly "Melissa, we cant do this here." I just rolled my eyes and shook my head. Good one Robert.
2nd - Lucinda, Aaron and I decided that we were going to do our Homecare Summative (aka instructing people on how to take care of their teeth when they are away from the dentist... brushing, flossing, mouth rinse) today. Lucinda booked me as a patient with Ms. Loadholt and things were all set for it to be perfect. We read up on a few things so we were prepared. And Ms. Loadholt is so super chill. But truthfully, even if she wasnt, I felt prepared. I felt like I knew what I was talking about. And it was pretty awesome.
3rd - Lucinda and I also had an appointment where I was the doctor and she was the patient. I wont pretend I wasnt nervous. Lucinda is my best friend and I can think of nothing worse than her believing I'm a crappy dentist. So ya. I was nervous. She was pretty sure that it wasnt a real cavity, but just a poorly done sealant on the occlusal surface. So we went sans anesthetic. I made sure to be very gentle and went nice and slow. But my dang explorer kept sticking (aka a sign that the cavity was still further). Finally, after awhile of following the decay slowly, I decided that I should numb her up so that I could continue without causing her pain. Which was also nerve wracking, because I dont always feel super confident in my injections. But I prepared the syringe, found my landmarks, injected her and IMMEDIATELY got the nerve block. I totally nailed it. Honestly, despite her request for a crappy block (so she wouldnt be frozen all night), I was really proud of myself. I finished drilling her tooth and then I filled it.
Honestly, there arent many days where I feel capable. Thats kinda the nature of dental school (and my personality I'm discovering). Its there to tell you, show you and occasionally scream at you, how little you know. But today, I felt able. Yes, I had a perfect patient who knew the little things that help me be a better dentist - but with that comes a lot of pressure to perform - because she also knows what constitutes a screw up. I felt like the knowledge base I've been building was actually available to me. Like I've actually been learning and improving. It just was a really great day for being a dentist.
This was particularly significant because it was Alisun's first time experiencing the wonderment that is crepes. How she had managed that, I'll never know. But maybe she's not as much of a dessert/bakery fiend as I am. That is quite possible.
Alisun and I went the gluttonous route and got two crepes a peice. Which only became hilarious when we ran into one of our classmates, and upon seeing our four crepes asked very innocently "Oh, are more people sitting with you guys?" To which we looked down at our crepes and back up at her and laughed at the notion. Cause, come on, savory and sweet crepes? Who has the ability to choose just one of the two. No, for us, it was go big or go home. And clearly we werent going home.
The crepes were delicious. But mostly what made this day for me was Alisun.
You see, Alisun is a rather new friend.
She's my class president, has the most hilarious sense of humor (which is accompanied by her awesome ability to laugh), and until last June we had absolutely never spoken a single word to each other.
But slowly over the last semester, Alisun and I have become great friends. And I really think the world of her. She's completely brilliant, loyal, dedicated, loves movies and good food, has the most hilarious southern damsel voice, is super smart and is so very down to earth and wholesome in a very relatable and likeable way.
Its funny how sometimes you end up not being friends with people, cause you assume you wouldnt like them cause you're in different groups. Or you just have no reason to step out of your comfort zone to get to know them. Thats one of the things I like best about my class, we're always trying to be as inclusive as we can and get all the different groups together.
After crepes I went and studied at Alisun's house (read: I napped and she studied). And then we went and got some tacos and frozen yogurt and watched How I Met Your Mother.
Sure, it wasnt the most productive day ever.
But I adore spending time with Alisun.
She's one of the people in my class that I cant help but feel a little intimidated by at school because she's really awesome. And I'm just really grateful for our friendship.
Remember how you will no longer let me upload photos because I have reached my max (apparently)? Ya. I'm pretty pissed about it. No I dont want to BUY more space. I shouldnt have to. Why do my photos need to save to your stupid web picasa albums? Why cant they just be on my blog? And why when I try to delete the picasa albums does it tell me that it will then delete the pictures from my blog? Stupid stupid stupid. I pretty much hate you right now. Mostly because you are severely limiting my blogging creativity. And I havent figured out a way around your ridiculous profit-oriented restrictions. Sincerely, One dissatisfied blogger