Thursday, June 14, 2012
Somedays I feel such acute heartbreak I'm not sure how I will ever continue. The feeling usually abates. But in that moment it suffocates. Since arriving home I haven't really done much thinking or planning. I can already tell that I am stagnant. People ask me how it feels to be done, but I know what they really want to hear is how wonderful it all is now, everything suddenly in its rightful place. But the truth of the matter is that it feels like nothing. And if anything, I am less put together than before I graduated. Sure, I guess it seems impressive, and even at times I am amazed that I accomplished such a feat. But mostly it's like waking up on your birthday. It's not really any different from the day before; you never feel older and wiser until you reflect from much further away. And I am still so close. So it's hard to for me view my graduation as something so momentous. It was just another thing in a line of hundreds of things. I know at the heart of the matter is a call for action. Nothing is ever going to feel just right. And I need to just move forward. But I'm afraid of what may be asked of me if I begin moving forward and I'm not sure I'll have the strength to continue if it were to become challenging. I can do hard things but I'm tired of doing hard things. Sometimes I feel such a crushing weight upon me that I struggle to catch my breath. Because despite my accomplishments and inherent skills and abilities, I feel so less than. Like I am missing such a crucial piece that would allow me to function as I know I rightfully should. And it hollows me out. I see all the things my life could have been and was not and I feel small. And less than. I made my choices and chose my path but it doesn't stop the flood of regrets and missed opportunities. I can't change what's already happened. So again, the only place to go is forward. Forward, always forward. But I can't see anything in front of me. My fear has blinded me. The truth of the matter is that I'm twenty five and basically a glorified teenager. My parents are tired. I can tell they have reached their limit. Mostly from all the lectures and yelling. But I don't feel like an adult and I don't know how to do it. And I feel abandoned and that they love me less because I didn't graduate and suddenly jump right into being completely independent and content. And floundering is unacceptable. I guess I didn't realize exactly how dependent on my parents I actually have been. I mean I was always aware of the help and support they gave. Because nothing is given for free. But until the last few weeks and their expressed and implied demands for me to take over some roles that they had previously taken care of, I think I just put it out of mind because I didn't want to deal with it. What a fool I am. My independence is a figment of my imagination. I feel so inadequate in every aspect I don't know I will ever make it through this time. Because I am lost and lonely and no one really understands. And as much as people want to help me, growing up isn't something that they can help me with. And I am pathetic for not being able to handle this moment. So less than. Always less than. I feel like I have let everyone down by not being more the person they expected me to be when I graduated. I'm a mess. And no one wants anything to do with a mess. Graduation has brought to the forefront all my insecurities. Because as a student I could ignore them out of busyness; Up to a certain point anyways. But now, the expectation is that I am finished with the stage of needing help. And I feel like everyone is pressuring me. My happiness and mental health are irrelevant, this much I know. Work. Responsibility. Duty. That is all that matters. And I have serious doubts that I'm up to the challenge. But the only place to go is forward. Forward, always forward.