I had hoped that the heartbreak of it all would be counteracted by the rightness of the course. But slowly, as the weekend went on, that heartbreak wrapped itself around me like a security blanket. It is a feeling I am well acquainted with that I almost feel at home in its grasp. This heartbreak is such a reflex reaction but one I truly thought I could avoid this time around. Because, honestly, I felt so mature as I dealt with this latest scenario. I felt like an outside observer, cheering myself on and patting myself on the back for being so rational and so calm as I dealt with feelings that are anything but calm and rational. I guess its my own fault. My repeat heartache is because I seem to never learn my lesson. A glutton for punishment. And oh how I pay!
Why must I ache for what cant be? I feel lost. It amazes me how quickly I can feel lost in my life with so little effort. I dont know where to go. I dont know what to do. I dont know what would make it better. Aimless.
I feel stifled by my life. But unsure of what action to take to make it easier to breathe. And I am fearful of all vulnerability. I know why I havent been feeling invested in anyone lately. Its because I have been keeping myself at an arms length from everyone. Never personally investing myself. Never letting anyone else get that close. Everything kept to the surface. Because shallow relationships are the safest. I never thought I would be one to hold back in such a way. Because I am nothing but a risk taker when it comes to my feelings and my heart. Grand leaps of faith with my heart. A "here I am, please love me" sort of earnestness. But I am tired of the bruises and beating I take. I am tired of being hurt so deeply. And having to pretend that they are only shallow wounds because being wounded is passé in a culture that only values strength. Why cant there be a value for weakness? Does it not have its place in each of our lives? I know the value of vulnerability. Because it creates love and closeness like strength never could. But I am too fearful to be as open as once I was.
And my mind knows that I should be continuing forward, pretending as though I have never been wounded before. That this latest is nothing more than something to be shrugged off. But my heart wants to run. Any closeness, whether physical or emotional, and I want to bail. Because the people who should love you best are always the ones who hurt you the most. I know I'm being illogical. Because in order to get what I want I need to risk. But I feel seventeen again in my fear. Wanting but only from afar. Because the reality is too real. And the ability to blow people off too easy.
I wish I felt the joys as deeply as I feel the sorrow. I wish there was a clear path to take. I wish things could just be easy and fall into place, just this once.
I talked to Josh recently and he told me he admires my ability to always continue through the struggles and difficulties. To somehow find the strength to move forward. I dont feel strong. And looking back I have no idea how I have managed. I moved forward because it was the only direction to go. And there are many moments when it is all I can do to not stay curled up in my bed and wither. And sometimes that is all I want. To wrap myself in my blanket of heartache and fade from existence.
Would I be missed?
I am angry from a lifetime of people who dont love me right and a life that never goes the way I want it to. But I guess I get what I deserve. And I am more than imperfect in my ability to love others. And not everyone gets what they want. But I feel like the hard knocks just keep on coming on all fronts. It amazes me that I am even managing to stay standing. And I just wish that I didnt have to make all these huge life changing decisions by myself. And deal with all the hurt alone.
My office let me know that they are terminating my contract. I'm not busy enough. I don't have enough clients. And so they are setting me free. But you know what is impossible to find in Lethbridge? A dental job. Every office tells me they are just a solo operation and not looking for anyone. I have visited almost 20 different offices. And been told more than once what a pretty little thing I am and how I'll have no trouble finding a job and doing well with my charming face and smile but no, this particular office isnt looking for anyone. The likelihood of finding a job in Lethbridge is slim. Most likely I will have to move. The thought of leaving all my support system is horrifying. Because I love Dave and Nat most of all and my impromptu visits with wise married friends and having a friend who wakes up at 6 am six days a week to work out with me. I have the best here. And I more than likely have to leave.
I havent missed a beat. I already have two interviews that are being set up. And have been in a near constant motion, but I feel ill at the prospective changes that are coming. Must everything be in turmoil? Nothing is solid. Except that big changes are coming. And I think if I wasnt terrified for the mountain of debt waiting to topple and crush me, I would be taking a moment to wallow. But instead I have sent my resume everywhere I can think. I updated my resume and began applying the same day they told me. I jumped straight on to changing my circumstances and searching for some security. I havent wrapped my brain around it. All I know is that my life really sucks right now. And I dont know what would be the best for me. Should I move somewhere far away? Should I take any scraps I can pull together in Lethbridge? Should I move to Calgary and hope that I don't hate it completely?
I honestly dont know.
Roka's Birth Story
4 days ago