Monday, August 5, 2013

Dear [ ]

I keep trying to make your latest declaration not a big deal to me. I tell myself it changes nothing. That without your willingness, which I doubt I will ever get, it doesn't matter what moments we have and what beautiful words you speak. 
But the truth is, I am running a constant speech in my head to you. The words vary but the message stays the same. I don't know what to do. Because I believe in your freedom to live your life as you see fit. But your actions have affected me and continue to affect me. And I am tired of you getting to make unilateral decisions on my behalf - to "protect me" from future hurt. I don't want you to tell me you love me and always will and then push me away and keep me at a distance. You aren't protecting me. And even if you were, I don't need it. Life and love are a risk. One that I would willingly take every time. 
You are one of the saddest parts of my life. I don't feel openly hurt anymore. But there is not a day where I don't have to remind myself not to contact you. You arent even a saved name in my phone because I cannot bear to see your name in my contacts. I want to check in. I want to talk over life plans. I want you to be intimately involved. I have so many little nothings I would share. The little details that seem insignificant but in reality bring such closeness between two people. And it brings sadness to my soul to constantly keep that desire in check. As always, I am holding back. Always forced to use every ounce of my self control to give you the space you practically scream for. And to try to give me space so your rejections don't feel like such a personal affront. That the fact that you never contact me is something personal against my being. Because I know it's not about me; it's always been about you.
I really do try so hard to see everything from your point of view. And I hope you do see that. I know I'm not perfect in my understanding. You're complicated so I think it's to be expected. But I just wish you would let me be there for you. And not shut me out. 
I wish we could be light around each other. But there is so much heaviness that surrounds us that no wonder we are often so serious.
I don't know how to want less. And the person I want to cry and talk it over with is you. Because I think you would understand like no one else would. Irony that son of a b. I spend so much effort down playing my feelings about you. And I know I'm not fooling anyone. It is the lie I tell myself to make your existence not hurt. 
And I know my inability to change my feelings makes me pathetic. But instead of being hurt, I pretend I don't care that much. That the passing mention of your name doesn't make my heart cry out. 
Will, one day, you regret holding me away? That's the general consensus of the people closest to me. But I wouldn't wish that upon you. Do you even fathom how much I care? I would hope that would mean something to you. But there are no guarantees when it comes to other people's feelings. 
Won't you tell me how to forget you? Or want less from you at least?
Could you not let me have some small part of you? Do I really ask for too much? 
I now know I have your love, but I want you. All of you. The good, the bad, the ugly. Because while I know you have imperfections I just don't give a damn about them. I don't care if you're emotionally damaged or distant. I think of all people I would be understanding of anything you were going through. I think I could be the best for you. But I don't know how to make you believe that. Or see the value in having someone. What should I do? Move on and hope one day my feelings for you fade and change? Make yet another risky declaration of feeling, hoping that maybe this time you'll choose me back? Neither option is good. Neither makes me happy. 
Can't you see how I would try so hard to love you right? And I can see in my mind how happy we would be. We'd be imperfect but for us that would be just right. You would tell me all the nerdy things you've researched and because you were telling me about it I would be honestly entertained. We would talk when words were necessary and sit together when they weren't. And at night we would whisper quietly as we were falling asleep. And I would always feel right with the world when your arms were around me. And I would give you my whole being and all the loyalty and love I have to offer. It would be a beautiful life. The best kind of life. 
Can't we try for that? 
I am terrified of pushing you beyond what you can give and losing you. But I don't want to live this separate life anymore. Or if I have to, I need it to be wholly separate, with no hope of reunion. 
I think I would make your life better. Won't you let me try?

1 comment:

Laura Beth said...

I love that you are real Melissa. Hope things come together for you!