Friday, December 6, 2013

September 9, 2013

Everyone tells me that you're playing me. That you have made every girl who comes near you feel as if you cared so deeply for them in this same way. That I am just one among many. And I want to believe you. That you mean the things you say. That you love me. That you wouldn't make me feel lonely. But you lie so well. How can I know which lies are the truths when you interchange them with such ease? Do you love me less when I say things you don't want to hear? Are you accepting of me? Even the things you dislike? Because I often feel that if I said all the things I'm too fearful to say that you wouldn't just not love me, but you wouldn't even like me. You'd ignore me and leave me be. I mean, isn't it with a sigh of burden that you deal with me when I try to ask what we are? And is it really so overbearing of me to want to know if we are exclusive and that I am not just convenient. Am I special? I can't say for sure that I am. And I wish I didn't doubt your sincerity. But I do. 
Because maybe all you want is someone who hangs on your every word and kisses you. Because you don't want to date me.  And how do I know that I am different from the Jenny's or the Kendras or the wake of other girls who all thought they were special to you but werent? That the reason you dont want to date is not self implosion but just a lack of commitment and a desire to have the perks of  dating with none of the commitment of actual dating? You can't even tell me that you would hate if I decided to date someone else. And I'd only date someone else because I don't wanna be that pathetic girl who waits around for a guy who will never even date her. I would hate if you found someone else. Its not about possession. Its about valuing me enough to not want to lose me to someone else. I am a person not a possession but do you value the fact that I pick being with you? Can you tell me you value me? Did you see my face when I saw you? Because I know other people did. I beamed. At you. For you. 
Are your feelings genuine? How can I possibly know? You say your family knows what it means for me to show up again in your life. But do I?
I'm trying so hard to be cool. But I've never been cool in my life. And feeling so unsettled kills me. 
Do you really want to see me more? Or is that just something endearing to say because you know it's what I want to hear and you can't actually see me more so it's no risk for you?
I know you don't know what you want. But I wish you could recognise that telling me you want me, isn't making me a possession. It is letting me know that there is a legitimate other choice. 
I am terrified to choose where to go because I worry that if I choose Calgary it will be because you will be there and if I don't it will be the opposite reaction of trying to not make a decision for you. There is no winning. Because I don't know how to make decisions without factoring you into them. 
What's happening with you and the church? And why can't we talk about it?  Do you really feel that my feelings for you would change based on what you would tell me? I didn't decide arbitrarily to feel for you as I do. And believe me when I say that I have no vain illusions to your perfection. You aren't perfect. In fact, I already know that despite how you frustrate me in certain ways, that I still care deeply, despite my occasional wishing that your worse qualities would change those feelings. It would be easier for me if I could stop caring for you. Because you are often careless with my feelings and I have cried an embarrassing amount for you. But I cannot stop feeling for you as I do. And when it comes down to it, I wouldn't want to even if I could. 
I don't want to be with someone else. But I also don't want to be blindsided again, thinking I know your feelings and then having you tell me I misinterpreted it all. That I was in a dream and the reality is you don't care for me as I care for you. 
Can you reassure me that my fears aren't valid? That you won't tire of kissing and telling me lovely things and toss me aside? That our not dating is only about you and has nothing to do with you not wanting to date me? To wanting the freedom to bail without even having to break up with me because we aren't together? And you can claim ignorance since we were never official. 
I feel like we're together. Whether that was your intention or not, that is how it feels. But is it true? Are we? 

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