Everyday comes with a torrent of things that need to be added to my ever growing to do list. Half of them I have no idea of how to accomplish. And they drop them like we should have been aware of these requirements the entire time. No - actually this is the first I'm hearing of it. And despite my blatant inadequacies, I keep pushing ahead. I'm tired. I'm anxious. I just want to feel like I know what I'm doing. But instead I feel stressed. And I keep pushing ahead. I go through the motions, faking like I know what I'm doing. Continuing to book patients, see patients and fill out paperwork. And except the occasional facial slip that reveals just exactly how tense I am, I probably look like I'm doing alright. But I'm not. This new territory called clinic is too much. And no one tells you before hand anything. And I hate being told, "Oh you should have done this. Didnt you do this? This needs to be done." There's no freaking time. And before it was mentioned I had no idea it was necessary. Why did no one mention this before? And I want solid answers, not wishy-washy, "not sure"'s and "every person you talk to will give a different recommendation" type answers. I had my first non-dental student patient today. And the appointment went fine I suppose, but I came home and cried. The patient was great (even though he was late) and I got through most of what I had planned to accomplish today but I ended the appointment with a sure knowledge that I am in over my head. I need five years of experience under my belt. Hell, I'd settle for one. And I know, logically that the expertise will come with practice and experience. But I'm tired, I'm stressed and I want someone to guide me through this. All I want is a little hand holding. But there is no one and I'm supposed to just know what to do. I dont like this. I feel so unsure. But I have to act like I'm not unsure, like it isnt my first time. I dont like being unsure and never knowing which direction to head or if I'm doing it correct. It has me all out of sorts. And figuring out how to be in clinic is taking up the majority of my time right now. And I still have classes that need to be studied for. I wish they would put what we need to know in one spot. I wish they would of spent more time preparing us for the ACTUAL clinic (and all the realities it comes with - like paperwork). But mostly I wish I already knew everything I need to know.
(Please note that despite my insecurities, procedure-wise I'm competent hence the advancement into clinic... its putting the patient care all together thats giving me grief)