Friday, August 26, 2011

Matt's Wedding - The Aftermath

Having Matty get married, while it being a happy affair, is also a little sad for me. Matt and I have been thick as thieves for as long as I can remember. I always worried that he would marry someone who would hate me, and therefore cause us more separation than was necessary. People joke that I was in every other picture of his slideshow, but Matt has been my best friend for as long as I can remember. And while I do realize that I'm gaining more than I'm losing, in the form of Tiffany and the Smith family, whom I love, and my brother's ultimate happiness (which is no small fact), the fact remains that I'm still losing something. I'm losing the person who was my ever companion, who would run away with me when I needed to run away, who would drive to my rescue when I needed him most. The phase of life where Matt and I are always together and getting to do the same things is over now (though I suppose it could be argued it ended when he left on his mission, though for me that felt more like a pause than an end). And for me, thats a little sad. His loyalties and time and attention go first and foremost to his lovely new wife. She is his best friend now. And while I know in my heart that this movement forward is good and right, its hard to feel left behind. Its hard to be left behind. Like my little brother is now the big brother and has moved on past me. Because things will not stay the same and they'll never be the same again. Our friendship wont ever be the same again. I feel a loss created by his progress. I love my brother. I love our late night talks on my bed. I love that he can so easily make me laugh when I'm feeling down. I love that I can just be my grumpy melancholy self and my faults dont matter because he knows me for who I am. I already miss him.

I'm a sentimental fool. And change is hard. Even when its good. I love that I have gained Tiffany and by association, Nicole and the Smith parents. Really love that. I couldnt of asked for better people to love and welcome Matt into their family. And I love that they have mistakenly decided I'm really cool. But I miss spending all my time with Matt on my vacations. And him moving to a new phase in life, while I understand that it doesnt diminish the fact that he is still my brother who loves me, makes me feel like he's a million miles away.

Like I said. Sentimental fool.

I'm sure that a new reality will eventually set in. One where the wonderfulness of the addition to the family will be fully realized. But change is hard. Even the good kinds.

1 comment:

Michelle said...

I hear ya. I felt the exact same way about Cathy. "often the hardest thing and the best/right thing are same thing".