Honesty is the one quality that I always find impressive. Honest people are so real to me. And so brave. Probably because when they choose to share a piece of themselves, I understand the kind of trust that involves. Maybe its not this way for everyone, but for me, letting people see me for who I am, involves a lot of trust. And well, I'm rather realistic about people. And their lack of deserving a lot of my trust. Because there is so much that we hold dear to ourselves and keep secret from the world. And having people know the little things that show my frailties and weaknesses is a big step for me. Having them know my vulnerabilities, the things I hold dear... its all tough for me. Because I can front like the best of them. And sometimes its hard to let people in and show yourself, the real you. Because when you trust, you have to take the risk that one day you could be betrayed.
I happen to have a very strict definition of friendship. Its that people that know nothing about what I really think and feel, arent my friends. But I came to the realization that I wanted people to see me for who I was. And I wanted to hope and trust and be honest. I wanted to grow. And be the kind of person I admire. The kind of person that people are drawn to because they know me. Which I know seems really basic, but being an extraordinary fronter, sometimes I get so good, that I become surrounded by a group of "friends" that dont know me at all. And to me, that is worse than being alone. In fact, I would rather be alone in that case. Because at least in my solitude I know who I am. And there is no fakeness. Because for me, being fake is beyond painful. And I want to be the kind of person who can share honest things, personal things...
And I think its been a growing process for me. Because once upon a time, there was someone who knew me for who I was. Knew that I am so not one of the cool kids, that I get really shy when I dont feel like I fit in, that I'm not brave. And this person one day just decided they wanted nothing to do with me anymore. Rejection of any sort leaves its impact. But I've done alot of growing since that moment. And it was painful, as most growing is. But I'm not unhappy with the process. And slowly I think I've become less of a fronter. Dont get me wrong, I still keep alot close to the chest, but I think more people have a better picture of who I am. Not as many false perceptions floating around out there.
But its tough, deciding where the line is. The line of people knowing you and them getting too close. Maybe its not tough for everyone, but it is for me. In the back of my mind I recall my mother telling me one day in the car this: "Melissa, one day you may regret sharing so much of yourself with (Insert person's name that I'm keeping secret). You ought to be careful about how close you are and how much of yourself that you give. Because twenty years from now you may regret it." My mother probably doesnt realize it even but I have thought about that conversation alot. I have thought about regret from being too close. And I've tried to figure out the line. The line that allows me to avoid regret. And minimize pain of betrayal. Because I do tend to be more closed off. And opening up has been a big deal to me. But I still dont know where it is.
There is something about being honest, that while freeing, is one of the hardest things to do. But I'm coming to discover that if I cant trust, I dont deserve to be trusted.