I'll Keep You Safe

Its strange but somehow I always feel safe. Even if I shouldnt. I went running yesterday... at one am. I ran through Boston Common, along the Charles, through the city streets. It was a long run (for me) and gave me time to work out my frustrations. Cause if you're physically tired, you tend to be too tired to be annoyed at the things in your life. And endorphins are my BFF. But strangers who I would run past would call out for me to be careful. Strange. I told Sheila I was going running, but missed the part where she said she'd call the cops if I wasnt back in an hour. Yup... I definitely was gone longer than an hour. Poor Sheila, thought I might of died but was holding off calling the cops till I was gone for two hours cause she figured there was no way I would run for two hours (how right she was). But I didnt even feel the slightest bit scared running so late and all by myself. It felt great to run in the dark. To run in my own solitude. And I may start midnight running more often - it used to be one of my favorite things to do in Edmonton, why not here? Why should I be scared of the world? It doesnt come naturally to me so why should I fight it.

But I've decided that I'm tired of waiting and creating lists of all the things I want to do in my future - cause I'm great at not trying things either because I'm scared I'll suck, or I have more pressing things to do. More often I have more pressing things to do.

But I've wanted to take a yoga class for awhile - and now I am (fridays in between class and lab). And I really really like it. Its relaxing and surprising how intense of a workout it is. It helps that its not big into the whole like weirdo side of yoga. More so its like a good long stretch sesh. That leaves me sore for days. I still laugh at the end protocol though -- they leave us telling us to honor the light within ourselves, the light within others and some other weirdo bit. I really have to try not to smirk and laugh.

Also, I've wanted to try racquet sports for awhile and as of Friday, now I have. John Keyes is big into squash and he's been inviting me to come play with him and other people from our class but I always put it off. Well Friday I got my first taste of it. And let me tell you... My butt has never hurt so good. Who knew that running around and hitting a tiny little ball would kill my legs. They were lead by the end. Though I also tried my hand at racquetball... Ya... I like that so much less. Mostly cause I'm not coordinated enough to actually hit the more bouncy ball. Yup, me=zero hand eye coordination. But I felt kinda proud as I left squash/racquetball.

I think that sometimes growing up is a good thing.

I mean I'm really not completely sold on it. And it does happen so gradually that sometimes I look back and am surprised at how different I am. I'm not seventeen anymore. But thats not necessarily a bad thing. There are moments when I'm so glad to be growing up. I'm becoming more my own person who doesnt let petty insecurities rule my life. Am I still insecure? Sure I am. But it doesnt mean I cant try and find things that I love to do and work around it. But am I where I want to be? Definitely not. But I suppose there's nothing to do but keep going. Because whether I like it or not, I can't stop time. It will continue.

I mean I was thinking of dear little Josh the other day. I remember so clearly him being five or six. It was his birthday and he still wore matching top and bottom print pjs. And he got so tired from the birthday celebration he fell asleep early. And I remember going in and just watching the poor child sleep. And taking pictures cause he was so ridiculously sweaty (Where did those photos go? He was really cute.) And now he leaves to some remote island on Tuesday. When did my baby brother, not become the baby?

I feel like I too share Brylie Wynes' problem.

ANGIE : "Brylie, is it hard to be a kid sometimes?"

BRYLIE : "Yeah, it is, I just think it's easier to be an adult"
"Well, I'll tell you, it's not that easy"
"It's not?"
"Nope. I think you should enjoy being a kid"
"But I don't want to enjoy being a kid, cause I want to be a mom like you"
"Well one day you will, but you need to be a kid first and have fun and play"
" You know, I wish that I could be a kid forever. I wish that everyone could stay how they are right now and no one could ever grow up"
"I wish that too sometimes, but we all grow up"
"I just want to stay 4 though, cause I don't ever want to be a giant"
"what do you mean?"
"if you grow up you always grow and you'll be a Giant, everyone turns into a giant"
"No they don't silly, you won't be a giant, you'll turn into an adult, then you stop growing, but you get old"

(P.S> Ang - hope you dont mind me stealing this excerpt!)
I wanna grow up - but at the same time I dont want things to change. I wanna live in the moment but I also hate the moment and look forward so much to the future. Its really tough to align yourself when you have such contradictory feelings.

I try to figure it out everyday. Somedays - clearly - are better than others. But I hope at the end, when I look back, I'm happy with how things went down. I hope that I cared enough, that I was brave on occasion, that I was dedicated, that I was loyal, that I was kind. Because growing up is hard. And I dont think anyone will argue me on that.