Sunday, May 16, 2010

Venti Grand

You know what I think is really annoying. When I speak to people and they will either only talk about the fact that I'm from Canada or doing dental. Like those are the only two things that they've chosen to remember about me and as such they assume those are the only two things that I could possibly care to talk about. Its actually really annoying to have people only talk to me about dental related issues. And almost comical the simple things that people dont know - like FYI gingivitis is inflammation of your gums. Ya know... the pink stuff that surrounds your teeth. And ridiculous because I do not feel qualified to have people asking me about the lesions they've noticed in their mouth. Um ya - the answer is go to a certified dentist ya fool. I think the reason it irritates me so much that people only talk to me about Canada or dental school, is that it makes me seem so one dimensional. I am bored the second the conversation begins. And it makes me realize that I have nothing in common with these people. Why do I try to be friends with people that clearly I was not meant to be friends with? We cant even get past the small talk stage of things... I loathe small talk. If we cant get past that stage we were most definitely not meant to be friends. Or even acquaintances... Cause I would rather not pretend to be close to people that I could care less about. And every conversation feels like a repeat of the conversation before. I would rather sit in silence than listen to the drivel that comes out of their mouths. And really... I know I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Its not that they're terrible people. I'm sure they're well liked. Its just not for me. I find every minute tedious. And I know that makes me terribly unkind but the second I arrive I wish I had already left. I guess a big thing for me is how people speak to me. And this manner - oh it is wretched. Also.. really love when someone tells me they drove through Alberta once and then proceeds to tell me I am sorely mistaken about the fact that Dawson's Creek isnt in Lethbridge. And then gripes about what an awful profession dentistry is - and when she finds out I'm in dental school - goes "Well its true." Mmk bitch - I hope to never be within two feet of you again. Wait.. make that 30. The gut reaction to punch your skinny ace was pretty strong.
And I feel envious. Envious because - out of the two years that I've been in Massachusetts I havent been able to convince a single person - other than my parents (whom I adore for their willingness to come) to visit me. Mel and Derrick have a near constant stream of friends who want to visit. And I'm filled with jealousy that Mel has managed to stay so close with friends. Friends who want to see her in a tangible way. And its not that I have a lot of time to entertain someone. In fact I have none. Which I suppose is why my parents are the perfect people to come. Because they dont care if they spend the entire time watching tv while I study. They're just happy to be with me. But my envy has more to do with the gesture of it all. More to do with the fact that my closest friends cant be bothered to make an effort - not unless it has some personal perk for themselves. And I am no perk. And I suppose thats my fault. And that I should just be happy that they still speak to me. But we only see each other when I make the effort and fly home. Cause yes... coming home is an effort. I love being home, but its stressful. Because I feel like I need to make everybody happy. Because I love being home but I hate it too. And would we even see each other if I didnt come home? I dont really know the answer to that. I just get sick of hearing - come to edmonton, come to where I am. How about for once you come where I am? And I know, in my head, that friendship is more than just seeing each other. But sometimes it feels like I just dont matter.
And I know I'm being whiney. But I feel misunderstood. I cut my hair again. Because I couldnt stand how it looked any longer. But I'm not sure the haircut helped with the healthy dose of self-loathing I have going on. In fact it is most definitely worse.

6 comments:

Shel said...

Melissa, you are healthy because you can vent... I could relate to some of your thoughts... Please know that I love you and know that you are beautiful and strong... You are so capable and certainly a friend worth knowing and spending time with...
sometimes people don't really understand until they have been far from home - alone - for a while... some people never take that opportunity and don't know how shallow they are...
sometimes we get so self centered we start thinking that others are the ones that need to make the effort...
sometimes the ones that are weak are the ones that can't see outside their own circle to make the effort.. and sometimes they are shallow and make small talk because they are too worried to be real and too intimidated to reach out to their friends...

Alaya said...

I have mixed feelings about this post. One the one hand, I appreciate the fact that you hate people. But, on the other hand, I don't like the fact that you are feeling this way.

I love you. I'm pretty sure I always have. Also, im pretty sure I always will. And i'll stop only talking to you about teeth. Sorry. lol.

Amit and Heather said...

Oh venting... I love it. I hope it helped you feel a little better.

I know it won't be too special, but can I come visit you?? Or at least let's have another girls night off. I promise teeth and you being from Canada can be totally off limits. We'll get some Icees and candy. ;-)

Deidre said...

So if it makes you feel any better I don't know if my parents will come out EVER. Sad. I keep feeling like we are paying all this money for an extra bedroom that, interestingly, gets filled by strangers but not family. I'm afraid everyone won't visit because we spent so much time in Arizona. :(

Amit and Heather said...

Hey, its Amit. So I liked this post it was good. I feel the same way about the friends visiting part. My parents have only visited me once and none of my friends have come out yet. My brother hasnt even come out put thats a different story. So, I can relate to your situation. Also, going home is fun and we visit the people that we want to visit and enjoy the time that we are with them. But like you said there are those people that we don't get to see and arn't very happy. In that case all I have to say is, if you want to see us then come out here. So, I suggest when you go home for memorial day, spend the time with the people that will make the most of your time there. Also, I do not think it is ridiculous to drive 2 hours to get wings, but of coarse that is my opinion.

Cathy said...

Don't be retarded. I choose to take offence that you think that Bonnie and I can't be bothered to make the effort to come visit you. I try to stay in touch and maintain our friendship and not let the chasm called a continent spread us apart. I text you like you're around the block and not the continent, I count down to the day that I get to see you again - because yes, I do want to be friends with you in a tangible way - and I get my boyfriend to agree to a 7 hour then 5 hour drive rather than just a 5 hour drive so that I can feel like I'm keeping everyone I need to (and want to) happy. I need no convincing to come out to Boston and visit, I would love to! I'm sorry I have a job and debt I have to get out of before I'll feel free to just fly out for a couple days. Is our friendship worth it? Yes. But is it plausible? No. You should know the feeling, how much you'd love to just fly home for the weekend and visit, but you can't. You had to get permission from your parents to fly home next weekend. This is a special treat and I am so excited, but I'm not gonna lie, after reading this post a little part of me wants to stay in Edmonton and say if you wanna see me, make the effort, clearly I can't be bothered.