You know what I think is really annoying. When I speak to people and they will either only talk about the fact that I'm from Canada or doing dental. Like those are the only two things that they've chosen to remember about me and as such they assume those are the only two things that I could possibly care to talk about. Its actually really annoying to have people only talk to me about dental related issues. And almost comical the simple things that people dont know - like FYI gingivitis is inflammation of your gums. Ya know... the pink stuff that surrounds your teeth. And ridiculous because I do not feel qualified to have people asking me about the lesions they've noticed in their mouth. Um ya - the answer is go to a certified dentist ya fool. I think the reason it irritates me so much that people only talk to me about Canada or dental school, is that it makes me seem so one dimensional. I am bored the second the conversation begins. And it makes me realize that I have nothing in common with these people. Why do I try to be friends with people that clearly I was not meant to be friends with? We cant even get past the small talk stage of things... I loathe small talk. If we cant get past that stage we were most definitely not meant to be friends. Or even acquaintances... Cause I would rather not pretend to be close to people that I could care less about. And every conversation feels like a repeat of the conversation before. I would rather sit in silence than listen to the drivel that comes out of their mouths. And really... I know I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Its not that they're terrible people. I'm sure they're well liked. Its just not for me. I find every minute tedious. And I know that makes me terribly unkind but the second I arrive I wish I had already left. I guess a big thing for me is how people speak to me. And this manner - oh it is wretched. Also.. really love when someone tells me they drove through Alberta once and then proceeds to tell me I am sorely mistaken about the fact that Dawson's Creek isnt in Lethbridge. And then gripes about what an awful profession dentistry is - and when she finds out I'm in dental school - goes "Well its true." Mmk bitch - I hope to never be within two feet of you again. Wait.. make that 30. The gut reaction to punch your skinny ace was pretty strong.
And I feel envious. Envious because - out of the two years that I've been in Massachusetts I havent been able to convince a single person - other than my parents (whom I adore for their willingness to come) to visit me. Mel and Derrick have a near constant stream of friends who want to visit. And I'm filled with jealousy that Mel has managed to stay so close with friends. Friends who want to see her in a tangible way. And its not that I have a lot of time to entertain someone. In fact I have none. Which I suppose is why my parents are the perfect people to come. Because they dont care if they spend the entire time watching tv while I study. They're just happy to be with me. But my envy has more to do with the gesture of it all. More to do with the fact that my closest friends cant be bothered to make an effort - not unless it has some personal perk for themselves. And I am no perk. And I suppose thats my fault. And that I should just be happy that they still speak to me. But we only see each other when I make the effort and fly home. Cause yes... coming home is an effort. I love being home, but its stressful. Because I feel like I need to make everybody happy. Because I love being home but I hate it too. And would we even see each other if I didnt come home? I dont really know the answer to that. I just get sick of hearing - come to edmonton, come to where I am. How about for once you come where I am? And I know, in my head, that friendship is more than just seeing each other. But sometimes it feels like I just dont matter.
And I know I'm being whiney. But I feel misunderstood. I cut my hair again. Because I couldnt stand how it looked any longer. But I'm not sure the haircut helped with the healthy dose of self-loathing I have going on. In fact it is most definitely worse.
Brother moments from May 2018
3 days ago