Remember

I spend far too much time looking at the past. I know that. Remembering the little moments that mean nothing to anyone but me. I cant seem to help it though. I want to hold those moments - close to my chest. For as long as I can. Because they are more swirling dreams than reality now. And while I grasp them tight, they seep through my fingers and into the air. They are part of a different life - a different time. That no longer exists. I'm not the same. The people arent the same. My life is not the same. And thinking of them transports me back to that moment. I feel the same feelings. I smell the same smells. I see it just the way it was. And its a strange comfort. Comforting to know where I have been. To remember the things I have seen and felt. I think thats probably why I do it. Its my haunting melody. The one you cant get out of your head. Part of the person I am now, is the moments that shaped me. But its odd for me. Cause things that were significant to me, might not even be remembered by the other people party to it. For instance, once upon a time I met a boy. Said boy is now married. And I'm perfectly happy for him. But I still have the letters he sent me. And sometimes I read them. And I remember how much he made me smile.


Here's a few of my favorite lines. 
-id just like to thank u for your email,it really was just what i needed. it made me smile when u explained how hard it hit u, i am really glad u are that concerned with my life, cause i feel the same way towards u. i genuinely care for u and how u are doing. and u have made this last month thruely blissful (i know it sounds pretty gay, but its true). everythign felt so natural between us, nothing was forced. we both have our differences, but the differences that u have from me, are things that i admire and things i wish i had for myself, things that i want to have for myself. i love how u stand up for yourself without even a second thought and that u wont let anyone push u around, your very strong mentally and physically, your as tough as nails. and nothing intimidates, but your also  very affectionate and u arent afraid to show it. u are just a great girl and  u really helped to calm my nerves thoughout all the things i have been preparing for and going through for this last month, up to this very minute. 

-another thing.... i couldnt stop laughing when you were talking about your sneaky little fingers, pure genius, u should get that copywrited or something. i actually did laugh out loud when i read it, and nothing makes me laugh out loud while im reading it except for calvin and hobbes, so your in good company.

-i just arrived back from my little sisters basketball, and i dont know what got in me, but i had absolutely no mercy, at times i had even shocked myself with things i had done, i swatted girls at least 7 times... and worst of all is that i wasnt only picking on my sister and my cousin. but girls that i had never met before, any thing that wasnt in a wheelchair was fair game, but even the wheelchair girls would have to keep their heads up, or else they would get a stick right in their spokes. i guess i just need an outlet for all my built up rage and aggression, and i couldnt find my dog, so little girls are the next best thing.....

-im glad it didnt gross u out about my sweater, im pretty sure if it were anyone else, i probably wouldnt had gotten an email back ever again. but it is good to know u are a girl of the same cleanliness and hygiene orientation. i could tell u were from the first moment that i saw u. and then my heart melted. and i preceded to only communicate with u through my eyes for a year or so.... 

-some girls would definitely be offended from a couple of the things that i blurted out... then again, u arent a normal girl, your above average, u know how to keep it real, and i enjoy that you are a realist about most things... especially in a situation like this, people tend to get caught in a fairy tale world that gets blown to smithereens in a couple of months...

I want to believe I learn something true by remembering like I do. That my personal history has more of a point than just being memories. But maybe its not true. Maybe I remember just for the sake of remembering. Because that is where my mind wanders in an off moment. But maybe, just maybe I ought to learn something and that is why the memories flood my mind until I beg for relief. Because those who forget the lessons from the past are doomed to repeat them. And because my memories are ingrained as part of who I am.