Tuesday, November 10, 2009

For the back of my closet

Dear [Secret]
I could see through your façade from the beginning. But that didnt stop me from wanting to believe in you. It didnt stop me from slowly opening up to you again. From slowly sharing a piece of myself with you. I knew you wouldnt value how hard that was for me. I knew you wouldnt value what I was giving you. But I convinced myself that it was just a small piece. That it wouldnt hurt me to give it. That your power to hurt me was gone. I wanted absolution to the past. And you held that out in front of me, knowing I would be hard pressed to resist. The story I told myself was fool-proof. Except for the memory of my pesky feelings. And that pesky heart. And your words. So ambivalent and full of intrigue. I promised myself that I was just curious and you provided nothing but entertainment. That I knew what I was doing. But I should of known that I wouldnt be able to not hope for you. And that you didnt have it in you to care. You asked for honesty. I gave it to you. You hinted and played on my scarred and bruised heart. Because you knew you could. I should have known better. And I tried my best to ignore it. Because now that you have so anti-climatically left, I am left sitting here. Wondering if I had been less straight forward, if it would of played out differently. If I had been less trusting. And less open to you when you first sought me out. And I know in my mind that your departure really has nothing to do with me. But I cant help but feel that it does. And that somehow I'll never be enough. All I wanted to do was prove I was strong. And now I know I'm not. My pride will not allow me to ask the questions I want to know. What did you want from me? What were you hoping to gain?  You were never real. And I cant decide if you knew the consequences of your actions. Because I hate to believe that anyone would intentionally seek to cause me pain - but you just may be the exception having a history for disregarding my feelings. The past has shown that your words mean nothing. They are just nicely strung together letters. Their meaning never more untrue than when you first uttered them. I knew that I was nothing more than entertainment for you and that your façade could only last so long. I curse myself for knowing better. And checking for any sign I've misread you. I ache knowing my instincts are always right and time again I try to test them. When will I learn? Just know that you have not won. You will not see me calling after you. I have my limits. And I have reached one now. I refuse to invest another moment of my hope in you. Because you are no more than a disappointment waiting to happen. So good luck to you. And goodbye.    


Cathy said...

I'm afraid I know what you're talking about.

Bi-Ped said...

I love how forthright and articulate you are.