I would say that in general, I do a pretty great job of appearing put together. I get freaked out and feel out of my depth just like everybody else, but usually I steel my nerves and pull myself in tight so that I can make it through. And usually that works. Even if I'm a jumble inside, on the outside I appear strong and hard and capable.
But then I have days like today. Instead of pulling myself in tight I completely fell apart. I dont do well when I dont feel like I know what I'm doing and when I dont feel like I'm getting the help I'm asking for. Especially since I so rarely ask for help.
I told my faculty member that I had never done a final impression. And he knew that my patient had been fighting me the entire appointment - jumping at everything I would do, not allowing me to suction or put cottons rolls or dri-angles in his mouth. But my faculty said he was too busy to help and told me to find someone to do the final impression with - since its not something you can do by yourself. I didnt even know how to use the machine or set it up and I didnt have anyone I knew to ask to help me. And I walked up to the sterilization window and just burst into tears. This appointment did not go how I had planned at all.
Number of times I burst into tears in my one appointment in front of people: 2. Number of times I burst into tears in empty bays, hallways, stairwells and/or elevators: Well... no need to put a number on that. As soon as my appointment was over and I was able, I ran from the building. Full on, sprinting away, with my back pack bouncing all over. I physically could not be there for one second longer. I came home and dissolved. And then cried myself to sleep. Days like today make me doubt my ability to make it through this next year. Days like today make me want to hide and never re-surface. And if I wasnt full of responsibility I think I would do just that.
But tomorrow is another day. And I really dont have the time to be off the horse. Because while I may never want to see the school or another patient again, I know that the reality of the situation is I have to buck up and do it anyways.
Brother moments from May 2018
2 days ago