Thursday, October 14, 2010

Matt -

So this is probably going to be boring... But here are the first few minutes of my first post-mission conversation with my brother Matt.

My brother Matt arrived home last night from his two year mission. He's been in Mexico, teaching the gospel for the last two years and besides emails (which barely count as communication FYI), I've spoken to him once for five minutes. And as happy and excited as I am to have Matt home, I'm left feeling... well, left out. My parents deemed it unimportant for me to come home for his arrival. I wont hear his homecoming talk (tho I also didnt hear his farewell talk either). And before I know it, he'll be so wrapped up in making up for two years of being away. And in my mind moving forward is synonymous with moving on - which comes with the side affect of being forgotten. I feel left out. And while I appreciate that now that he's home he's ready to move forward with his life - get a job, make new friends, go to school - its left me feeling rather uneasy. Because while he was on his mission, I had the luxury of knowing that Matt and I were in this time capsule of closeness. There could be no change in the time warp that is a mission and as such we could never drift. But now that he's home... there's no safety in that. He doesnt have the alloted P-Day to make sure he writes (and the rule saying all email must go to immediate family only). And as all post-missionaries do, he wants to get swept up in his new life. And I'm far away. I feel very unimportant, because people and their busy lives, means that they dont have time for some girl on the other side of the continent. Even if I am family - that seems all the more reason to put zero effort in because we'll always be family. But I want more than just the title of family. Matt is one of my best friends. And I know that its a choice to stay close. But life has a way of pulling people apart. I know its silly to get worked up about it, but if Boston has taught me one thing, its that if you are out of sight, you are most definitely out of mind.
I really want my brother to be happy but I also mourn for his progress. Because I feel like I have no progress of my own. Everyone moves forward, and I'm at a standstill. And my family is all I have. And if they move past me then I have nothing at all.


Amber Rose said...

Honeybee, as I read this I felt so able to relate.

My dad is coming home from Afghanistan some time around the end of March and then my family is immediately moving to another state as he is retiring out of the military. My scholarship is conditional for the school I go to, so now that he's finally home for good (after four year-long deployments in the past six years), they're leaving. Moving on, similar to what you've expressed.

I'd love to offer words of advice, but I'm struggling through (almost) the same thing. I suppose we'll just have to trust that our relationships are strong enough.


Shelby Lou said...

This made me sad, and I hope you get to see your brother soon. Your family wont move on without you, no matter how much you think they will. I have felt that way, but it's so wrong. They love you no matter what, and will always be there.