Monday, May 28, 2012


For the first time since graduating I slept in. It wasn't the unsound and ill sleep of the overly travelled. It was a pre-stress-and-responsibilty kind of sleep. I woke up and stayed in my pyjamas all day. It felt like that kind of day. I laid in my parents guest bedroom for hours just knowing that for the first time in a long time I didn't have anything that needed to be done. There was no obligations. And I let that feeling settle into me. I climbed out the window and sat on the roof. Climbed in the window and watched youtube videos. And read books. I liked the quiet. And the solitude.
I have a lot of life planning to do. And a lot of thinking and contemplating. Things I would rather not do.
I've been to Cold Lake probably two or three times every year since my parents moved up here. But I usually only go from their house to the dental office and then away again. As ridiculous as it sounds, what I like best about being here right now is that I can be alone. Being secluded with a father who works all day makes that easy. Without the guilt of knowing I should make an effort to spend time with people who love me and would want my attention.
I decided to explore my parents' neighbourhood today since I've never really done that and I do plan to start actually exercising again at some point and a walk sounded nice. Its mostly made of cul-de-sacs. But it is only a block away from what appears to be some sort of trailer campground and what I can only assume is Cold Lake - the large lake the town is named for.
I walked every street in their neighbourhood which took me around an hour, considering all the dead ends and back tracking and re-tracking that occurred. And as I walked, I thought about the constant connectedness of my life. Dental school Melissa has always had a computer or phone at her hands.
I was never the type to be in constant communication. Don't get me wrong. I love instagram and a myriad of other ultimate time wasting applications that come with having a cell phone and the ability to be in constant communication. Its easy to get caught up in always being connected. But I actually held out on getting a cell phone for many years because I loved the freedom of not having one so much. I only got a cell phone my last year of University. There was just something nice about knowing that if people wanted to contact me they had to put in a little effort to track me down. And if I was out, then that was that. I used to actually know people's phone numbers. I enjoy a little quiet and not feeling the need to check my phone thousands of times each day.
I feel so strange in this life of mine. And I'm not sure what to do. Most of the time I just want to be left alone with my books and journals and thoughts. I want to run away. I want to stay exactly where I am. But mostly, I want to feel like I'm not a lost little girl.
But life isn't a wish-granting factory. That much I know.
It's lucky, I suppose that its going to take a bit of time to get a Canadian dental license. And I'm sure my parents are praying that in the meantime I pull myself together. But I'm not so sure I have it in me to patch myself together one more time, when I feel like the last four years has been a marathon of patching.
As I walked around in the beautiful sunny weather, I thought that maybe I'll take a break from cell phones and constant connectedness. A Canadian cell phone feels so permanent right now and I am anything but ready for anything permanent. It might do me some good to be trapped with my thoughts alone and forced to deal with some things. Yes, I think a break would do me some good.

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