I guess I'm going to preface this post with the fact that this is a pin-point estimation of what I'm feeling. Dont take it for solid fact that I always feel like this. Cause I dont. And I will tell you its stupid to assume I would. And this is on the cusp of being too personal. I dont mean to sound ungrateful for my life or what I have been given. Because I am extremely grateful for everything. But for tonight, I feel like sharing. So share I am.
Sometimes I get in moods. I've only once had it described so point blank, in such a poetic and devastatingly heartwrenching way.
"If you yet remain as the you I once knew, I imagine you still harbor heavy thoughts from time to time; thoughts that weigh you down and make a slightly-off day near unbearable."
Its odd to have yourself described in a poignantly true manner.
Most of the time people ignore my mood; knowing full well that it will pass. Just like the rest of the world, I cant help but move on. And my murky thoughts never stay murky for long. It is one of my best features I think, that I move past disappointment in such an efficient manner. Tucking my chin, and bearing forward, despite any residual feet dragging. There is always work to do, and I have it ingrained in my head that responsibility comes before all else. By no means, does that mean I get over it; thats one of my worst features, I store it all away in a quiet place, to be looked at and tormented with later. But routine and responsibility have a way of dampening all other feelings.
Why am I thinking about this?
Because I'm in a mood.
I have often felt, that I was a hairsbreadth away from being over the designated line. The line set by expectations, responsibility, morality.
But I toe the line, like a champion tight rope walker.
As a teenager, just about every adult I knew thought I was a bad kid. An outspoken nature, and a stubborn streak will do that for you. And I felt no need to let them read me the right way. They'd made up their minds about me based on my unwillingness to be strong-armed into a typical model of acceptability. And being arrogant, I let them think it. Because I wasnt doing anything for their public approval. And I didnt need their acceptance. I did my entire young womans achievement book secretly (with the help of my mother of course). And when I finished it, my mother thought I should turn it in. To which I scoffed. Because I didnt do it for the recognition. I did it for my own personal satisfaction.
But it irritated me. I wont pretend it didnt. Even still, it irritates me that I was so wrongly judged.
Here, quite a few of my junior high friends were going off getting drunk, lying to their parents and doing drugs.
And it would have been so easy, with so much acceptance, to follow suit.
Much more acceptance than I was ever offered anywhere else at that time.
I chose to be separate though.
I've always been filled with a sense of... I suppose it is responsibility, perhaps morality... And I knew that whatever teenage acceptance those friends offered, it wasnt worth it. Not to me anyways. (Add to that the completely fickle and backbiting nature of most teenage girls...)
I often felt left out. And out of place. And alone.
I chose to be a secretly good kid, whose friends could care less and who adults were wary of.
And it was the right choice - and I'd do it the same way if I had to.
But it wasnt easy.
For years I have toed the line of what is expected of me. What is the responsible way to behave. And truthfully, sometimes being so responsible wears on a person. It makes me feel like I'm much too serious and missing out. Like I am wasting my youth. Sometimes I think the expectations of others and myself will crush me. And maybe those expectations are just my own perception. But real or not, they still affect me. Because the thing about expectations is you never really live up to them. I will never fully be the person people think I ought to be. I will never behave in exactly the way people think I ought to. There will always be that tiny layer of disappointment. And occasionally that layer of disappointment rises up and suffocates me.
I know that people envy my situation in life. I am nigh unto being done with my formal education. And I will finish with a career. I have cousins who are adventurous and irresponsible. Just starting to buckle down and become responsible. And they would trade places with me if given the chance. But I envy them, even as in the same breath, I know I could never shirk my life plan as completely as they used to. But I would dabble in adventure. Because when I finish school I will have nothing but a piece of paper and a working knowledge of how to get through school. And their adventures have been calling to me for years. And I suppose they have been calling to me too - even with my sad smiles and sober realities - they have always made me feel like I could be so fun and carefree.
Somewhere along the line I've lost the point.
I guess the point is, that there is a price for every action. And even though being responsible, smart and doing whats expected of you is good, it has its cost. My parents think I'm selfish - and I probably am - but I also think that I have paid my dues at being responsible. And its frustrating to have been working for so long and so hard, only to be told, that alas, in another five to ten years you'll find your reprieve, when you've good and earned it. Because I honestly feel like I've earned it right now. And I cant think of anything worse than getting stuck in the complacent, completely responsible path. Because it would be so easy to put off adventure. At first it would only be for a couple years. But that couple would turn into five, which would multiply into ten. And before I know it, I'm old, and havent done any of the things I wanted to do. All because work came first. Sure, being responsible is important and I'm not discrediting that. But it isnt the only way to experience life. And I already know that I want more than it offers alone.