I remember sitting around my highschool signing yearbooks on my last day of highschool ever.
The world lay before me.
I was smart, full of self-confidence, and ready to kick butt at life.
I couldnt wait. My plans for the fall were settled. And the freedom of adulthood lay before me.
I pictured my life and had no doubts it would go exactly how I wanted it to.
Because I made things happen.
And I was fearless.
My potential seemed endless. My friends and I were never going to lose touch. There was never going to be a reason for my boyfriend and I to break up. I would breeze through school like I always had. Two years undergrad, four years dental, married at 23-24, still a size six. Perfection.
The thing about looking in the past, is that it reminds us of what we were. I've changed so much since that day of signing yearbooks. And life has changed so much. Some of the changes have been welcomed (I mean as much as I loved being impenetrable to feelings I suppose its a good thing I've softened, tho I sometimes curse it daily). But other changes are less so. Somedays I miss my 17 year old self, my 17 year old life. I miss that girl who was quick with a come back and so self-assured. I miss feeling like I knew exactly where I was headed. I had such a drive of purpose. Arrogantly daring the world to throw whatever it pleased at me because of my knowledge that I could handle it. I miss not caring one lick what anyone else thought because I was so comfortable with who I was and didnt feel the need to impress anyone.
Life has not led me down the path I anticipated.
I look back and can pinpoint exact moments where the path I was on changed.
I do wish that I could re-gain some of my former glory and add it to the good changes that have come my way. Do I want to be 17 again? H no. But I wouldnt mind that naive feeling of invincibility back. Because I may have softened as a person, but that has left me vulnerable to the tumults of life.
I wish I was stoic and noble enough to say that I'm living life and loving it.
But for now, living life will have to do.