Wednesday, May 8, 2013

At the beginning

The soft wind pulls gently on my long curls, blowing strands sporadically across my face, that I try to keep tucked to the sides as we chat. My heart beats a little quicker at our proximity. At the slight shifts in your positioning that leave us grazing each other. You are standing and leaning slightly in towards me. Occasionally, your hand reaches out to touch my arm or side, to emphasise a point you are making. And while this initial attraction is flattering and welcomed, I realise I'm scared. This is a dangerous game. Because I dont know what will happen if I let you in. And I'm nervous to make a choice. 

When we are just a promising possibility, I can safely enjoy your attention from my emotionally distant place. Knowing that if I dont pick you or you dont pick me, that I have not invested my heart. And giving you up and finding someone new will not wound me. But I know myself enough to know, that once you become a real possibility, I will not be able to maintain such separation of emotion and action. I will throw myself wholeheartedly into you. I am frightened for yet another rejection. Of picking someone who will not or cannot care for me as fiercely as I care for them. So I hesitate. I want to be wise in my considerations like I never have been before. And I coyly try to charm you into investing your feelings into me before I decide to do the same.

Another strand falls across my face and with slight hesitation, you sweep it back. And I can't help but smile inwardly at what is such a intimate motion. A darling gesture that promises affection.
Your gaze settles on my face and I feel myself start to fidget; I cannot hold the intensity in your eyes. I'm not ready to decide. So I shift slightly to put some distance between us. Smiling enough to entice but always pulling back so I can keep you at an arms length for now. 

Eventually, I'll have to choose or my hesitation will have you choosing for me. This shy initial flirtation can only last a short while. And I want to decide for myself. But not yet. For now, I'll debate and picture myself with you, trying to imagine what your feelings could be. And for now, those speculated  feelings are enough.

No comments: