Despite the Best of Intentions, All I Can Do is Evil. And Soon, And Soon, I Stop Intending

I lament myself,

And the ruin I bring.

If destruction is evil,

Then evil is me.

But not in intention,

Nor love to do wrong.

I'd do good if I could,

But I don't know how.

I destroy what I touch,

And hurt those who love.

Then burden the burdened,

And crush others hope.

No tear nor regret,

Burdens my mind.

But I mourn myself,

And my effect on mankind.

Despite what's intended,

It's evil I sow.

I soon stop intending,

And intend good no more.


- Ben Lowry

Costume Time

I took today off school. I'm a rebel like that. 

And needed some me time. (Read: Sleeping till 3pm time)

As such I spent a very long time getting ready for Halloween.

You know whats the bane of my Halloween?

Fake eyelashes. They are the death of me.

But so pretty.

I will admit... this isnt the most hardcore costume I've ever done.

But I felt like being cute this year.

Try not to hold it against me.

And please love my high waisted pants... and my shirt. 

Is it weird to want to do my hair, makeup and my Halloween outfit again in a non-Halloween setting?

I guess that just goes to show how less than out of the box it is. 

The plan for tonite?

I'm going to a party.

Its probably gonna be awkward. 

But so is the majority of my social interactions.

Wish me luck!

Todays an OS kinda day

I'm on my Oral Surgery Rotation right now. And basically have been exhausted all week. Please take note of the dark circles beneath my eyes. How darling.

Today I was at Boston Medical Center's Oralfacial Maxillosugery department. Several things contributed to my exhaustion/annoyance.

1. My freaking supervisor at BU Oral Surgery department told me to come to school at 8 am... even though I didnt need to be there till 8:30am cause the fourth years were taking an Oral exam that required all the OS faculty.

2. Though generally I'm not squeamish around blood, occasionally I'll see an extraction that makes me want to claw my eyes out. Full mouth extractions are heinous. Always. And today's first extraction of the day, just seemed too bloody and violent. Add to that a small bone artery that was spurting blood at me... Dude. I almost lost it. Blood spurting is too much. Gently infusing the socket and surrounding bone is ok. Spurting is not. Got it? Good.

3. A random OS resident entered the room and asked for a student to watch/assist him in a bilateral mandible fracture surgery. "Oh there's a third year - she can go." "You squeamish around blood? How do you feel about tissue retraction?" - Lets go with five minutes ago things were appearing brutal and tedious and I was getting squeamish? I'll just stay quiet and follow you.

The surgery was four hours long. And my whole body aches because of it. And I saw/did a few firsts:

I accidentally leaned on someone's sterile gown and felt stupid for ruining its sterility.

I am pretty sure the med students observing were cursing my name because I had a better view of the surgery than they did.

Also, I witnessed them putting a catheter in this guy. Eek. 

I scrubbed into the surgery - up to my elbows and just like the tv shows. Except now they have brushless scrub soap. 

I then entered the operation room and was taught to dry my hands off in a sterile manner. 

Someone put a sterile gown on me, tied me up at the back and twirled me around to finish tying it (and told me not to feel stupid because everyone twirls).

I also got sterile gloves on. Then immediately touched my full face mask and had to re-get sterile gloves on.

My mask rode up the entire surgery. And drove me crazy the entire surgery.

I watched them cut through a man's neck to get at the fracture on one side of his jaw.

They also totally cut and reflected the floor of his mouth to get at the other fracture.

Mid-way through I thought to myself - its gonna take awhile to put this man's face back together.

But it didnt really.

The head surgeon at the start of the surgery was a cocky, arrogant man, that made fun of the resident as he worked, telling him he was gonna cut the external jugular vein and then he'd have to fix it.

He also called me Missy several times and had me right in there holding back tissue, suctioning, whatever else.

I kinda liked his bravado.

The surgeon who replaced him was totally a "helicopter mom"... and I did alot more standing at the head of the table with nothing in my hands with him.

The surgery itself felt very "medical". Which may sound like a stupid way to describe it, but seriously. I also felt terribly young and naive. But I wasnt the least bit squeamish about retracting tissue, suctioning blood and the smell of burning flesh (cause they cauterized their way through some tissue layers). Legitimately, I would do alright as an Oral surgeon I think. But on the other hand, I do not feel smart enough to be that. And to remember everything they need to remember. And really I have no idea what comes after graduating from dental school. I'm just so focused right now on surviving. 

I also was reminded of how much I hate standing. Its part of the reason I never really did choir. By the time the resident lead me through the maze that is the hospital, the other students had left for the day. I had worked straight through lunch and for longer than the other students. I was beat. I got my flu shot and left. My feet ache. I keep falling asleep as I study. And I just know that tomorrow is gonna be one hell of a day. I need to get my Mandibular Block competency, and take my Fixed midterm, both of which I feel ill prepared for. Awesome. 

Anyone wanna come be me for a day? Cause I need a break from myself.

That Time I Was Blonde

Anyone who knows me, knows that I love Halloween with an intensity. As such, I spend weeks preparing for the Halloweentastic event. I often think of an idea and then try to make it a reality. I dont care that I dont really have anything to do this year. It just wouldnt be right if I didnt dress up. I love the feeling of personifying something that you're not. And I think that making/finding stuff to complete your costume is rather cathartic. I was a grumpy gus yesterday, but I decided I needed to try to find a few things I'm missing for doing my Halloween makeup. And just wandering isles and trying to decide exactly what I wanted to do made me feel better. I love seeing other people dressed up. And I love being dressed up.


I also have a few rules for making Halloween a success:
1. Go Hardcore or Go Home - Dude. The reason people feel stupid dressing up is because they havent committed enough. Because being semi-dressed up just isnt fun.
2. Make Sure Sugar is Your Middle Name - Halloween is salvation in my books since candy is always on hand. If its not too sacrilegious I might make candy my new religion...
3. TAKE PICTURES - I cant stress enough the fact that looking at my costume - and others - after the fact is legit half the reason I dress up. Halloween is such a photo friendly night. No need to feel awkward being uber camera happy. Its totally brilliant. And results in a well documented excursion.
4. Be the costume - the funnest times I've had whilst dressed up were when I completely embodied my costume. I look back and all I can remember is how much fun I had and how ridiculous I was. But I loved every second of it!

So cross your fingers that this years costume works out how I want it to. (I'll also accept another round of guesses as to what you think I'm being this year... Though my above pictures arent actually relevant... haha)

And for a flashback of Halloweens' past (or random dress-up days)

Oh grade 12. Back in the prime. I wish I had a better picture on hand - one where my hair was humungous. But sadly this one of me and my besties will have to suffice. 

(And no it wasnt actually 94) 

What are we?

Shame on you for asking...

Just kidding.

Alanna is a hooker - yup... a bona-fide, stuffed her bra with every air pad we could find, high leather boots whore.

Janice and I were 80s - my sweatshirt said SPEA - which I decided stood for Super Perfect Eighties Attitude.

And Mandy was the cutest bumblebee you ever saw.

 I had a hideously weird roommate my 4th year of university. The benefit of it? Sometimes she would dress me up in ridiculous get-ups for FHE Halloween.

I'm not sure anything could top Year 2.

The gypsy was clutch! As was Petey's LA thug-life.

Though its a tough call... Cause I really REALLY liked being a mermaid.

Like REALLY REALLY REALLY.

 That one time Cathy and I were in Calgary.

Oh just a typical Friday night. Went to one of Cathy's classmates houses to stay over. Got dressed up in Kimono's. Proceeded to have a battle royale. The usual.

Dressing up is also good for dates.

Like embodying a (mini)golf pro via Value Village.

Breakfestivus for the Restivus!

So my friends and I made hats at one of our Breakfestivus'. Nobigdeal.

 That time where I started out as a hot bum.

 And became the real deal as the night progressed.

And yes I made that face throughout the entire night. And no it wasnt pretty.

I still cringe at the pictures.

 HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!

Boston Firefighters Local 10K

This 10K came with a completely different feeling than the last.

I think mostly because I felt like my running has been less than stellar lately. 

So while I wasnt nervous so much about the race, I was nervous about my ability to run.

Cause running hates me. And lately the feeling has been mutual.

But I was determined. I would run the entire 6.2 if it killed me - which I was fairly certain it would.

BEFORE

Dee, Lucinda and I apparently signed up one right after each other during class. Hence the numbers.

Dee, Me, Lucinda, Chelsea

The run was going alright tho - pretty flat for the most part. I mean I was tired but making better time than I'd anticipated. That is until I hit the Mile 4 marker. That was when my body decided it had had enough running and wanted to stop. But I kept going. We ran on the road and I kept thinking that I was closer than I was. Turns out I wasnt super observant on the loop out, so I kept getting tricked into thinking I was further along than I was. Which made for a long run. I legitimately wanted to stop running, but I pushed through (and cursed a few times for good measure). A slow run is still a run tho. And I'm glad I kept going. I even beat my time from the last 10K - 66 mins Booya! Even though this run hurt more to run (due to my waning consistency), I do realize that I'm making some progress - even if it doesnt feel like it. Running a little faster than I ran before and that sort of thing.

AFTER

80s Everyday

 Apparently the combo of my hair and my outfit were screaming 80s love today. At least thats what multiple classmates told me. What can I say? I was born to rock the 80s. 

Matt -

So this is probably going to be boring... But here are the first few minutes of my first post-mission conversation with my brother Matt.



My brother Matt arrived home last night from his two year mission. He's been in Mexico, teaching the gospel for the last two years and besides emails (which barely count as communication FYI), I've spoken to him once for five minutes. And as happy and excited as I am to have Matt home, I'm left feeling... well, left out. My parents deemed it unimportant for me to come home for his arrival. I wont hear his homecoming talk (tho I also didnt hear his farewell talk either). And before I know it, he'll be so wrapped up in making up for two years of being away. And in my mind moving forward is synonymous with moving on - which comes with the side affect of being forgotten. I feel left out. And while I appreciate that now that he's home he's ready to move forward with his life - get a job, make new friends, go to school - its left me feeling rather uneasy. Because while he was on his mission, I had the luxury of knowing that Matt and I were in this time capsule of closeness. There could be no change in the time warp that is a mission and as such we could never drift. But now that he's home... there's no safety in that. He doesnt have the alloted P-Day to make sure he writes (and the rule saying all email must go to immediate family only). And as all post-missionaries do, he wants to get swept up in his new life. And I'm far away. I feel very unimportant, because people and their busy lives, means that they dont have time for some girl on the other side of the continent. Even if I am family - that seems all the more reason to put zero effort in because we'll always be family. But I want more than just the title of family. Matt is one of my best friends. And I know that its a choice to stay close. But life has a way of pulling people apart. I know its silly to get worked up about it, but if Boston has taught me one thing, its that if you are out of sight, you are most definitely out of mind.
I really want my brother to be happy but I also mourn for his progress. Because I feel like I have no progress of my own. Everyone moves forward, and I'm at a standstill. And my family is all I have. And if they move past me then I have nothing at all.

Mrs. Gulis

Dee's mom came into town on Friday, so we went out for dinner and then to a comedy show.

Dee, Lucinda, Me

These girls are my favorite.

Chelsea, Meg, Mrs. Gulis

We went to a improv show which was pretty funny - minus the completely drunken and out of control bridesmaid party that was across from us. And it was fun. 

And Lucinda and I realised that neither of us is capable of being in front of a camera and doing a closed mouth smile. 

So we took a deliberate shot of us not showing teeth.

I miss our pearly whites.

Dude

So I entered a giveaway at thebusybee. And dude - I actually won (that never happens).

And yes, I won with a complainy comment. Whoopsie. Turns out plenty of internet strangers will be getting the jist of my daily grumblings.

Known

There are a million and one things I could be worrying about. But the fact of the matter is that if I chose to worry about them, thats all I would ever do. Sometimes its very hard to not feel completely and utterly consumed by all the unknowns. But there are a few certain knowns that if I focus on, seem to make up the difference.

MY KNOWNS
- That separately or together, my parents will call to check in on me twice a week. There is comfort in knowing that no matter who forgets me, they will not. Even when my time is short, its nice to hear someone who disagrees with my personal disappointment in myself. They have a steadying influence and occasionally help me to broaden my perspective. And always (even when we have our moments) they love me for whoever I may be. That kind of acceptance, I've discovered, is rare. They see me for who I could be without making me ashamed of who I am. And that is a rare balance.
- That my best friend Cathy, will still be my best friend when she is Mrs. Bevans. Yes, dear Cathy, is finally engaged to Trent. I've only been team Trent for a solid three years and I am so perfectly pleased that these two are tying the knot on November 20, 2010. I'm excited I get to come home for it, and I'm excited for how happy this impending marriage makes Cathy. And that she no longer needs to plan in secret. I love Cathy dearly. And even though I secretly keep a little box of worries that she'll forget me as she moves into this new stage of life, overarchingly I know that Cathy will always be my friend, whatever the distance.
- That group studying with the dental group will inevitably result in me laughing till my face is sore. The jokes are always nerdy and never funny when I try to explain them to someone outside of the group, but it makes me so happy to have such great friends at school.
- That hardwork and perseverance will inevitably pull me through any obstacle. It may sound cheesy but I really do believe that if you're willing to work for something hard enough, you will eventually get what you want. Ya, a lot of times I want to quit - because FYI hardwork also sucks - but the thing is, it has gotten me through a lot. Sometimes "making it" is lowering your expectations and putting your shoulder to the wheel.
- That my brother Matt is gonna be such a stud post-mish. October 13, 2010. Thats right people. The day is coming. I'm terribly sad that I wont see him for at least a month, but I'm so excited for him to come home all the same. Even when it gives me a complex, I know that Matt is a wonderful guy and people love and adore him.
- That my brother Josh is such a wise little man. Seriously people - a twenty year old should not be this naturally wise. But Josh is such a big hearted guy and his advice is always on point.
- That no matter the struggle, I will make it through dental school. I cant always see how I'll accomplish this, but it helps to know that people have done it before and it can be done again.