Choice: that was the thing.

Dear {Secret}
Perhaps you already know this, but sometimes what you want most also becomes what hurts you most. Because sometimes kindness is a cruelty in its own way. I dont know how to explain how much dreams can hurt. I woke up this morning in physical pain having dreamt all night. Because hope cuts deeply on occasion. And sometimes we want things that we already know arent good for us.
I tried to explain to someone younger than me the realization that not everyone gets everything they want in life. Sacrifices must be made. Some things just dont work out. Some dreams must be given up. Sometimes you have to accept the life you have and learn to be happy with it rather than continuously mourning the life you didnt get. How strange to be old enough to no longer see the world as always giving. Because even five years ago, I think I was of that rationale; That, whyofcoursethingswillworkoutandI'llgeteverydreamandthingswillbeohsoperfect. Life is much too messy for such simplicity of thought. And sometimes the world only takes.
I know the smart course of action. And I know that because I am smart, it will be the course I take. But dont think that it isnt hard for me to do it. That it isnt a choice that I will question everyday. That my resolve wont wane at inopportune moments - one step forward, two steps back. That the hope, potential and what ifs of the opposite choice dont already keep me awake most nights. Because what if we were happy? Isnt the potential disaster, and pain worth the possibility of such great happiness?
The choice you offered me was never much of a choice. It was more a declaration that either I jump on your time schedule and always be subservient to your career, your ambition and most of all what you want. What a choice! I would basically become my mother - which is by far one of my most terrifying thoughts. I would have her marriage and all of the insecurities she has with that marriage. Would I then become her? I have spent my whole life knowing that I would never let myself have that life. Too strong of will. Too many desires of my own. Too demanding of love and life. I wouldnt want to wonder if you loved your career, your ambitions, and yourself, more than me. And worse still is that I probably wouldnt wonder - I would know that you did. I have always wanted to be most important to the person I loved most. I have always wanted to build a life together with my love. To make life choices together. The give and take has always sounded so appealing, even for someone like me who likes to have her way. To choose our path together. It could be such an adventure!
I am so very tempted to choose the life I swore I would never have. Because I want any excuse to pick you. Even though you have pretty much told me you also think itd be a bad choice for me. And because your time frame allows me time to weigh my options, to search for better but still contemplate you, I'll probably still think about it. Even though I think I know having you would be too great a personal sacrifice. I still kind of want to do it. And if I believed for sure that you would love me most, I know I would follow you anywhere; support any ambition you had, any life you wanted.
I keep thinking about marrying the right person at the right time. I have wanted you to be the right person. Oh how I have desired that, much to the chagrin of everyone around me. And I always kind of believed that perhaps the timing was wrong. But you weren't wrong in the fact that I would never be happy being secondary to everything else you value in life. I would never be happy knowing you love ambition more than me. Particularly when I know that I could have loved you above everything and everyone else.
You act like its me who will make a choice. But really, you chose first. Unapologetically you have chosen yourself. That, I think, is the hardest part. It is easy to comfort myself when things go amiss that the person breaking my heart didnt love me or didnt care about me. But I know you do care. Just not enough. Not enough to choose me over yourself. And it is understandable to me why you would make such a choice. I honestly do see where you're coming from. The cant and the wont of it. The things you want arent bad. But honestly, they're also not the most important. And I pity your choice to set yourself up for a life completely alone. Because I could have been there with you all along. You needn't be alone. And I still hope that perhaps, before true regret settles in, you will realize that, even if our moment has passed.
Its not fair for me to be with you because I know I would spend a lifetime asking you to give me more. And always being disappointed you couldnt. I would always wish for you to care about me first and everything else second. And that isnt the life you have mapped out. In your life, I would always be an afterthought. And I am no afterthought.

You love me. Sure. In your own way I believe you do. But you do not choose me. And choice, that is the thing. 

The Job

There was a time, not too long ago where I wasnt sure that I was going to enjoy working. Dental school had dentaled me out. People would approach me and want to talk about my future and my future career and it was all I could do to not scream at them. I'd try to hedge and turn the conversation somewhere else. Anywhere else. Because in the back of my mind I wasnt sure that I would even be able to stand having to do anything dental related. It felt like a chore. And I was terrified. Because whether I was ready to or not, whether I liked it or not, a job was very much in my future. A dental job at that.

But I pushed onward because that was the only place to go. As much as I love and greatly admire my father, his passion for his dental profession is intimidating and creates a job satisfaction insecurity. Because I know in my heart, that while doing dental work is fine and mostly enjoyable, I could walk away from it and never look back. I don't love it above all else. I dont love it like my dad does. It's a great job and provides some implicit benefits (hello never having to buy toothbrushes), it is still, at its core, a job for me. Not a hobby, not my only or even major interest. A job. And if I had to choose between it and living a life of comfortable leisure, I wouldn't hesitate to spend my days reading and lounging.

That being said, I do really like my job. And feel incredibly grateful to have it. I have days where I wish I didnt have to work. And sometimes I want to backhand patients and staff alike. But most of the time I can see that the office I was hired at is exactly what I needed. It suits my personality. And is absolutely the perfect first job for me. The staff I work with, I generally adore. And overall, the work is good. I'm not so busy that I have dental school flashbacks (because yes, that was the most stressful and worst time ever). But it is challenging. If I finish early on a patient, I get to read my book. And I love finishing early. Its this wonderful mini reward slash confirmation that I'm doing well (despite that my receptionist keeps trying to book me tighter to eliminate such a reward). And I love that I have my Dad to call if I don't know something, or even to just check in with and make sure that he would do what I have decided. Because there are few people that I would ask for help from and it's very convenient that my dad is so knowledgeable.

People told me that I should enjoy my time in school because when I finished I would miss it. And I'm here to say that is a straight up lie. School sucks. I love leaving work and mostly never thinking another thought about it. And I love that my time is my own, to do with as I please. Without the burden of upcoming tests and assignments. Working is awesome. Having a set time that is dedicated to work is awesome. Even thinking about going back to school gives me a little PTSD. There really, besides my friends, is nothing that I miss about being a student. Even the added responsibility of money and banking and insurance is worth not having the hassle and stress of school.

There are downsides to working of course. For instance, the topic of money is a constant strain and stress of my mind. And I often feel out of my depth. People dont tend to sympathize with the fact that even when I am unsure about what to do, I have to pretend I know, because no one wants their licensed professional to be out of their depth. And sometimes people who aren't smart enough to take responsibility for their own mouths, yell at me. And I hate getting yelled at, or when people say mean things to me. It turns out I'm a rather sensitive soul and its hard when people who know very little about dentistry, treat me like I've done something wrong, when they're experiencing a consequence of their poor care of their own teeth, like I made them not brush, or choose to not see a dentist in the last decade or get their teeth extracted.

But I'm happy and content to be a working soul now. Which considering where I was at when I graduated is quite an accomplishment.

Project Day

When I started working, I decided to only work four days a week. I love only working four days a week. My day off usually ends up being the busiest day of my week. Turns out running all my errands, appointments and making dinner results in me being very busy.

But I like it a lot.

And I have a lot of projects that my day off gives me the hope I'll one day be able to accomplish. I love having time to look up recipes and buy ingredients to try different meals. I love being able to work out whenever I want. And I really, really love being able to have time to try out projects. I want to be able to organize my life and do projects.

Just a few of my current projects:

I want to streamline my closet and only have pieces that I love.
I want to make photo books and therefore sort through the 22 000 photos on my computer.

And a day off allows me to do that. I love my day off.

Today, I worked some more on my closet. 

Since I moved, I have pretty exclusively ignored the boxes I moved with. 

But those boxes have been a nagging point in the back of my mind for months.

I dream of a functional and streamlined closet. With only clothes that I love to wear in it. 

So thats the goal. 

I've done an initial purge which at least got my boxes down from four to one, and today I managed to part with a couple more things. But its hard. Its hard keeping in mind how I want to look. And I have a completely ridiculous attachment to my grungy t-shirts, even though, that isnt at all the classic, put together look I'd like to achieve on a daily basis.

So its going to be a process. But I'm excited to at least have organized the clothes that are in my closet currently, even if I still need to cut back on whats there.  

The Car

Since I got back from Hawaii, I'd been borrowing my moms car. Which was convenient and kind of great. Particularly since I was planning on working and making a little money before I took on the venture of paying for a car of my own.

But unfortunately the car kinda exploded on my way back from Edmonton.

And after a four hour tow truck disaster, it became apparent that I couldnt put off finding my own car but would have to start looking much earlier than I'd anticipated.

Car shopping is awkward. Particularly when you have next to no knowledge about cars and really have no idea what kind of car you want. So the first bit of me trying to find a car was pretty pointless.

I went on autotrader.ca but really, I wasnt sure how much I wanted to spend and even when I'd find something that looked nice, I had no way of gauging whether it was actually a good deal or not. I debated about whether I should get a little SUV or a car. Dave told me to come up with a list of features I wanted in my future car, but mostly I felt like that made me too picky. Cause heated seats are nice to have, but they arent necessary and definitely not a deal breaker, when really I just needed something so I could drive myself to work and go on any driving excursions I might want to.

But car shopping made my head hurt. And stressed me out.

But I really couldnt put it off. Nat was pretty much driving me to and from work everyday, which was awesome of her, but a total hassle. 

I thought that maybe a nice, cute little Jeep Compass would be nice, so I went to the Jeep dealership in town. But car shopping is particularly annoying because of the car salesmen. The guy at the Jeep dealership wouldnt show me any used cars cause he was convinced that I should buy a brand new car. "If I was his daughter.. blah blah blah."

But since I'd never even been in a Jeep Compass, I decided I might as well test drive one while I was there. So I test drove a brand new one. And it was beautiful. I brag called Nat and Bri. And then drove it home to show Nat. Katelyn hopped in and suggested to her mom that maybe I could drive her to school in my new car.

But even after the glorious test drive, I still wasnt positive that I should actually get a jeep.

I looked for used models, but finding a deal is hard. Every time I would call after one, it would already be sold, and then I'd have another dealership telling me they'd love to show me some other things.

And I did test drive a couple really nice cars that didnt really have everything I wanted, but would be good to get me around. Not excessive. Just the basics. 

It's hard to be decisive though. 

I set up an appointment in Calgary to look at a couple of little Jeeps and had one car in Lethbridge I was debating.

My parents drove with me to look at the 2007 Jeep Compass and even though there was definitely some sort of engine issue (which my dad thought might be the catalytic converter), it was still a really nice vehicle. And we got the guy selling it down $1000 on the price. But I still felt so nervous about it. I'd never spent so much money on something that was not a sure thing. What if the car sucked? What if the issue to fix it cost me a ton and then the car wasnt that great of a deal?

And there was a safe bet of a car that would be good but not great, waiting in Lethbridge.

But I am nothing if not a bit of a risk taker.

So I went for it.

I was surprised at how quickly things went. We went to AMA Registry to check if the car had any liens out against it. And then went and paid the guy, then went back and got insurance and the registration set up. Once I got into the jeep I just kept saying "I bought a car!"

It felt surreal.

I bought a jeep.

A cute little jeep.

And ya, it had issues (which we totally discovered are still covered under warranty!), but it was my car.

My very own car.

It's issues are still to be worked out, but I already have my first road trip planned for the end of the month. I can't believe I bought a car! 

Coming Together

It didn't happen all at once. As I figured it would, it was a gradual shift; slowly, over time. I look back over the last month and I can hardly believe where I currently stand. Bit by bit I managed to move forward. And while I struggled, it daily became easier as more of my future came together. It was little things but they have added up.


For starters, I have a job offer. My paperwork for my license is submitted. I have the beginnings of a group and great friendships. I'm most likely going to stay in Lethbridge. With Dave and Nat. I know there are some that won't understand why I'd live with my brother and sister in law, but right now I feel like I need it. I need Nat's amazing housekeeping and dedicated exercise habits to rub off on me. I need the support and encouragement. I need the safety. And I really believe that my best progression this year will be with Dave and Nat's daily influence.

I still have moments of panic where I feel unready for any new steps my life might take. But I'm trying to continue forward despite that. And sometimes I feel such excitement for this new life I get to start creating. I have so many new plans and ideas. And when I'm not completely terrified, I can't wait for it all to take place. Because this next year is whatever I choose to make it. And from the plans, it looks pretty spectacular.