Life is Happening

I'm fighting obesity and encouraging everyone else to as well

I went to Utah

I realized just how much I love these little people and living with them.

I went to Hawaii.

I did a photoshoot with my cousin Brittany.

I started working.

I'm loving my new crew

I'm dating this boy.

I'm happy. Really happy with life.

Letters

Dear Dental Contract
You were a terribly long read.
And quite boring.
Full of words I only half understood.
But now that you have been moderately
tweaked, and compromise has been
shown on both sides (and my fathers'
blessing given), I feel good about you.
Yup. I'm gonna sign you.

Dear Reesey-Babe

I love you more every time  you surprise

me with how comfortable you have

become around me. And I cheer the

victory of it all.

Dear Ryder

I'm not sure how you got

such an old soul, but I love 

it. You always surprise me

with the deep, thoughtful 

and occasionally wise things

you say. 

Dear Dental License
See you so soon. Just one
little ethics test stands between
us being together. And that date
is set.


Dear Asylum Speed and Agility Workout
Nat and I killed you this morning.
And I kinda like it when you are dead.

Zucchini Boats

Living with Dave and Nat is awesome. They're hilarious, encouraging, supportive and full of entertainment. And I have loved being around them and their kids so much this summer. I'm excited for the next year being around them. But occasionally I feel like a bum. Because they do kind of take care of me. So I've been trying to be a more supportive member of the household. Well I have all of these pinterest recipes I've been wanting to try. But I like to do things with other people. So its pretty ideal to have Nat. This week we have been in love with zucchini. And the zucchini boats that we made were bombin! And since sharing is caring, I'll pass this forward. You seriously wont regret the taste explosion of this. Plus, it was crazy simple to do.

1 Tbsp Sour Cream
1/4 tsp Salt
1/4 tsp Curry
1/2 Tomato (the boat can get a little soupy when it cooks so you wont need a ton of tomato)
1 tsp thyme (we didnt have thyme so we used oregano)
1 onion
Parmesan Cheese (though you could use any kind I'm sure)
Zucchini
Bacon (we used bacon bits that we crisped up when we cooked the onion)

Directions:
Preheat the oven to 400.
Scrub your zucchini and cut length wise in half.
Scoop out the inside leaving about 1/2 inch on the edges.
Chop the insides of the zucchini. And the tomato and onion.
Sautee the onions in a little bit of butter or oil. When the onions are done, add the 1/4 tsp Curry and cook for another 30 seconds. (It said not to cook longer than that so the curry wouldnt go bitter). We added the bacon bits (Real Bacon Bits, since we decided it was just like cooking real bacon and crumbling it) to the onion to crisp it before adding the curry.
In a bowl, add your cut up zucchini, tomato, onions and bacon. Then add the 1 Tbsp Sour Cream, 1 tsp "Thyme", some pepper and stir it all together.

We used a cookie sheet with parchment paper to cook our boats on. I buttered the parchment paper and then put the boats on and filled them with the zucchini stuffing till they were overflowing. Then I sprinkled cheese over top and ground some pepper over top.

Cook for 20 mins in the preheated oven.

The flavour was seriously ridiculous. So good. We just cut pieces of the boat and filling and ate it all up.

What we learned this week in our zucchini excursions, is that zucchini needs salt. A zucchini that is under salted is good. But properly salted? Delicious. The brilliant thing about the bacon was that it added this wonderful salty flavour to the zucchini. I know that this could be done sans the bacon. And it would have been good. But when you have bacon, why leave it out?

Coming Together

It didn't happen all at once. As I figured it would, it was a gradual shift; slowly, over time. I look back over the last month and I can hardly believe where I currently stand. Bit by bit I managed to move forward. And while I struggled, it daily became easier as more of my future came together. It was little things but they have added up.


For starters, I have a job offer. My paperwork for my license is submitted. I have the beginnings of a group and great friendships. I'm most likely going to stay in Lethbridge. With Dave and Nat. I know there are some that won't understand why I'd live with my brother and sister in law, but right now I feel like I need it. I need Nat's amazing housekeeping and dedicated exercise habits to rub off on me. I need the support and encouragement. I need the safety. And I really believe that my best progression this year will be with Dave and Nat's daily influence.

I still have moments of panic where I feel unready for any new steps my life might take. But I'm trying to continue forward despite that. And sometimes I feel such excitement for this new life I get to start creating. I have so many new plans and ideas. And when I'm not completely terrified, I can't wait for it all to take place. Because this next year is whatever I choose to make it. And from the plans, it looks pretty spectacular.

Things I Like About This Summer So Far

1. The anklet Nicole made for me. Generally I don't wear a ton of jewelry. But I love jewelry that can be put on and stay on. Every time I see it I smile that Nicole (via Matt and Tiff in a graduation present extravaganza) gave me such a wonderful gift. I love it. Wholeheartedly.

2. The inklings of a tan. I've spent so many summers in school. Or working. So the freedom of being able to lazily go outside into the sun is beyond brilliant to me. The sun. Who knew I loved it so much? And of course my legs not being the whitest things I've ever seen helps

3. Sea dooing lazy lake days. On the 2nd my parents, Josh and I met up with the Kays and Jesse. I still feel so shell shocked doing fun things. But it was very fun. Jeff destroyed me on the sea doo ride I went with him. I lost in a spectacular fashion the couple hands of rook I subbed in for. There were Mosquitos aplenty. But the massive bruise on my arm makes me laugh. And the lake had a hot end. And sea doos are so fun. And the Kay's are such gracious and lovely people. And I have missed talking and spending time with Jess. It was wonderful.

4. The meals Dave and I make together. The majority of my time in Alberta has been spent staying with Dave and Nat. And I love how great Dave is at knowing what will taste good. He teases me that I need to trust him because when it comes to food he wouldn't steer me wrong. And after the wonderful food he's thought up, I'm starting to believe him.

5. Natalie is my workout idol. So dedicated. So amazingly in shape. I am going to try to live up to her work out standard. But it's kinda great having someone to look up to.

6. The new spiderman movie. Lame that I loved the acting and awkward teen moments? Maybe. But it was seriously really good. And I love the guy who played Peter Parker.

Unvarnished

Somedays I feel such acute heartbreak I'm not sure how I will ever continue. The feeling usually abates. But in that moment it suffocates. Since arriving home I haven't really done much thinking or planning. I can already tell that I am stagnant. People ask me how it feels to be done, but I know what they really want to hear is how wonderful it all is now, everything suddenly in its rightful place. But the truth of the matter is that it feels like nothing. And if anything, I am less put together than before I graduated. Sure, I guess it seems impressive, and even at times I am amazed that I accomplished such a feat. But mostly it's like waking up on your birthday. It's not really any different from the day before; you never feel older and wiser until you reflect from much further away. And I am still so close. So it's hard to for me view my graduation as something so momentous. It was just another thing in a line of hundreds of things. I know at the heart of the matter is a call for action. Nothing is ever going to feel just right. And I need to just move forward. But I'm afraid of what may be asked of me if I begin moving forward and I'm not sure I'll have the strength to continue if it were to become challenging. I can do hard things but I'm tired of doing hard things. Sometimes I feel such a crushing weight upon me that I struggle to catch my breath. Because despite my accomplishments and inherent skills and abilities, I feel so less than. Like I am missing such a crucial piece that would allow me to function as I know I rightfully should. And it hollows me out. I see all the things my life could have been and was not and I feel small. And less than. I made my choices and chose my path but it doesn't stop the flood of regrets and missed opportunities. I can't change what's already happened. So again, the only place to go is forward. Forward, always forward. But I can't see anything in front of me. My fear has blinded me. The truth of the matter is that I'm twenty five and basically a glorified teenager. My parents are tired. I can tell they have reached their limit. Mostly from all the lectures and yelling. But I don't feel like an adult and I don't know how to do it. And I feel abandoned and that they love me less because I didn't graduate and suddenly jump right into being completely independent and content. And floundering is unacceptable. I guess I didn't realize exactly how dependent on my parents I actually have been. I mean I was always aware of the help and support they gave. Because nothing is given for free. But until the last few weeks and their expressed and implied demands for me to take over some roles that they had previously taken care of, I think I just put it out of mind because I didn't want to deal with it. What a fool I am. My independence is a figment of my imagination. I feel so inadequate in every aspect I don't know I will ever make it through this time. Because I am lost and lonely and no one really understands. And as much as people want to help me, growing up isn't something that they can help me with. And I am pathetic for not being able to handle this moment. So less than. Always less than. I feel like I have let everyone down by not being more the person they expected me to be when I graduated. I'm a mess. And no one wants anything to do with a mess. Graduation has brought to the forefront all my insecurities. Because as a student I could ignore them out of busyness; Up to a certain point anyways. But now, the expectation is that I am finished with the stage of needing help. And I feel like everyone is pressuring me. My happiness and mental health are irrelevant, this much I know. Work. Responsibility. Duty. That is all that matters. And I have serious doubts that I'm up to the challenge. But the only place to go is forward. Forward, always forward.

Graduation Recap - Dental Dad Dinner

I have this thing where I always want the different groups of people I love best to meet and love each other as well. Makes hanging out a lot easier when all my friends just become a mega-group of friends. I never was one for group hopping. Mega-group is where it's at. 

As such I was really excited when my Dad suggested a dinner to meet some of my Boston friends. So excited I uncharacteristically took the initiative and started planning (planning is for fools!) for the night about two months in advanced. I wanted to make sure that we found a time that would work for everyone.

Lucinda likes to tease me sometimes (and if I'm being honest my entire group does as well). About a month before the actual dinner she came to clinic and told me that the Barry's (even though they had already told me they were coming) would not be making it. Apparently, the immediate sadness that overtook my entire face was hysterical. She quickly told me she was just messing with me, having not expected such an immediate reaction of that nature. 

What can I say? I'm a sentimental girl sometimes.

And I knew that graduation was going to be a weird time for us. 

Because as much as we had made it through dental school together, and wanted to celebrate together, the reality is that most of us would be spending most of our time with the family and friends who came from far and wide. 

I wanted to have a solid group shot of some of my favourite people. People that were part of the reason that I made it through my dental school career. Each one of the people who came to this dinner impacted my life. And I will treasure their friendships. It sounds overly dramatic but I just wanted one moment where we could be together. 

Oh... and I wanted them to meet my family.

We went to Fire and Ice and it was awesome. 

I guilted Ben and Jesse (who had been in Palmyra, New York earlier) into arriving in time to come to this dinner. I wanted my friends to meet my brothers. To see how hilarious they are and hopefully shed a little understanding for why I am the way I am sometimes. I just love my brothers and cousin-brothers. 

Ben and Jesse arrived at 7pm - which, cutting it close allowed us to arrive about fifteen minutes late to the dinner (which my friends laughed and commented on the mormon standard time of it all - family ruining my rep for being prompt and on time :)

Too be fair, Ben and Jesse desperately needed to shower. 

Lindsay made me a freaking crazy ton of candy necklaces for myself and my friends, which I more than happily distributed out. They thought it was pretty awesome and couldn't believe all the work that went into them. And it was a fun little thing.

Alisun and The Barry's

Sabrina and Aaron

Derrick and Mel

John and Tamsen

The Brothers

Dee and Myself

The food at fire and ice was pretty great. Of course I was no Dee. She had this masterful way of combining meat, vegetables and sauce into the most delicious thing ever. I actually had to have her walk me through it cause I couldn't replicate the mastery she used. And it was great because everyone got to eat as much as they wanted and whatever they wanted.

And for those hungry boys, it was perfection. 

This was my family in Boston. 

And I already miss them dearly, in particular Dee, Lucinda and Alisun.

But I'm so happy for all the wonderful memories we have - and the more yet to be made!

My favourite moment happened at the end of the night. It was just Dee, Lucinda and Dan and my family outside chatting. And for once in my life I wasn't the token Canadian. There was some serious American mocking and it felt pretty great to be on the other side! Especially since for the last four years I was always outnumbered. 

I just like us. I really do.

Today

For the first time since graduating I slept in. It wasn't the unsound and ill sleep of the overly travelled. It was a pre-stress-and-responsibilty kind of sleep. I woke up and stayed in my pyjamas all day. It felt like that kind of day. I laid in my parents guest bedroom for hours just knowing that for the first time in a long time I didn't have anything that needed to be done. There was no obligations. And I let that feeling settle into me. I climbed out the window and sat on the roof. Climbed in the window and watched youtube videos. And read books. I liked the quiet. And the solitude.
I have a lot of life planning to do. And a lot of thinking and contemplating. Things I would rather not do.
I've been to Cold Lake probably two or three times every year since my parents moved up here. But I usually only go from their house to the dental office and then away again. As ridiculous as it sounds, what I like best about being here right now is that I can be alone. Being secluded with a father who works all day makes that easy. Without the guilt of knowing I should make an effort to spend time with people who love me and would want my attention.
I decided to explore my parents' neighbourhood today since I've never really done that and I do plan to start actually exercising again at some point and a walk sounded nice. Its mostly made of cul-de-sacs. But it is only a block away from what appears to be some sort of trailer campground and what I can only assume is Cold Lake - the large lake the town is named for.
I walked every street in their neighbourhood which took me around an hour, considering all the dead ends and back tracking and re-tracking that occurred. And as I walked, I thought about the constant connectedness of my life. Dental school Melissa has always had a computer or phone at her hands.
I was never the type to be in constant communication. Don't get me wrong. I love instagram and a myriad of other ultimate time wasting applications that come with having a cell phone and the ability to be in constant communication. Its easy to get caught up in always being connected. But I actually held out on getting a cell phone for many years because I loved the freedom of not having one so much. I only got a cell phone my last year of University. There was just something nice about knowing that if people wanted to contact me they had to put in a little effort to track me down. And if I was out, then that was that. I used to actually know people's phone numbers. I enjoy a little quiet and not feeling the need to check my phone thousands of times each day.
I feel so strange in this life of mine. And I'm not sure what to do. Most of the time I just want to be left alone with my books and journals and thoughts. I want to run away. I want to stay exactly where I am. But mostly, I want to feel like I'm not a lost little girl.
But life isn't a wish-granting factory. That much I know.
It's lucky, I suppose that its going to take a bit of time to get a Canadian dental license. And I'm sure my parents are praying that in the meantime I pull myself together. But I'm not so sure I have it in me to patch myself together one more time, when I feel like the last four years has been a marathon of patching.
As I walked around in the beautiful sunny weather, I thought that maybe I'll take a break from cell phones and constant connectedness. A Canadian cell phone feels so permanent right now and I am anything but ready for anything permanent. It might do me some good to be trapped with my thoughts alone and forced to deal with some things. Yes, I think a break would do me some good.

I'm Here. I'm There. I'm Everywhere.

Super happy that my Dad and I got a chance to catch up with these two while

we're on our little jaunt to Van City. #perkofbeinganomad

This Happened.

I graduated.

Its still so weird to me.

I'm no longer a student.

No matter how many times I say that, it doesn't stop feeling surreal.

I'm not gonna lie, I could have done without convocation.

It was crazy boring, and by the time they called my name (and pronounced Lowry wrong no less), I was over it. I wanted that diploma in hand and to get the hell out of there.

It was torture listening to the final names and the final speeches.

Graduation has been strange.

First off, there wasn't really a goodbye of sorts between my friends and I. No sort of finality. We all just kind of left without a word. One minute we're together and now we're not.

Which I suppose is the only way it could be. 

But its weird.

Second, I had a lot of people come to support me. 

They helped me pack (which was disastrous) and helped me celebrate and explore Boston one last time.

 This picture is awesome because we ordered ourselves in amount of education we have received. 

Poor little Joshie.

It was really nice of everyone to come though.

Ben and Jesse drove across the country to come.

Julie came from Virginia.

My Aunt Shelly came from Louisiana. 

My Uncle Todd and Tyson came from Western Mass.

My parents and Josh flew.

It was nice having people there. 

I'm graduated.

I'm not sure it'll ever feel normal.