Vacation Recap Pictures Speak A Thousand Comforts

One night, while I was at home I threw myself a party for one. A pity party that is. I love being home, I really do, but its also really hard for me to be there. Because my life in Alberta is pure fiction. I dont really exist there anymore. And its hard being in a place, and remembering what its like to exist, only to have reality come crashing back down and tap ever so subtly on your shoulder and remind you that in fact, you dont belong there anymore. Add to that my niece yelling at me (things I used to yell at adults when I was her age) and no one seeming to care about spending time with me, even though I would be leaving shortly, and spending most of the day waiting for cousins who'd said they would come hang out and then never showed up and I was wondering yet again, why I ever go back to Alberta when it has the ability to make me so sad. While I was throwing this pity party, I decided to look through some old family photo albums. Somehow these small reminders of the past always make me feel better. I dont know why, but I was under the impression that there werent any photos from my childhood. Which is silly, because I remember my parents taking pictures - I guess I just assumed the pictures had been lost. These photos brought me back to sanity. And with them ended my party for one. I didnt copy all of my favorites to my computer but these are a few I knew I couldnt leave home without.

Me and baby Josh. I love how tiny he is. And I love my hair. I forgot how much I loved my mushroom cut. I might be debating doing an adult version of this little ditty.

This is me on one of my first days of Kindergarten. Yes I have a black eye. And yes, Matt is sitting next to me in my class. I dont remember ever having seen this picture before. But I love it. 

Look closely. I'm wearing a unicorn shirt. A UNICORN shirt for heaven's sake. How completely awesome is that. I love how young we (Angie, Me, Candi, Amelia and Lindsay) look. 

I wish I had copied a different photo of Matt and I (there's one that I didnt even remember having seen before of us playing a gameboy together in the car) - but this one is pretty great. We were in Fairmont back when our family used to rent seadoos. We lived in our sleeveless wet suits back then. And Matt hated going into the water. Exploring around the edges and discovering rusty chains or critters was always acceptable tho. 

I love photos. I love how they can transport you back.  They represent a link to days long since past. And its comforting to know that there is physical proof of the person I used to be. Proof that I existed.

Vacation Recap Large Lowry Family Gathering

Good gracious I love my family. Sure, there are time when I'm annoyed with how ridiculous everyone is. But its an endearing kind of annoyance. So to say I was excited for the week long "family reunion" (which really happens every year but this year had an official itinerary) would be an understatement. The family gatherings used to be too much for me as a child. They were loud, crowded and I had a thing about eating food I didnt know where the hands who made it had been. I mean I still get annoyed and overwhelmed at times. But the family, MY family, really are wonderful - even if we're all stupidly stubborn.

A few of my favorite parts of the Sunday family dinner?
- Aunt Margaret. Freak. She's so quick witted and so quiet about it. You only catch how completely brilliant she is if you're sitting really close. And paying attention. She's always been my favorite person to hover around during family gatherings. I just love her commentary.
- Reading parties. Did I start the first Artemis Fowl book on Sunday? Yes. Did I end the night finishing the book and having it read out loud to a big group of us cousins? Yes. Its just my favorite. We may be reading, but we're also together.

There's Only One.

This is what I have to look at every time I go to my fridge.

And I grind my teeth and contemplate throwing it away.

EVERY.SINGLE.TIME

I hate so much about this saying. Its offensive to me. It goes against everything that I've learned as I've matured and progressed. Instead of celebrating the out of the ordinary that makes each of us remarkable, it makes them insignificant. You're unique - JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. What a horrible little catch phrase. It really means that your differences between the next person mean nothing. Therefore everything that makes you YOU means nothing. Therefore you mean nothing. Just another faceless person in a crowd. It calls for you to treat one person interchangeably with the next, because individual people dont matter. I dont know who in their right mind thought this was inspirational. How depressing. It brings back the feelings of Junior high, when everyone wants to disguise their differences to blend in. Because standing in a crowd and being invisible is easier than standing in a spot light (tho I do concede that the spot light has its full share of obstacles - but FYI worth it). But the older I've gotten the more I appreciate that not everyone is the same. I believe so much in being an individual and this phrase puts to shame everything that individuality stands for. Since when has being the exact carbon copy replica of someone else ever been a good thing? Since when do you categorize someone's uniqueness into the "different" category and call it the same as someone else's? People should be valued for their distinctiveness - not stamped with a "UNIQUE" stamp and put in a row behind all the other "unique" people. 


I've had this exact phrase used on me; to tell me I'm not special, I dont matter, and that when it comes right down to it, I'm completely and utterly replaceable (and for that person I was all of those things). This phrase turns something that should be treasured (our being one of a kind), into just another run of the mill thing. "Oh there's an individual, oh and another one. Weird how all the individuals look the same." I hate it. I think it fosters exactly the wrong mentality about people. Individuals matters. One person isnt just like another person; no matter their similarities. And each person offers something new and fresh to the world. We need differences between people - because there are different roles that need to be fulfilled. The most admired individuals in history (Albert Einstein, Gandhi, Florence Nightingale - just to name a few) are admired because they stood out, and gave the world something that no one else could offer. Their individuality lead to new ideas, new inventions, new ways of thinking. Imagine if they had decided that sure, they were different, but their differences were unimportant; would they have contributed what they did if they thought that their contributions were irrelevant? I would never dare to say that each of my brothers is the exact same person - and thats what this saying does. Except on a much wider scale. It takes the emphasis off people and I'll say it again - People matter. Sure not every single person will matter to you personally, but each person in their own right matters. Its the whole point of individual rights. 


I admit, sometimes I forget this or am arrogant about my own one-of-a-kind-ness. And I realize that's the wrong attitude to have.  "your uniqueness (doesnt) exempt you from emotional and social responsibility". I dont get to do whatever the hell I want just because I'm an Individual. I mean I could, but it'd be pretty darn selfish and possibly infringe on the individual rights of someone else. Because my individuality (no matter how much it may mean to me) isnt more important than someone else's. Sure, everyone is unique. But that doesnt make them (individually) any less important. Nor does it give me the right to treat them as such.


So no, I dont think you're unique, just like everyone else. You're unique, like no one else.    

Vacation Recap The Cathy Days

I had like one twenty four hour period to see Cathy during my break.

She was off galvanting in Europe during the first week I was home (poor child), and then had to work the coming Monday. So Friday and Saturday were the only days she'd be anywhere in the vicinity. 

And of course there is no Cathy without Trent. Which is pretty acceptable since I've always been Team Trent.

- They came to visit me in Lethbridge and I got my Europe present

- We went to a BBQ out in Magrath hanging out with the cousin posse

- We decided to go back to my house and bake a cake and two pies

A word about these desserts. Everything that went into making them tasted delicious.

I would know because I sampled the goods the entire time I was making it. But the pies turned out weird when a few days later I finally got around to trying them. The cake was good. But the pies were SUPER weird. My brothers/cousins could not stop complaining about how awful the pies had turned out and how someone more experienced and just plain better (*cough Brandon*) should have made them. Geez. Get off my back. I dont know why the pies set weird. The fillings tasted good before they set. Maybe we did something wrong. Please stop complaining.

It was fun making them with Trent anyways. Very domestic of us.

- Cathy, Trent and I had a sleep over so we could go to Waterton the next morning

- We hung out with some of Cathy's family friends and Cathy fashion showed all her trendy Europe buys

- We got Big Scoop ice cream (which I love that you can split a single scoop and its like getting two scoops but only paying for one)

- I convinced Cathy and Trent to come cliff jumping with the cousin posse

- I intimidated one of my little cousins into jumping off the cliff for the first time

- Then I said good bye to Cathy and Trent and squeezed into an already overfilled car so I could go to Magrath Days fireworks (I love Cathy and Trent but they're very much married people hanging out these days and well, thats fine for an afternoon but I miss single people and those kind of shenanigans).

- Cathy and Trent tried to stop by Sunday but I'd already left for the big Lowry family dinner we were having, tho the cake Trent and I had made was suspiciously missing on my return to my home.

I'm glad I at least got to see Cathy. Even if it was just a short visit.

Vacation Recap Week One.

So many things happened while I was at home. Sure, it was a short visit. But when you only have two weeks of vacation time you wanna make the most of it. 


- I started off my vacation by surprising my father and coming to Cold Lake. He wanted me to come stay with him for the first week and hang out in the new house but being the obstinate child that I am, I remained indifferent to his enticements. Opting instead to give no such answer and instead please him in person. My mother and I took a little extended adventure route to get to the house (translate: we tried a route that lead us to a gravel road, which then lead us to the military base, which of course was a dead end, which we couldnt of predicted since we were GPSless). The Cold Lake House and my time there roughly translated to me hanging out by myself all day reading and watching movies. I got the house set-up just how I wanted it - air mattress in the main level living room with tv, popcorn with ketchup seasoning and plenty of pillows and blankets. If it was sunny and hot outside, I'd drag my air mattress - with plastic garbage bags underneath - to the backyard and read out in the sun. Or bike the 8K to the office if I needed some air. Cold Lake is one of those ridiculous places that rains every night. But it was a nice little respite for me. I could lounge about and not have to worry about pleasing a soul or living up to anyone's expectations. My vacation was my own. I woke up when I wanted to (oddly enough that happened to actually be in the am), went to sleep when I wanted to (which was before midnight - another un-me-like phenomenon) and there was someone willing to make me food at night (my lovely mother and father innately seemed to understand my need to be taken care of). Sometimes doing nothing at all is bliss.


- With all my free time, and Cold Lake's proximity to Lloydminster, I decided to take the opportunity to visit Royall. Royall, my dear friend, has one of those lives that has worked out exactly as I pictured my life would work out, but did not. Married to a great guy, education completed, beautiful house and an adorable baby. And every time I talk to Royall, or spend time with Royall, I am immediately grateful for her friendship. Our lives may be completely different, but I never tire of the genuine affection we share. Royall and I lived together for just one year when we were eighteen. But she is one of my truest friends.

For Me.

I’m not someone who is often left without words. I may not always be willing to talk your ear off (especially if I am internalizing things or you are someone not to be trusted, which is more often the case than not), but given a little time and some spite (because I seem to be repeating my teenage angst years), I can turn a phrase. Weaving words into some sense of meaning has always brought me a sense of accomplishment. Not in the sense that there is any real skill displayed, but more so in the sense that when I’m able to describe the inner workings and complexities of the situation at hand, I put down my pen and heave a sigh. Because putting to words my feelings is always complex. Because as self-reflective as I am, my general nature hates being told what I’m feeling and thinking. Chances are, if I’m being told I’m “like this” or “like that” I will immediately feel misunderstood. Descriptions fall flat and are always inadequate. Because the intricacies of my personality (and I would dare to broaden that to encompass most people) are not understood by me, so how could someone else know what I think and how I’ll react? I would “rather be hated than loved for what I’m not”. Overdramatic? Yes. True? Yes.

I place such a value on words, so lately, my feeling of having no words has been unsettling. My blog has been left untouched, my journal forgotten and even my little computer entries have disappeared. I’m floundering. And anyone who looked closely at me and knew me would be able to see that. I feel lost like any fourteen year old is lost. I have forgotten who I am, what is important to me. Life is full of complicated mysteries which I neither have the patience or the fortitude to solve. I would love to believe that I have a some stoic nature, full of perseverance and inner strength. But instead I feel worn down by life. I want to work through it (when I’m not throwing a perfect pity party) but I’m not sure exactly which direction to go. I crave something that I cant quite put my finger on. And my weakness infuriates me to no end. Because I seem to be replaying all the past insecurities I would have sworn had been conquered long ago. But my personal journey in Boston (while cheered by my parents and told its impressive by strangers) doesn’t feel anything more than that of survival. Its not impressive and its certainly nothing to be proud of. Things I once knew with all my heart, seem less sure in this new light. I remember feeling secure once, but I cant seem to genuinely recreate those feelings again. I cant remember how they were created in the first place anymore or if they ever really existed. And I waver between hating home and all the unrealized hopes and dreams it once encompassed, and wanting nothing more than to crawl back to Alberta with my tail between my legs and shame written across my brow. But it always comes back to my stubborn nature. I may be many things but something as impractical as running away would never do for me no matter how tempting.

So I am left in limbo. I want to have words – but every word that comes to mind is dripping with inadequacy. It seems that people only share when they’re coming down from the mountain of adversity, when the climb is now a  treasured memory of overcoming and the personal growth received from it. But what about the climb? No one wants to hear about while you’re cursing and not treasuring that damn climb. And well, optimism has never been my strong suit.

While I was at home one of my cousins discovered that I blog and was immediately very critical of it. He couldn’t see the point in it (its little more than first hand gossip so he tells me). And as I tried to explain the value of a web forum such as this I realized that, while I appreciate being able to read about loved ones that are far away, and people I admire from afar, I like blogging because it gives me a place to keep track of my thoughts. Ya, there are journals and more private means of thought tracking. But why must we be ashamed of letting people in, even if its just for a moment. By no means do I have any vain illusion about my thoughts having much meaning to anyone but myself. But sometimes its just nice to be able to put them out there, even if no one really cares. The act of sharing is the important part, not who decides to read it. I love the thought of honesty, but dread the intimacy of it. But I see the value in the process of being able to record and remember. It really is not for anyone but myself.

I feel the need for change (then again, don’t I always?). And I want my blog to be MY own. Because what good is it to only write a censored version of events. That’s not reality and it certainly is not me. 

I'm On Holiday - Unofficially

My brain has checked out. Studying? Psh. Who studies? Actually its probably a terrible thing that I already feel like I'm vacation. Because I most certainly still have two exams. Brain - please come back. I kinda need you.

Lucinda invited me to head out to Marblehead to Katy B's house. The plan was to hang out possibly at a beach and study. But her house happens to be right on the ocean. So we decided to just head off in the "Whaler" to Manchester, up the coast line, to have lunch.

Have I ever mentioned that water makes me supremely happy? Just being out on the water - with the sun shining down and the wind whipping at my face. It was glorious. I love to dance my finger tips along the water as we speed our way through. Why do I continuously forget how much I love water?

After lunch we made our way to a little bay where we dropped the anchor and busted out our notes. No wonder Katy B. is such a good student. It was actually pretty great. We mostly did practice questions. And laid in the boat. We jumped in the water - to "cool down". Which for me wasnt particularly necessary since I was a little on the almost not warm side of things with the ocean breeze. But since the water barely came up to my hips it was actually kinda nice. And it definitely was no glacier water!

There was the cutest little bunch of children in tiny sail boats learning to sail. Well mostly they were getting towed back in. But their boats were adorable. I want to do things like that. Learn to sail, or windsurf. Maybe someday... I left thinking I didnt get any sun. Cinda was burnt to a crisp before we got off the water but I was looking a particularly white shade of white. But upon arriving home I discovered I was a little hot in the face and had a mean sunglass tan. Looks like I got more sun than I thought.

Face So Numb Right Now

Today was the infamous "injection day"... where all us future clinic students actually get a syringe and needle in hand and do a little poking. Saying I was nervous would be a total understatement. Cause I dont think I've ever had a needle before and I've most definitely never given one. Add to that the fact that Dr. McManama was the clinical instructor assigned to my bay (McManama is freaking legend and the dental trinity goes G.V. Black the father of modern dentistry, McManama and Jesus). Plus I went first! But all in all it was great. Giving it was pretty nerve wracking but McManama was there to hold my hand and Brad did a fine job inflating my ego after the fact.

And now that I've definitely had shots I have a few things to mention:
1. Needles really arent that bad. Our group went sans the topical - and even without it, the needle stick was uncomfortable for like a second and then it was over. Not a big deal at all.

2. Having a numb face is freaking the WEIRDEST feeling in the world. For real. My chin feels like its not my chin. And dont even get me started about biting down on my teeth. SO WEIRD.

3. I cant get over how my face continues to get MORE numb. Every minute that passes it gets more numb. Its crazy. I seriously cant get over how weird it feels. The numbness just settles right in.
4. I am now "officially" (once I get the go ahead) ready to see patients. Now THAT is crazy. And exciting. And nerve wracking.

So happy birthday me. 

Softball

I've just arrived home from another softball game - our second of this week. Its probably the last game of the season that I'll be able to make it to since the next games are while I'm on holiday. And I've been so pleasantly surprised with softball - especially since I was pretty anxious about playing. Yesterday was my favorite game of the season. Not cause I did anything great (tho I did hit the ball every time at bat and scored a run) but just because it was fun, we played well and the other team was super nice. It was the perfect end to a day spent studying until I wanted to stab my eyes out. I dont tend to get too competitive which is why this has been great - sure we're 5-1 (which lets be real is pretty great - cause who doesnt love winning) but even when we're losing or making mistakes, people dont get overly intense and its still a very camaraderie feel. Plus, we convinced Dr. Dan-the-man-Moran (one of our pre-clin instructors) to come play on our team. There's just something great about hanging out in a non-school related fashion. Next year I will have no hesitation to sign up for softball.

~AMERICA DAY~

Things that have gone down in the last week.

Nails with the girls - Check. It was a pretty fun study present... Of course the second I left the place I had already wrecked them... Whatever tho... that foot rub was worth it. 

Three really hard exams - check. For real... hardest freaking exams ever... maybe its cause I'm tired of studying... Actually its probably that... but they were just sucky exams... :( Oh well. I probably didnt fail... Turns out... C's still get degrees... even in dental school :(

Studying multiple hours - check. And then some.

Losing our first softball game - sad check. (Coincidentally we lost to a bunch of jerks... one of them slid and nailed one of the girls on our team and then walked away without so much as a mumbled apology and proceeded to talk smack with his team... this is a "just for fun" league. He and his team were a bit much)

Studying at the beach - check check (and by studying I mean... flipping through a couple flash cards and quizzing people for like ten minutes... the other five hours were spent playing... whoops.)

Moving my membership to LP (aka the old people) ward - check. Technically I should be in UW for another year... but they now meet even further away and still at the same wretched 2pm... Of course I could have done it... but especially when I'm doing the group study - 2pm church puts a kink in things... Its probably just easier this way to have my membership in the ward I end up going to the most... And yes... that is me rationalizing my decision. 

America Day - Yup... I call it america day... and all my american friends think I'm completely ridiculous. But I like it... calling it america day... not the day in particular... I'm kinda indifferent towards the day. Hanging out tho... that I'm not indifferent towards.

Aaron and Sabrina had a bunch of us over for a BBQ

We had shrimp kabobs

And veggie kabobs

Whitney and Lucinda were very patriotic with their outfits.

We headed to the Charles for fireworks. We thought we were gonna be late... turns out the fireworks started an hour after we thought.

Apparently America Day is pretty popular or something.

We wanted to sit on the ground cause we were tired of standing and waiting. Whitney had to stand tho because of her white skirt.

HAPPY AMERICA DAY!