Pumpkin Carving

One of Ness's married friends invited her to come carve pumpkins and she invited me to come along. We didnt bring a pumpkin so it was lucky someone brought extras.

I had doubts about how it would turn out. Particularly when Jon started suggesting we should peel stripes into the pumpkin. But it actually turned out.

Sure, it was a druggie pumpkin. But it was actually really fun. And its been too long since I've carved a pumpkin.

 I love the fun things the crew does.

And I loved our pumpkin.

The Crew Halloween

For Halloween, Ness and her roommates decided to be the Spice Girls. And because I have insane hair, I got nominated to be their scary spice. 

I decided to do my hair in really tight curls to try to amp up my hair.

I kinda forgot, that the last time I tried this I had much shorter hair. I got about halfway through and was seriously exhausted. Ness had to come and help me finish. It took ages.

I love Halloween and I absolutely can't just put in any mild effort to a costume. A little bit, it was disappointing because I felt like I went crazy hardcore and the rest in the group kinda just looked normal. And they kept suggesting I do even more ridiculous things... like the "horns" for my hair. But as long as we stayed together, we at least mostly looked pretty legit. So that was a little disappointing cause I felt like I looked crazy. And a little gross. 

I felt gross. Super gross.

Then again, I was making crazy faces, so that probably didnt help. Neither did the face paint I covered myself with.

But it was fun to be part of a group. We went costume shopping together, and got ready together. I really like being a part of the crew. Even though it wasnt my favourite costume, dressing up is still fun and even though a little bit I hated how insane I looked, I love seeing the pictures of it. Well, now that I'm freed from how hideous brown face paint is.

The dance we went to was kinda lame. 

And when Brian showed up, he was HORRIFIED by how I looked.

I had sent him pictures but seeing it live in color was apparently a completely different thing.

He thought I looked so weird. He didnt want to get any face paint on him. He was totally off-put.

And insisted that a shower happen immediately. Which since I felt kinda gross, I wasnt opposed to.

Still, crew activities are kinda my favorite. And my Halloween hardcoreness shows that I have great follow through.

Just another Preview

My costume is all but complete. Just need a few finishing touches.

Any guesses as to what I'm doing this year?

Man I love Halloween.

I'm so excited for this next round.

Which is surprising because I hadn't had time to give Halloween a second thought until this last week.

But as always, the joys of figuring out a costume are many.

I'll give a few hints.

1. I used to be popular in the nineties

2. I'm part of a group

3. You'll know me from my roar

The Car

Since I got back from Hawaii, I'd been borrowing my moms car. Which was convenient and kind of great. Particularly since I was planning on working and making a little money before I took on the venture of paying for a car of my own.

But unfortunately the car kinda exploded on my way back from Edmonton.

And after a four hour tow truck disaster, it became apparent that I couldnt put off finding my own car but would have to start looking much earlier than I'd anticipated.

Car shopping is awkward. Particularly when you have next to no knowledge about cars and really have no idea what kind of car you want. So the first bit of me trying to find a car was pretty pointless.

I went on autotrader.ca but really, I wasnt sure how much I wanted to spend and even when I'd find something that looked nice, I had no way of gauging whether it was actually a good deal or not. I debated about whether I should get a little SUV or a car. Dave told me to come up with a list of features I wanted in my future car, but mostly I felt like that made me too picky. Cause heated seats are nice to have, but they arent necessary and definitely not a deal breaker, when really I just needed something so I could drive myself to work and go on any driving excursions I might want to.

But car shopping made my head hurt. And stressed me out.

But I really couldnt put it off. Nat was pretty much driving me to and from work everyday, which was awesome of her, but a total hassle. 

I thought that maybe a nice, cute little Jeep Compass would be nice, so I went to the Jeep dealership in town. But car shopping is particularly annoying because of the car salesmen. The guy at the Jeep dealership wouldnt show me any used cars cause he was convinced that I should buy a brand new car. "If I was his daughter.. blah blah blah."

But since I'd never even been in a Jeep Compass, I decided I might as well test drive one while I was there. So I test drove a brand new one. And it was beautiful. I brag called Nat and Bri. And then drove it home to show Nat. Katelyn hopped in and suggested to her mom that maybe I could drive her to school in my new car.

But even after the glorious test drive, I still wasnt positive that I should actually get a jeep.

I looked for used models, but finding a deal is hard. Every time I would call after one, it would already be sold, and then I'd have another dealership telling me they'd love to show me some other things.

And I did test drive a couple really nice cars that didnt really have everything I wanted, but would be good to get me around. Not excessive. Just the basics. 

It's hard to be decisive though. 

I set up an appointment in Calgary to look at a couple of little Jeeps and had one car in Lethbridge I was debating.

My parents drove with me to look at the 2007 Jeep Compass and even though there was definitely some sort of engine issue (which my dad thought might be the catalytic converter), it was still a really nice vehicle. And we got the guy selling it down $1000 on the price. But I still felt so nervous about it. I'd never spent so much money on something that was not a sure thing. What if the car sucked? What if the issue to fix it cost me a ton and then the car wasnt that great of a deal?

And there was a safe bet of a car that would be good but not great, waiting in Lethbridge.

But I am nothing if not a bit of a risk taker.

So I went for it.

I was surprised at how quickly things went. We went to AMA Registry to check if the car had any liens out against it. And then went and paid the guy, then went back and got insurance and the registration set up. Once I got into the jeep I just kept saying "I bought a car!"

It felt surreal.

I bought a jeep.

A cute little jeep.

And ya, it had issues (which we totally discovered are still covered under warranty!), but it was my car.

My very own car.

It's issues are still to be worked out, but I already have my first road trip planned for the end of the month. I can't believe I bought a car! 

Life is Happening

I'm fighting obesity and encouraging everyone else to as well

I went to Utah

I realized just how much I love these little people and living with them.

I went to Hawaii.

I did a photoshoot with my cousin Brittany.

I started working.

I'm loving my new crew

I'm dating this boy.

I'm happy. Really happy with life.

Letters

Dear Dental Contract
You were a terribly long read.
And quite boring.
Full of words I only half understood.
But now that you have been moderately
tweaked, and compromise has been
shown on both sides (and my fathers'
blessing given), I feel good about you.
Yup. I'm gonna sign you.

Dear Reesey-Babe

I love you more every time  you surprise

me with how comfortable you have

become around me. And I cheer the

victory of it all.

Dear Ryder

I'm not sure how you got

such an old soul, but I love 

it. You always surprise me

with the deep, thoughtful 

and occasionally wise things

you say. 

Dear Dental License
See you so soon. Just one
little ethics test stands between
us being together. And that date
is set.


Dear Asylum Speed and Agility Workout
Nat and I killed you this morning.
And I kinda like it when you are dead.

Zucchini Boats

Living with Dave and Nat is awesome. They're hilarious, encouraging, supportive and full of entertainment. And I have loved being around them and their kids so much this summer. I'm excited for the next year being around them. But occasionally I feel like a bum. Because they do kind of take care of me. So I've been trying to be a more supportive member of the household. Well I have all of these pinterest recipes I've been wanting to try. But I like to do things with other people. So its pretty ideal to have Nat. This week we have been in love with zucchini. And the zucchini boats that we made were bombin! And since sharing is caring, I'll pass this forward. You seriously wont regret the taste explosion of this. Plus, it was crazy simple to do.

1 Tbsp Sour Cream
1/4 tsp Salt
1/4 tsp Curry
1/2 Tomato (the boat can get a little soupy when it cooks so you wont need a ton of tomato)
1 tsp thyme (we didnt have thyme so we used oregano)
1 onion
Parmesan Cheese (though you could use any kind I'm sure)
Zucchini
Bacon (we used bacon bits that we crisped up when we cooked the onion)

Directions:
Preheat the oven to 400.
Scrub your zucchini and cut length wise in half.
Scoop out the inside leaving about 1/2 inch on the edges.
Chop the insides of the zucchini. And the tomato and onion.
Sautee the onions in a little bit of butter or oil. When the onions are done, add the 1/4 tsp Curry and cook for another 30 seconds. (It said not to cook longer than that so the curry wouldnt go bitter). We added the bacon bits (Real Bacon Bits, since we decided it was just like cooking real bacon and crumbling it) to the onion to crisp it before adding the curry.
In a bowl, add your cut up zucchini, tomato, onions and bacon. Then add the 1 Tbsp Sour Cream, 1 tsp "Thyme", some pepper and stir it all together.

We used a cookie sheet with parchment paper to cook our boats on. I buttered the parchment paper and then put the boats on and filled them with the zucchini stuffing till they were overflowing. Then I sprinkled cheese over top and ground some pepper over top.

Cook for 20 mins in the preheated oven.

The flavour was seriously ridiculous. So good. We just cut pieces of the boat and filling and ate it all up.

What we learned this week in our zucchini excursions, is that zucchini needs salt. A zucchini that is under salted is good. But properly salted? Delicious. The brilliant thing about the bacon was that it added this wonderful salty flavour to the zucchini. I know that this could be done sans the bacon. And it would have been good. But when you have bacon, why leave it out?

Coming Together

It didn't happen all at once. As I figured it would, it was a gradual shift; slowly, over time. I look back over the last month and I can hardly believe where I currently stand. Bit by bit I managed to move forward. And while I struggled, it daily became easier as more of my future came together. It was little things but they have added up.


For starters, I have a job offer. My paperwork for my license is submitted. I have the beginnings of a group and great friendships. I'm most likely going to stay in Lethbridge. With Dave and Nat. I know there are some that won't understand why I'd live with my brother and sister in law, but right now I feel like I need it. I need Nat's amazing housekeeping and dedicated exercise habits to rub off on me. I need the support and encouragement. I need the safety. And I really believe that my best progression this year will be with Dave and Nat's daily influence.

I still have moments of panic where I feel unready for any new steps my life might take. But I'm trying to continue forward despite that. And sometimes I feel such excitement for this new life I get to start creating. I have so many new plans and ideas. And when I'm not completely terrified, I can't wait for it all to take place. Because this next year is whatever I choose to make it. And from the plans, it looks pretty spectacular.

Things I Like About This Summer So Far

1. The anklet Nicole made for me. Generally I don't wear a ton of jewelry. But I love jewelry that can be put on and stay on. Every time I see it I smile that Nicole (via Matt and Tiff in a graduation present extravaganza) gave me such a wonderful gift. I love it. Wholeheartedly.

2. The inklings of a tan. I've spent so many summers in school. Or working. So the freedom of being able to lazily go outside into the sun is beyond brilliant to me. The sun. Who knew I loved it so much? And of course my legs not being the whitest things I've ever seen helps

3. Sea dooing lazy lake days. On the 2nd my parents, Josh and I met up with the Kays and Jesse. I still feel so shell shocked doing fun things. But it was very fun. Jeff destroyed me on the sea doo ride I went with him. I lost in a spectacular fashion the couple hands of rook I subbed in for. There were Mosquitos aplenty. But the massive bruise on my arm makes me laugh. And the lake had a hot end. And sea doos are so fun. And the Kay's are such gracious and lovely people. And I have missed talking and spending time with Jess. It was wonderful.

4. The meals Dave and I make together. The majority of my time in Alberta has been spent staying with Dave and Nat. And I love how great Dave is at knowing what will taste good. He teases me that I need to trust him because when it comes to food he wouldn't steer me wrong. And after the wonderful food he's thought up, I'm starting to believe him.

5. Natalie is my workout idol. So dedicated. So amazingly in shape. I am going to try to live up to her work out standard. But it's kinda great having someone to look up to.

6. The new spiderman movie. Lame that I loved the acting and awkward teen moments? Maybe. But it was seriously really good. And I love the guy who played Peter Parker.

Unvarnished

Somedays I feel such acute heartbreak I'm not sure how I will ever continue. The feeling usually abates. But in that moment it suffocates. Since arriving home I haven't really done much thinking or planning. I can already tell that I am stagnant. People ask me how it feels to be done, but I know what they really want to hear is how wonderful it all is now, everything suddenly in its rightful place. But the truth of the matter is that it feels like nothing. And if anything, I am less put together than before I graduated. Sure, I guess it seems impressive, and even at times I am amazed that I accomplished such a feat. But mostly it's like waking up on your birthday. It's not really any different from the day before; you never feel older and wiser until you reflect from much further away. And I am still so close. So it's hard to for me view my graduation as something so momentous. It was just another thing in a line of hundreds of things. I know at the heart of the matter is a call for action. Nothing is ever going to feel just right. And I need to just move forward. But I'm afraid of what may be asked of me if I begin moving forward and I'm not sure I'll have the strength to continue if it were to become challenging. I can do hard things but I'm tired of doing hard things. Sometimes I feel such a crushing weight upon me that I struggle to catch my breath. Because despite my accomplishments and inherent skills and abilities, I feel so less than. Like I am missing such a crucial piece that would allow me to function as I know I rightfully should. And it hollows me out. I see all the things my life could have been and was not and I feel small. And less than. I made my choices and chose my path but it doesn't stop the flood of regrets and missed opportunities. I can't change what's already happened. So again, the only place to go is forward. Forward, always forward. But I can't see anything in front of me. My fear has blinded me. The truth of the matter is that I'm twenty five and basically a glorified teenager. My parents are tired. I can tell they have reached their limit. Mostly from all the lectures and yelling. But I don't feel like an adult and I don't know how to do it. And I feel abandoned and that they love me less because I didn't graduate and suddenly jump right into being completely independent and content. And floundering is unacceptable. I guess I didn't realize exactly how dependent on my parents I actually have been. I mean I was always aware of the help and support they gave. Because nothing is given for free. But until the last few weeks and their expressed and implied demands for me to take over some roles that they had previously taken care of, I think I just put it out of mind because I didn't want to deal with it. What a fool I am. My independence is a figment of my imagination. I feel so inadequate in every aspect I don't know I will ever make it through this time. Because I am lost and lonely and no one really understands. And as much as people want to help me, growing up isn't something that they can help me with. And I am pathetic for not being able to handle this moment. So less than. Always less than. I feel like I have let everyone down by not being more the person they expected me to be when I graduated. I'm a mess. And no one wants anything to do with a mess. Graduation has brought to the forefront all my insecurities. Because as a student I could ignore them out of busyness; Up to a certain point anyways. But now, the expectation is that I am finished with the stage of needing help. And I feel like everyone is pressuring me. My happiness and mental health are irrelevant, this much I know. Work. Responsibility. Duty. That is all that matters. And I have serious doubts that I'm up to the challenge. But the only place to go is forward. Forward, always forward.