Keeping Informed With Clever Eyes

C. Jane 5 Loves

2012-02-14T17:53:00.001-05:00

"We are the sum of all our relationships, and that is why I can't regret any of mine. All of these bits and pieces add up to my soul and at the end of the day it's compassion (not travel) that makes us open-minded and wide-hearted. I've said it before, I will never regret emotion spent on falling in love."

C.Jane:5Loves

Just Wanna Hold Your Hand

2012-02-14T00:49:00.009-05:00

For me, it always comes back to hand holding. People seem to be less concerned about giving their kisses away. But holding hands? That is an intimacy reserved for a relationship. It seems backwards. But the willingness to entwine fingers and hold tight to someone else says a lot more than the willingness to kiss someone. People kiss people. Caught up in a moment. Just because they feel like it. Any number of other reasons. But holding hands... that shows intention. It shows commitment. It shows that they don't care who knows that you're together. Because kissing is done in secrecy but holding hands happens out in the open where other people can see it. So for me, that willingness speaks more to someones' true feelings than anything else.

"I swear to you, I have never noticed that tree house," I laughed.

"What? No way."

"Seriously, was that there the entire time we dated?"

"How could you have never noticed it? I don't believe it."

"I swear I've never seen it before in my life."

Maybe I'd seen the tree house before. But it had been a long time since I'd been standing on this driveway. And especially on this driveway with him. We both looked up at the tree house in question. The boys laughed and played a round of two on two basketball while we chatted. It felt so normal. Being here with my brothers. And him. His sarcasm and cynicism felt like home. I knew his looks. I knew his tone. He was flirting with me. Wasn't he?

He had been my best friend. At one point, he knew me best. But things had taken so many confusing turns. He started dating someone else. He broke up with me. In that order. And then when I pretended to be indifferent to his new girlfriend, he kissed me again. And now that they weren't together and I was home again, I openly hoped that he would want to get back together. Why else would we be spending so much time together? Sure, I was manufacturing some of the opportunities for us to see each other. He seemed so resistant at times - which was very confusing because in other moments he'd show up on my doorstep to see me. So I'd tag along with my brothers, as one of the boys, just to be present in his thoughts and line of sight. To remind him why we'd been together for so long before. Sometimes you have to create your own opportunity and presence can go a long way. That had always been the best part. We both got to spend time with each other and my brothers. Sure, since I'd been back he'd come to see me everyday. He'd kissed me. That was promising. But he treated me so differently when other people were around to witness. And he told me to not tell anyone. And then there was her. Why was she here? I could tell he liked her. He teased her like he had once teased me. But he must like me too. Why else would he call me and come see me everyday? And we had history. That had to count for something.

"Do you wanna see the tree house that you've 'never seen'?" He laughed.

"It does look pretty amazing from down here."

It was beginning to get dark. He led the way around the boys playing basketball. I followed closely as we walked around the bushes to the bottom of the tree. My heart pounded as I followed him up the ladder into the tree house. I could hear the boys laughing and chatting, but inside the tree house, in the dimming light, I felt so removed from the games below us.

"Well, this is the tree house," he stated with a cynical flourish. "Which of course you've never seen."

I looked around, and stopped in the center to look out the window to the coulees.

"I'm pretty sure I would of remembered being up here, if I'd ever been here before."

He stepped closer, looking me straight in the eyes.

"Guess it was never memorable before."

I blushed. I knew what he was implying. And he was so close.

"Yes, well, maybe so. I still maintain I've never seen this before in my life."

Unable to hold his gaze, I looked away and began to back away from him. He looked at me with such intensity; I was embarrassed. I took another step backwards, but suddenly I was stumbling into the entrance in the floor. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I was falling. Down the ladder. And then suddenly I wasn't. His hand grasped mine as my foot found a ladder rung. My hand, in his.

Speechless, I let him pull me back into the tree house.

"Well that was only moderately embarrassing,"I joked.

My hand still in his grasp, he tugged me closer. I looked up into his familiar face and let him lean towards me as he silenced my joke with a kiss.

"You should come back after everyone leaves," He whispered.

"C-c-come back?" I stammered.

With an impish grin, "It is my birthday at midnight. My 18th. You can be the first to wish me Happy Birthday."

He leaned forward kissing me again. And then without another word began to climb down the ladder to re-join the group.

Come back. After everyone leaves. This had to be a good sign. I took one last look out at the setting sun over the coulees. If him saving me from falling, then pulling me back up to kiss me in his childhood treehouse, as the sun set no less, wasn't romantic, I didn't know what was. And he wanted me to come back to spend his early birthday hours with him.

"So he asked me to come back." I nonchalantly announced as my brothers and I drove home.

"You're an idiot. Don't go back there."
My brothers tone of rebuke was so sharp. Why was he mad?

"I already told him I'd come back. Its fine. Really."

My brother glared towards me, "Don't go back there. Don't be stupid."

Defensively, I snapped back, "I can't just not show up. I told him I was coming back. He asked me to come back. It's not stupid."

Abruptly, my brother parked and we all hopped out of the car.

"Yes, yes it is. Don't go back there."

"I'm going. He asked me to come back. Give me the keys."

I jumped into the driver's seat of the Explorer, angrily slamming the door behind me, despite the lack of an audience to witness my annoyance. I just don't get it. How could he be so mad at me? I didn't do anything. We used to all be best friends. I don't get why he wouldn't want that again. They became such good friends because of me. Where was the problem? Why was he being so rude about it? Why wouldn't he want things to go back to the way they were?

I obsessed as I drove towards his house for the second time that night. I felt ill with anxiety. I never did do well with people's disapproval, despite how I might play indifference. Sure, I realized that things would never be the same. Our break-up and time apart had changed me. But I still felt that we had such potential. And my hope soared at the possibility. We had known each other for almost three years, having dated for two. And I couldn't imagine our not ending up together. I knew how childish that sounded. Even in my head I could hear how foolish that was. But he was still the person I cared for the most. And ending up with my high school sweet heart was my minds ideal. There had been potential with other people, but he was the root of every comparison. The standard by which I judged my feelings and interest.

Driving up to his house, I was surprised that everything was pitch black. I parked to the side of the driveway and hopped out. I felt the darkness around me, and slowly made my way to the front door, quietly knocking and then stepping back to wait.

"Shh. I don't want my family to know you're here," he whispered from inside his dark house.

Sure. That makes sense. It's late. Technically past curfew. It has nothing to do with him wanting to keep me a secret. Keep my being here a secret. He doesn't want to get in trouble. It has nothing to do with me.

He stepped out the front door, loaded with blankets and pillows.
"Here, take some of these."

I took a handful of blankets and followed behind him as he walked around the porch to the backyard and crossed the lawn to the tramp.

"I thought we could do a little star gazing."
"That sounds fun."

We tossed the blankets onto the tramp and then climb up. Carefully we arranged a bottom blanket and head rests, to ensure our comfort while star gazing. As we settled into each other, we lightly bantered back and forth. But I could not help but feel that I needed to know what was going on. I've never been one to push for definition. But during our time apart, I had learned what joy and security could be found in knowing exactly what you mean to someone else, rather than guessing and assuming. And I wanted to know. One minute he would treat me like we'd never broken up. He could be so charming at times. And in the next second he was giving me the cold shoulder and acting as though I had no reason to be around at all. I didn't understand.

I tried hard to sound more mature as we chatted. Like I had grown during our time apart and hadn't just been pining for him, hoping to hear some word that would indicate he still cared. But soon our conversation lulled and I laid with my head on his chest, listening to his heart beat. I re-positioned and supported myself with one arm as I began to trace his features with my fingers. He relaxed into my touch and closed his eyes. There was such familiarity held within his face. I could never forget the slope of his nose, or the feel of his brows or the shape of his lips. I knew this face. I concentrated on each individual aspect and then on his face as a whole. I loved tracing the outline of his face. And I had missed the comfort of being so close with him.
He opened his eyes and brushed a strand of my hair behind my ear, leaning up to kiss me.
"Lets go sit on the deck chairs."

He grabbed my hand and an armful of blankets. Being together always felt so natural and easy. Which was why I didn't understand the games he was playing. I hated that he didn't want me to tell anyone that he came over every day during his spare. Didn't want me to mention that he was kissing me still. Would never hold my hand. It made me feel like my brothers' loser older sister, to be hanging around, and have him ignore me to flirt with someone else. Because if we weren't together, then I just looked pathetic; like I was following him around.

He laid on a lounge chair and pulled me next to him. He wrapped his strong arms around me and held me close. I wished for this moment to never end. But I knew this was it. I had to bring it up. I couldn't continue like this, never knowing if he would show me affection or indifference from one moment to the next.

"So whats going on with you and that girl?"
He turned slightly so that he could see my full face, eyebrow arched. He seemed to measure my question for a moment.
"Her? Nothing really. We're probably gonna start dating."

I stiffened in his arms. And slowly sat up, to face him more fully. He said it so nonchalantly but it jarred me to my core. His arms, around me. His voice telling me he was going to be dating someone else soon. Had he not just kissed me, not even two minutes ago?

"What?" I couldn't help but let some of the hurt slip into my face and voice. "Then why am I here?"
He shrugged his shoulders. "Because I wanted you to come over. Why? Are you upset?"

"You don't get it."
And he didn't. How could he be so nonchalant? So callous in his approach. So blunt. 'We're probably gonna start dating.' Like I really was one of the boys asking and not a girl that he had been kissing and who he knew cared for him. "I don't understand. Why?"
I had real feelings. And he was acting like this should be no surprise to me. Everyday this week he had called me and visited me. Kissed me. He asked me to come spend time with him. What was I supposed to think was going on? That we were just old friends catching up?

He measured my face again, as he considered the question. "We don't work right now. We can't date. Maybe in the future things might change. But right now, we don't work. Maybe in the future."

My insides began to go cold, but even after everything, I still felt like we could talk about anything.

"Well, at least she's better than your last girlfriend," I offered.

I still had such an overwhelming feeling that I didn't want him to see just how much he had hurt me and continued to hurt me. So I defaulted to pretending I was fine with everything. Like I had been for the last year. Pretending that I hadn't been hoping for a different outcome than the one he was offering me.

"Ha. Didn't like my last girl, huh?"
"She was nice," I hedged. "It just was... she was... so different from me. And I couldn't reconcile how you could go from dating me to dating her. You broke up with me for her."
"HA! Ya, she definitely wasn't my type, but I felt like dating her. Wanna know something? When I started dating her I already knew when I would break up with her. I just knew I didn't really like her. But she definitely didn't see it coming."

Callous. Cruel. Selfish.

My insides began to turn to stone.

I sat across from him, as he bantered about this new girl and that old girl. But all I wanted to know was why if we were so comfortable with each other and so close - he still spoke to me so openly - why we couldn't be together.

"I still don't get why we can't date."
I didn't realize I had said it out loud until I looked up and saw his face. He looked at me with a small smirk and pity.
"I'm just saying. We dated for two years. And we're still able to talk and be so close. I just don't see why we can't date."
"I guess we dated for two years. But it's not like that really meant anything. It wasn't a big deal. And the timing isn't right for us. It never really was. But maybe in the future. We'll have to see."

Two years. Didn't mean anything. That was not my take on the situation. I just couldn't believe that he didn't care for me. How could he say that it meant nothing? Sure, we weren't perfect, but we fit together. And he had told me once that being with me was the closest he'd ever been to being in love. And I still felt that way.

Then again, he wasn't saying we'd never work out. Just that right now it wouldn't work. Timing. I never had good timing.

"You know its getting late..." he trailed off.
I was being dismissed. Apparently, he was done talking about things.
"Oh, sure. Right. I guess I should go home."

I helped him carry the blankets into the pool room. I let him wrap his arms around my waist, pull me in closer and kiss me one last time.
"Happy Birthday," I whispered as we pulled apart.

My thoughts whirled as I walked in the darkness around the house towards my car. I started the engine, letting it heat up for a moment. And then put the car in drive, letting the conversation run through my head for what surely would not be the last time. I knew that I had appeared so calm while it was all happening. But I never could process things immediately. It took time for them to sink in.

He was going to start dating her. I felt hollow, like all the emotions had been drained from my body and nothing was left. I felt deflated. My hopes lay dashed around my feet. Alone, I could process the night. He said maybe in the future. But from deep within my heart a feeling began to surface. I knew that we were over. He no longer valued my feelings or our time together. Two years had meant absolutely nothing to him. He had talked of our time together, and vicariously my feelings, like they were worthless and irrelevant. We had dated for two years for crying out loud. I still distinctly remembered him telling me how much he cared for me. But now I could think of nothing but his glib tone, as he said we hadn't been serious.

And I hated him for it.

365

2012-02-02T17:01:00.000-05:00

Sikia Ningleton Can Suck It

2012-02-02T00:29:00.002-05:00

*Cough* Sikia Ningleton.

I sent out a mass email to all the singles wards in the area about receiving a free dental screening. And happily enough I received a pretty good response back. To save me time, I composed an email to describe the screening and sent it to the entire group.

Apparently, for Sikia Ningleton that solitary act was DEEPLY offensive. And as such, we had the following email thread.

On Feb 1, 2012 7:14 PM, "Melissa Lowry" <mlowry2@hotmail.com> wrote:

Hello potential dental screening patients!

I first wanted to thank each of you for your response to my offer. I wasn't sure if I would get any kind of response so I'm glad so many of you are interested.

Second, I wanted to let you know a few pertinent details about the screenings:

1. Screenings won't start until after Feb 13th - generally the hours that we can screen are between 9am-3pm M-F (though some exceptions may be possible)

2. The WREB (aka the dental boards) are for new cavities and deep cleanings (not the standard cleaning that most patients generally receive at their recall visits - this cleaning is for removal of calculus) - unfortunately that means that re-doing a filling wouldn't be possible for the exam.

3. In order to receive your filling or deep cleaning for free - you have to meet our exam criteria. Of course, having the screening done means you will have an idea of if you need any work done but you are by no means under any obligation to continue treatment at the school. If you have cavities that need to be done, but don't meet the exam criteria, it is possible to become a patient of the school and receive the discounted dental care the school offers (though the trade off of cheap dental care is that while you receive very thorough treatment, there are many appointments and often they are 2-3 hours long each - though the screening will DEFINITELY NOT be that long).

4. Because of the large response, I'm going to be dividing patients (thats you!) amongst my friends to help expedite the process and make scheduling a little easier. Generally, giving us a day slash time of the week that works best for you is helpful (For example, Tues or Thurs between 9am-12pm), and we can book something and confirm that the appointment with you to make sure it will work with your schedule and ours.

5. The screening itself will consist of: Medical History, Consent Forms, and X-rays - I would estimate that the screenings would take about an hour. Probably less.

Any other questions that you have, feel free to email me.

mlowry2@hotmail.com

Melissa Lowry

DMD 2012

Date: Wed, 1 Feb 2012 19:20:20 -0500

Subject: Re: Follow-Up on Free Dental Screenings

From: Sikiacan@suckit.com

To: mlowry2@hotmail.com

Hi Melissa,

When you send out e-mails, you may want to blind carbon copy people or use some other method to protect the confidentiality of people, not just for medical reasons or those relating to HIPPA but also just in general.

Thanks for the info.

Take care,

Sikia

Sent from a mobile device. Please excuse any errors.

On Feb 1, 2012 7:27 PM, "Melissa Lowry" <mlowry2@hotmail.com> wrote:

For general informational emails its much easier to send a mass email. But thanks for the suggestion.

On Feb 1, 2012 7:39 PM, "Sikia Ningleton" wrote:

You can send a mass e-mail without showing everyone's e-mail address to send general information:

1. Blind carbon copy everyone

2. Save everyone's e-mail as a group belonging to your own name, place your name/e-mail in the "to" portion, and everyone receives an e-mail just saying your email in the "to" and is unaware of the e-mail addresses of others

3. Use of websites like Constant Contact

4. Etc.

Regardless if it's medical information, for legal reasons in any field, even if it's a music instructor sending general information, just a great practice to have as others on the list may want their confidentiality protected & not want their e-mail addresses or identity known to others for whatever reason, be it the fact they are private or they do not want others to know they have signed up for an event, even when consent is given.

In general, protecting confidentiality of others takes precedence over the "ease" of sharing information.

Best of luck with your exams,

Sikia

Sent from a mobile device. Please excuse any errors.

From: mlowry2@hotmail.com

To: sikiacan@suckit.com

Subject: RE: Follow-Up on Free Dental Screenings

Date: Wed, 1 Feb 2012 18:09:47 -0700

Again. Thanks for the suggestion.

Date: Wed, 1 Feb 2012 21:24:16 -0500
Subject: RE: Follow-Up on Free Dental Screenings
From: sikiacan@suckit.com
To: mlowry2@hotmail.com

Hi Melissa,
Just to make sure it's clear for me, I do not want e-mails in which others can view my e-mail address nor in which I can view the e-mails of others.
I have served on several Institutional Review Boards in hospitals and sending mass e-mail addresses with everyone's e-mail address being visible to others, especially to something that is medically related, as is your e-mail on free dental screenings is, is not right.
I will also not be participating in the free dental screenings & wish to receive no future e-mail correspondence about them.
Thank you,

Sikia
Sent from a mobile device. Please excuse any errors.

From: mlowry2@hotmail.com

To: sikiacan@suckit.com

Subject: RE: Follow-Up on Free Dental Screenings

Date: Wed, 1 Feb 2012 21:52:15 -0700

Sikia.

I believe I got all that from the first email you sent.

And truthfully had zero intention of including you in the screening, as you aren't the type of patient we would want for our licensure exams.

Also just for your future reference, you're being quite rude about something that I didn't realize was a mistake. So maybe jumping down my throat about it, isn't the most tactful way to behave.

And *cough* Sikia? Guess what? I'm posting it on my blog because you overreacting (and ya, I'm pretty sure this was a major overreaction) about something I didn't know makes me feel a little spiteful. Especially when I tried to respond as politely as I could. I didn't even know what bcc stood for before this interaction, let alone what it was used for. So you're response was particularly unwarranted.

Is it rude to post this? You bet it is. But at least I'm removing her email address from the exchange. Because believe me when I say it, out of spite, I'm particularly tempted to include it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
UPDATE:
Wanna know just what a psycho Sikia Ningleton is? She called my school. WTF?

Happy Birthday Dear Natalie!

2012-02-01T22:31:00.001-05:00

I may not distinctly remember the moment my brother David Alan started to date my sister-in-law Natalie. But I do remember that a shift began to happen within our family. From those first few years that Natalie and Dave were dating I remember the best sugar cookies ever, a room decorated in Valentines, boating and being so excited when she'd stop by our house. She was very novel, being the first outsider to date one of my siblings. She was a milestone for the family and was hard not to idolize. A lot of what I have strived for I have taken from the example that Natalie has set for me. From wanting to be a high school Stat Girl for the football team to decorating a boyfriends room in high school to her fanatical fitness ambitions to her mad organizational skills to what I can view of her relationship with Dave. I have wanted to emulate Nat for as long as I can remember her being around. I wanted her romantic story - the one with pictures of being young and in love. And I wanted to be close because I admire so much about her. I wanted her to see me as the sister I see her as.

I feel like in the last couple years Natalie has really started to feel like one of the family. The desire for her to be apart of us was always there so this increased closeness within our family has brought so much joy to me. It makes me feel like our family is really coming together.

Natalie is one of the funniest people I know. She's sarcastic and so quick witted. And I love when I get to see or hear her view on things. I feel like the last few times I've gone home, the opportunity of her company has been among my favorite.

Nat and Dave don't have a perfect relationship (I doubt anyone really does), but they are one of the couples I admire the most. They are just so blatantly in love (which Natalie laughs when I say because they aren't newlyweds anymore). But its not an immature puppy love way of showing. Spending time with them you can't help but catch them in moments when they think no one is watching and you just know that they love each other above all else. You would never doubt it. They have something to be extremely envious of. And maybe they have set the bar too high, because I can't help but compare every potential person I date, asking "Will they love me the way Dave and Nat love each other?" Nat downplays like none other. But thats part of the charm I suppose. Because it always feels so genuine and never appears that they're flaunting their good fortune. I always feel like I'm stealing a secret moment. To be so in love is unfathomable to me. But I hope for it someday. And I am grateful for the opportunity I have to witness love like theirs.

And I'm grateful for Natalie. I'm grateful she chose to marry my brother and has chosen to be a part of our family. I love her very dearly. So I want to wish her a very Happy Birthday!

Making Me Laugh

2012-02-01T19:55:00.000-05:00

"Has anyone ever told you that you look like Snow White?"
"Is it because my skin is so pasty and my hair is so dark?"
"I believe some would call you fair..."
"Ha, yes I suppose that is the more flattering way to describe it..."

Letters

2012-01-31T15:09:00.000-05:00

Dear Dr. Schnell (holder of the Remo
sign-out and credit approval),
Thanks for letting me know that
I officially have much less work
than I had previously anticipated
in order to graduate.
I'm pretty stoked about it and
heaved a huge sigh of relief,
as well as have been bragging
to high heavens about how well
off I now am in regards to
graduation requirements.
Its only slightly a bit much.

Dear Requirements,

Thank for giving me such

a sense of accomplishment

as I check off every little one

of you. I love it. I really do.

Dear Katie Thornton,
Thanks for listening to my rants
about how guy/girl friendships
don't work and how I don't get why
people think they're awesome. And
feeding me delicious supper and
making chocolate peanut butter
no bake cookies. I'm too lucky.
And was reaaaally hungry.

Dear Boston LDS singles

(aka my future dental licensure

exam patients)

I'm excited you guys are all pumped

for some nice free dental screenings.

Makes me feel a little less stressed

about being able to pull off this little

thing called DENTAL BOARD

EXAMS. I really hope a few of you

work out

*Crossing my fingers you have bad

teeth (but not too bad)*

Dear Life,

Today you are

acceptable.

Of course I haven't

tried studying yet...

We made the school news!

2012-01-30T15:51:00.000-05:00

And I was even quoted! HA.

Three fourth-year dental students: Melissa Lowry, Dee Gulis, and Lucinda Barry recently returned from a trip to Poptun, Guatemala with LIGA International. The trip took place from January 12 to 23. While in Guatemala the students, along with alum Kevin Acone DMD 07, and trip organizer Dr. Fred Kalinoff, spent five days treating patients of various ages in the Dental Clinic at the Poptun Hospital.

(l-r) Dan Barry, Melissa Lowry DMD 12,
Dee Gulis DMD 12, Dr. Fred Kalinoff,
Lucinda Barry DMD 12, Kevin Acone DMD 07,
and Tricia Kalinoff

Ordinarily there is one local dentist who sees patients at the Poptun Hospital in the mornings, but his schedule is a bit unpredictable. So when the GSDM volunteers arrived at the Poptun Hospital the local residents turned out in force for a chance to be treated.

Said Lowry, “We worked five days at the hospital, working from eight to ten hours per day. We rotated patients between the three of us and performed a combination of extractions and restorations. We had to work with limited instruments and supplies and it was difficult treating at times because people had such a great need and there was not enough time to fix everything.”

The students estimated that they treated between 150 and 200 patients. They performed most of the treatment, but Drs. Acone and Kalinoff were always on hand to oversee and assist if necessary. Many of the patients presented with cases the students had never seen before.

Dr. Kalinoff explained one such case, “Every year we see a couple of very unusual cases, and this year was no exception. We were asked by the emergency room staff to see a patient with an abscessed tooth. We agreed and a few minutes later a wheelchair arrived with a lady of about 40 who looked more dead than alive.” Dr. Kalinoff continued, “She had a draining abscess from the angle of her right mandible that had created a hole about three centimeters by two centimeters with copious amounts of drainage. The right side of her face was swollen from above the ear down into her neck and the swelling was rock hard. She had a fever of about 102, with considerable lassitude, and was verbally unresponsive. Our main concern was that the swelling in her neck would soon cause her to suffocate.”

For this patient Dr. Acone cleaned the wound and then worked with the Emergency Room staff to arrange for IV antibiotic treatment, which the patient was kept on for the entire five days that the group worked at the hospital. Dr. Kalinoff said, “By the time we left 90% of the swelling was gone and there was talk of sending her down to Guatemala City to eventually close the wound.”

Needless to say, this trip was a learning experience for the students. Lowry said, “It was great having the freedom to operate as a dentist but the accessibility of help if it was needed. We saw so many different cases that we haven’t seen before.“

Added Gulis, “Dr. Acone was amazing to work with and a great person to lead a trip like this.”

Also on the trip were Dr. Kalinoff’s wife, Tricia, and Barry’s husband, Dan, who the group affectionately nicknamed “Dycal Dan”. Dycal Dan acted as dental assistant, photographer, and took care of the instruments. Barry said the trip exceeded both of their expectations and the others agreed. They all hope to get involved with this trip again and to be able to play a role in expanding the outreach efforts so that the residents of Poptun see a marked improvement in their overall oral health.

Said Dr. Kalinoff, “I cannot say enough about these students. Dee, Melissa, and Lucida were all tremendously hard and willing workers. They showed very good knowledge of their chosen field and will be leaders in the dental industry in the future.”

Poptun Clinic

2012-01-29T23:14:00.001-05:00

Every morning, Dr. Fred, Trisha, Dan, Lucinda, Dee, Kevin, myself (and possibly a translator from the Finca Ixobel where we stayed) would travel in two really old cars, that were functioning as taxis to go to the clinic on the outskirts of Poptun.

I'm not sure what I expected the dental work would be like in Guatemala. I know that what it was wasn't what I expected though. I guess because the trip had been a long standing trip (having happened every year for the last six years), I thought it would be better organized. Turns out I'm a little OCD and like things to be planned out. Mostly I don't like feeling like I don't know what I'm doing. I hate feeling out of sorts. So getting to Poptun and discovering that no one knew we were coming (Hospital and patients alike) was kind of disheartening.

But we went Monday morning - talked with the director of the Hospital and asked if we could use one of their rooms and thanked him for his hospitality and we set up. Monday was a slow day, since no one knew we were coming. They have a dentist in Poptun that comes and works every morning in the Hospital in a room. We used that room. It had two chairs. We had a portable hand piece unit so we could do fillings that we hooked up to one of the chairs. We organized as best we could.

We used bottled water for the hand pieces and to give patients to take any ibuprofen we prescribed.

Lucinda's husband, Dan, had zero dental background, but you would have never known it.

He honestly was amazing. He disinfected instruments, assisted, organized, took pictures. You name it, and Dan had it under control. He was awesome.

The End of Day One at the Clinic

Working in Guatemala was very different from working in America. For starters, we didn't have access to some pretty crucial instruments (like a dental explorer - yup, we used a probe which is not the same at all in case you don't know) and did a lot of back street dentistry where we just had to get by with what we had. Our burs were dull, we didn't have a ton of oral surgery equipment. We didn't have suction. And a lot of the materials we were working with were old. But I think we got it working pretty smoothly. Lucinda, Dee and I rotated off taking patients at first. And we'd all help assist if we didn't have a patient. Lucinda's husband Dan was Dycal Dan and pretty much a rockstar. He helped us clean instruments, took our pictures as we worked on cases, assisted while we worked. He did everything pretty much.

It was really different not speaking the language hardly at all. Everyone laughed at the very little amount of spanish I knew. Because turns out, even simple small phrases took me awhile to get my mouth to work the right way. But we were very lucky. We had several people from the community and from Finca Ixobel (where we stayed), that came and gave us entire days to help translate for us. They organized the mass of patients and would help us find out what was wrong with people. We were very lucky (and grateful!) to have their help and support. And the little bit of Spanish I knew allowed me to get by in a pinch. I often wished I knew more words so that I could explain something or just ease the fears of an uneasy patient. Learning Spanish is definitely on my list of post-dental school activities.

We started with two chairs - one for fillings and one for extractions. But we ended up jerry rigging the second chair so it could also do fillings and adding a plastic chair that we did extractions out of so we could try to get more patients through.

The people were amazing though. Most of them (once they figured out we were there and it became busy), would wait in the waiting room. Some people waited for hours only to have us tell them to come back. And they did it cheerfully. They came in and often thought they needed a filling, when really they needed an extraction. And they didn't question, they just got right on board. It was heart breaking some of it. They were grateful for every little thing we could give them. Some of the dental need was crazy. So many people just had all this decay in their mouth. And I couldn't help but wonder how it could get so bad. But a lot of people didn't even have the basic knowledge of how to take care of their teeth. I felt the worst when young people would come in with horribly decayed front teeth, and I'd have to tell them that in all likelihood they would lose those teeth. Or the beautiful children (and some of those kids were probably the most beautiful kids I've ever seen), that would come in and we'd need to extract so many of their teeth because they've been drinking coffee everyday with tons of sugar and all their teeth were bad.

The appointments themselves were a little ghetto. I will never undervalue suctions or assistants again. Because we would work on people, give them a little paper cup and anytime their mouths filled up with spit or water, I would have to stop to let them spit. The spit cups were probably the grossest thing I've ever seen.

Most of the patient were amazing though.

One lady came in and I extracted all her upper teeth one day and the next day I extracted all her lower teeth, and then I extracted a couple teeth on her son. And she gave me multiple hugs and even though I didn't understand her words, I could feel her gratitude. She was so sweet. It was patients like that that made me feel really great about this trip.

Its hard coming on a trip like this, because I felt how entitled I can be sometimes and how selfish. And how I can complain when things aren't ideal for me. I kept having to take a good hard look at myself, and found that I didn't love the person I saw. And I realized that the self-absorbed, arrogant, pompous, twenty-something with the bright future isn't really who I want to be. I want to not try to buy my happiness. And be happy with my circumstances because I have so much to be grateful for. I still think, that while I may not struggle with poverty, I still have valid challenges - because Third World problems aren't the only important problems in the world - But I think I could use a little Third World gratitude and patience. Thats what impressed me the most. We worked till 7pm on a couple days, and some people waited all day for us to see them, and then we had to send them away and they didn't bat an eye. They just said they'd be back tomorrow.

Working-wise, what I struggled the most with was treating children. Children are irrational. Some of them cry. Lots of them scream. They jerk their heads around. They don't understand what you're trying to do. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not exactly comfortable with children. I love my nieces and nephew, but the second children cry, they are going back to their parents. I do much better with older kids who understand reason and who I don't need to force to do things. Forcing people to do things makes me physically uncomfortable.

So when people in SoAB suggest I become a pediatric dentist I want to laugh in their faces.

That is the last thing I would ever want to do.

One of the days in the clinic it felt like all I saw were kids. They had huge infections around teeth that needed to come out. Infection means my anesthetic isn't going to work as well. That means that I'm going to have to give more than one shot and that it might not be the most comfortable experience ever. And truthfully, the pressure from extracting a tooth is often uncomfortable and often mistaken for pain.

Pretty much every child who came my way screamed.

This little girl is probably the prettiest little girl I've ever seen and the niece of one of our translators - and I made her cry two days in a row because she had teeth that were infected and needed to be extracted :(

I felt awful. Some of them cried so much. And sometimes I just had to keep going because the tooth was almost out. But I felt terrible. Its terribly disheartening to have children crying at your touch. Even if you're trying to help them. Dee, Lucinda and Kevin kept telling me to not take it so personally. And that they don't know how I'm gonna make it in the dental field if I take things so personally. Sometimes kids cry. And while I can understand that, I also felt a small nagging that maybe it was me. Maybe I'm a bad dentist.

Not every kid was that way. There were a few that were so wonderful I sighed in relief.

This little stud walked right in, smiling the most darling smile and told one of our translators this:

"Those three girls should come to my house after and teach my brother and I English"

Even as a five year old he was terribly charismatic. And I wished we could go teach him and his brother English. The entire time I worked on him he had his arm lounged behind his head.

He was adorable and one of my very favorite patients.

Plus, who can resist that head tilt and his arm around my shoulders?

I got to do and see so much on this trip.

Kevin (Dr. Acone, who graduated five years ago from BU and was our legit saving grace so many times on this trip) walked me through doing my very first sutures on a patient.

I extracted so many teeth.

I did pulp caps and fillings.

And in so many ways, I got a glimpse of post-dental school life and felt how nice it is to feel like a competent dentist.

(A feeling that is often lacking from the school).

We worked with poor lighting (often using flashlights or our headlamps) and poor instruments.

But I feel like we did some good.

It wasn't a lot.

And I wish we could have done more because so much more could have been done.

But it was exhausting.

We left everyday completely drained.

And it was not unusual for us to be in bed, under our mosquito nets by 9:30pm.

On our last day it was crazy to see the waiting room go from insanely packed to completely empty.

BEGINNING OF THE DAY

END OF THE DAY

I was so happy to have had the opportunity to go with Lucinda and Dee.

I honestly couldn't have picked two better people to go with.

And I told Kevin several times over the week how grateful I was that he came.

He let us have free reign, but as soon as we needed help he was there.

I felt like he, as an educator, was perfect. He would instruct us, but wasn't overbearing and would teach us things so that we could do learn how to do it by ourselves.

Plus, Dr. Acone was hilarious.

A few of my favorite sayings of his from the trip:

I was told that there would BE no math.

Boremonism (aka a boring mormon)

You know what they say here in Guatemala - Safety Fifth!

Sassachusettes

Got Guat?

Its called Melanin Melissa, Get some.

Casa de estrogen.

Grumplestiltskin.

Guat blow out.

Rookasaurus Rex.

Whormonism.

The only rule in the Guat: There are no rules.

[Kevin: Do any of you know how to suture bullet holes?

Dee, Lucinda and I: Um, I guess we probably could do it. Why?

Kevin: Because if I have to listen to Adele much longer I'm going to shoot myself in the face]

I laughed so much with Kevin around.

I taught everyone how to play Rook while we were in Poptun at the clinic. Which lead to much hilarity.

Kevin was hating on me for an entire clinic day though because of Rook from the night before and me saying that Lucinda was the best partner ever, even though he and I had been partners for like three rounds.

It was fun though. Kevin added such a great dynamic to our trip and I was so glad he was around.

Home again

2012-01-25T07:46:00.002-05:00

While Guatemala was amazing, I was certainly ready to come home. I was tired and a little sick. Add to that the nagging feeling in the back of my head telling me that I had been foolish to be gone for so long (there is so much to do and consider). We talked a lot over the trip about the future of our lives - about the immediate game plans that would be set in motion to result in our graduation. And Dr. Fred, since he couldn't remember the difference between Dee and I, or what either of us was going to do post-school, asked us over and over what our plans were.

Dee is under the assumption that since I have no foreseeable plans for after dental school, that it doesn't matter if I don't graduate on time. And it irked me that she prioritizes her desire to finish on time over mine because she HAS to been done before she starts her residency and me, with my lack of plans could technically not worry a lick about being trapped in the school. I may not have post-dental school plans, but one thing is sure, I'm ready to be out of this place. And staying late is not something I have any interest in doing.

I had a couple days in Guatemala where I was starting to fall apart a bit. Once in the clinic - I just got so tired and all these children kept crying and screaming. And it wasn't really my fault, and I was trying to help them, but its hard to not feel like a bad dentist when someone is screaming bloody murder at you. I could never be a pediatric dentist, because I take things too personally. Even still, I know I need to separate my ego from the dental care I provide. Its not something I'm good at. So long days and screaming children were wearing me down.

And the last day. I felt sick and was starting to feel all the pressure I was returning to.

The airport saying became Travel 5: Melissa 0 for how my day was going.

I couldn't find my student visa (having tucked it away in a "secure" location) and had to rummage and pull all my stuff out of my bags right before we checked our luggage (luckily I remembered before we checked our luggage)

I dropped my guatemalan customs paperwork all over - twice.

I had a small moment where I misplaced my passport.

I got pulled over by the guatemalan security over a random pair of tweezers that made it into my bag.

And as we looked at the last bit of souvenirs we could bring back to America, I began to feel ill again and had to go sit down.

Mostly I laughed at these things - once I had procured all the necessary paperwork and any real danger of not being allowed back into the US was over. But I was out of sorts leaving Guatemala.

I'm glad to be back at school - despite the anxiety and fears. We arrived into Boston at 12:15am yesterday and by the time I got home it was 1am. I prepared my bag for the next day (since I had to take my mock boards at 7am). And it was a busy busy day. But while the work in front of me is overwhelming at best, there is a certain comfort in the busyness. And I do love checking requirements off my graduation list.

Distraction

2012-01-25T03:09:00.004-05:00

I'm not sure if its my own foolishness or your previous constancy that has allowed so many of my thoughts to turn to you. I know in my head that it is wise to let you go. But my heart is stubborn. Oh I'll pretend that I'm making progress but only because I know no one wants to hear about it. But you still bring a tear to my eye and sharp pain to my chest. Its foolish. But I've been foolish before and undoubtably will be foolish again.
Is it weird that part of me feels like I might run into you again? (And not in the 'you and your crew pretending I'm invisible' way, which has already happened and I didn't particularly care for.)
I keep thinking about travelling to France and serendipitously running into you. Which is highly unlikely; Even in my imagination.
I guess its just me not wanting to be done. Despite the rightness of that decision.
It was right, wasn't it?
Its funny because so often I just want to tell you things; Silly, little things of no consequence. Things I know you would understand or appreciate. But whereas I was brave once before, I can no longer be brave. That time has passed. But I have typed out the words and been on the precipice of sending them when reason came flooding back in. I deleted your number to prevent such weakness.
I know wishing is a waste of time. But I honestly wish things could have been different. Which is probably more a selfish wish than one with your best interest at heart. Because I am worn down and tired.
I was thinking about the number of times that I've been broken hearted. Sure I've been hurt far more times than that small number. I tend to take any form of rejection hard. But it takes more than just a break up to count as a heart break for me. It takes my future hope. And not just anyone can elicit that from me.
I know that you will find someone else. And they'll probably be perfect for you in a hundred different ways that I was not. And even though this fact doesn't make me sad per say, I'm not sure I'll ever really get rid of the unconscious sigh your name brings. At least I haven't yet for the others.
In Guatemala, I laid in the muggy air, in a bed that was questionably clean, under a mosquito net I had tucked close to the bed out of fear for the gigantic tarantula seen in a tree house nearby. The days were busy with patients. I was tired and a little grumpy. I felt like a bonafide dentist in moments and an utter wreck in others. But my skills seemed enough and gave me hope to make it out of dental school alive. And despite a certain excitement and contentedness from a trip that could only be called a success, I cried as quietly as I could, while my friend slept across the room. Tired, cold and sad.
Traveling and you are somehow entwined. And you kept popping up at unexpected moments on my trip. I want to hate travelling because you think it makes people better and more complete than those who love their home and their own people. And I want to hate reading. And I want to hate that I value good educations. And I want to shake you. Truly I do. But I'm not sure I'm doing either.
I'm too sentimental. I know this.
And written down on paper, it doesn't look like there is anything to be sentimental of. But somehow my twisted brain has found it.
I feel like a wreck. Like I haven't been sound since you. Which isn't really because of you. There is so much on my plate right now and somehow I managed to ignore that until just recently. I'm frightened of the future, if I were being honest. And I just want to talk to you about the things that are upsetting me. You got me to trust that I could say anything to you, and even with differing opinions it would be ok. But it isn't. And now I'm left missing that openness. Maybe thats what I actually am missing. Not you but the availability of someone with whom I could voice the thoughts I usually do not dare to utter to another person. And like a hypocrite, I try to fill the void you have left, even though I looked down upon you for doing pretty much the same. But I'm too cognizant to feel anything but guilt because I think deep down, I know thats not right either, even though I'm still going to debate it.
Turns out I'm still upset. And the only person I want to talk to about it is you. Turns out everyone telling me to just get over it and how weird you are and how little you matter and how much they disliked you to begin with and how much better off I am now hasn't helped. But the ebb and flow of my emotions allows me to forget about it sometimes. To express it and then to be ok.
You'd think by now I'd realize that tucking my emotions beneath the surface doesn't work anymore. Because my body has physically reached its limit of hiding things away. I think its stress that has done it to me. This lack of control. Or perhaps I really was delusional about how much emotion I had before. When I continue to try my old coping methods, eventually that sassy body of mine shows me who's boss by giving me days where I have no control over the flow of emotions I emit. Its embarrassing and unexplainable at best, because any explanation sounds small and insignificant even to myself.

I read a post that had a few lines that struck me hard today.
It was originally posted on this. These are my favorite parts.

There are some things you can’t understand yet. Your life will be a great and continuous unfolding. It’s good you’ve worked hard to resolve childhood issues while in your twenties, but understand that what you resolve will need to be resolved again. And again. You will come to know things that can only be known with the wisdom of age and the grace of years. Most of those things will have to do with forgiveness.
You cannot convince people to love you. This is an absolute rule. No one will ever give you love because you want him or her to give it. Real love moves freely in both directions. Don’t waste your time on anything else.
Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.

I have a lot of hard work in front of me. Its daunting. And I feel a slight deja vu to my stress level in second year - which was among my least favorite of times and least favorite version of myself. It truly is daunting this task of living and succeeding. And I'm worried I'm not up to snuff. And I know that you are no more than a distraction for me. Because if I were being truthful, its my inadequacies that are keeping me awake and not your lack of feeling. I know deep down you don't matter anymore. You made your choice. And I am nothing, if not someone who believes in honoring the consequences of our choices. My school is about the only thing that does matter right now. Because I cannot bear the thought of being here any longer than I have to. Or of failing. And so much of what I worry about, has no bearing in the present.

The present is all I have for now. I can't stand the thought of making any plans for the future while I feel so unsettled in my current situation. And that is just the way things are going to be for now.

Hello From the Guat

2012-01-13T20:56:00.002-05:00

Just a quick hello. We arrived yesterday in Guatemala City and met up with Dr. Fred, his wife Trisha and Kevin (another dentist). We took a van ride through the city and to Antigua.

So far, I`m pretty much loving:
ONE - Any and all food; from the amazing dinner I had last night, to the freshest pineapple and orange juice with hearty crepes this morning or the amazing nachos I had this afternoon. Yup. I could pretty much get used to eating this lovely south american fare. Cause it is the bomb.
TWO - The ruins. We spent this morning and part of the afternoon touring the ruins that are in Antigua. It is a spectacular sight to see all these massive structures with huge pieces of building in between and random staircases. Plus, I figured out how to take panoramic shots on the camera I brought and they are winning at life.

Its surreal being here in Guatemala. And so far has been a constant sensory overload. It doesnt feel that different from America in some ways, but maybe I just notice and stop to look at more things here.
I already know that coming back to school is going to be a rude awakening. But Kevin has definitely been painting a lovely post-graduation picture for us all. Maybe traveling the world will be my future life. There`s something kind of amazing about seeing other cultures and being somewhere so different in so many aspects from where I`m from. Although I`m really glad to have Dee, Lucinda and Dan with me, as my shy and introverted nature might not be conducive to all the adventures I`m currently totally on board for. Plus, with all of us taking pictures and the promise of sharing said pictures, I`m sure to have some great shots in the mix and even be in a couple.

On tomorrow`s agenda? Just hiking a volcano. NBD.

2012-01-12T18:00:00.002-05:00

Goodbye America

2012-01-12T01:49:00.000-05:00

As usual, I have waited until the last possible moment to pack. My travel companions (The Barry's and Dee) have been completely packed for hours now. And me? Well I think I've finally got everything packed.. but it's still gonna be a late night with an early departure. I think it was always safe to assume that I was gonna be the weak link of this trio in regards to preparedness. I left my runners in Alberta (out of forgetfulness and a procrastinated pack), and have been inundating Dee and Lucinda with texts for the last two days trying to figure out what I ought to be bringing. They kept telling me it was just like packing to go camping. Ya... I pretty much only camp with them. Dee has decided that I should henceforth be known as "the Rookie" with the naive things that come out of my mouth.

It was cute though. Dee read in her guide book that the area we are going to is important to Mormon heritage or archeology (read: Nephite/Lamanite/Mayan history) and was really excited to tell me about it. I like that my friends get excited when they run across Mormon things because they know me.

This is the eve of a momentous occasion. But it doesn't feel that way for some reason. I have been trying to convince my parents to let me travel since high school. It's what I've been telling myself I've always wanted; To travel the world. And while I'm sure I'm excited, I feel... like what if travelling isn't all its cracked up to be? What if I hate it? (I know, my poor first world problems) I mean I guess that'll decide a few future things for me if thats the case. But it was easy to day dream about all the places I'd go when there was no real chance of actually going anywhere. And now its not that simple. I wish that I could call [someone] and talk about my upcoming adventure. But I won't. Pride goeth before the fall. And my pride is firmly intact.

I know that this trip will be a success, because Lucinda, Dee and Dan are my adventure friends and make everything fun. And with them involved how could it not be? But still, this moment has been wished for for so long that its weird to have the long awaited day finally here.

T-minus Three Hours Till Departure

~

2012-01-09T17:42:00.000-05:00

Goodbye Canada

2012-01-08T09:09:00.001-05:00

I've been contemplating an e-reader for quite some time. Because I really do read quite a lot of books (I read over thirty this year). And books are heavy (though my future library is still a plan). But there are so many options that usually I get overwhelmed. I hate picking between things that are barely different. And upon reading and re-reading e-reader reviews, I determined that most of the e-readers are pretty similar. The Nook has a better touch screen, but the Kindle can play audiobooks and MP3s. How do you decide between that? I told my Dad I was planning on buying either a Nook or Kindle soon (I think I like the Nook better, but if I return to Canada they don't have Barnes and Nobles and I lose the benefit of free-wi-fi in-store and free tech support should my Nook go crazy). Upon telling him, he scoffed and said I could just have his Kindle that he got for free.

This option made it so I didn't have to decide.

Decision made for me.

I pouted for a moment upon receiving it.

Its not exactly what I was thinking I wanted - it doesn't have the touch screen (Yup, that sounds super superficial and stuck up).

What kind of devices don't have touch screens anymore? (And again.)

But then I started to fidget with it. And started to read (currently: Janet Evanovich's One for the Money - and its not half bad). I can download free books. Who doesn't love a good and free classic novel. And I realized that I'm quite happy with this new addition. Yes, I stole it from my father. Yes, it doesn't have a touch screen. But as it turns out it does exactly what I need and want it to do - put words in front of me.

Its official.

I'm an e-reader convert.

(Though I have been told its not Guatemala acceptable unless I really want to get mugged again.)

Christmas Happenings Dec. 21-23

2012-01-06T00:24:00.000-05:00

Visiting Royall's New House

(which sadly I didn't take a single picture of our time together)
Royall and her cute family recently moved to Lethbridge. Which as it turns out is very convenient for me since I love getting to see Royall and now she lives so close. Her, Dani and I all got together and Royall fed us a wonderful lunch and then we chatted for quite a while. Moments like these are among my favourites. It just was so nice to get together and catch up. I love that Royall lives in Lethbridge now, and her house is lovely, as is Jonas. He was so cute and even gave me a kiss when I left. It was really darling.

Ryder's Soccer Game
I missed most of Ryder's game, but seeing as he spent a bunch of time spinning in circles, I'm thinking I didn't miss a ton. But he was cute out there, trying to kick the ball. Its cute how grown up Ryder is getting, playing sports and what not.

Reese was pretty cute too. She's kinda a funny little child. Sometimes I go "Reesey!" And she goes "Whaaat?" And I go "Whaaaat?" And it goes back and forth. I just think its funny.

Christmas Shopping

I had several days that made me feel like a super hipster. I kinda like it. And probably should have done an outfit post about it. But Christmas Shopping is such a weird time. I felt pretty over shopping upon arriving in Lethbridge. Because it is such effort and so many people. But of course no shopping is complete without repeatedly stalking something I want. And I stalked it real good.

LCI Alumni Basketball Game
Dave told me about this Alumni game and since I kinda love Alaya and Cathy, I made sure that they were coming. Please admire the circle scarf I made for Cathy. She unintentionally was very team spirit with her green and gold. And she fully supported my hipster glasses.

I was surprised that the alumni game was actually pretty good. I fully expected old men getting beat down by some high school students. But they were neither fat nor getting beat down. The old men definitely beat the highschoolers. And it was a pretty entertaining time. It was weird being in my high school. I haven't been back since I stopped coaching the JV Rugby team about five years ago. The school is the exact same though. So I'm pretty sure I didn't miss anything.

Jesse's Surprise
Jesse was planning on staying in Hawaii for Christmas. So it was a lovely surprise when Maikal called me down and out popped Jesse. I couldn't have been more excited. Jesse, the person I hang out with. He's my adventure friend. And I was definitely missing him when he wasn't coming home.

It was a fun surprise for everyone, having Jess show up.

Picture A Day

2012-01-04T23:59:00.000-05:00

Alisun challenged me to take a picture a day for the next year.

And so far, each day I've been making a conscious effort to take some pictures

that I could use for my one picture a day.

Narrowing pictures down has never been my strong suit.

I could easily have added more.

Because for most of the days, there have been multiple I really wanted to showcase.

But I think I like this one picture everyday.

And I'll do my best to keep up with it.

Where Was My Fault?

2011-12-27T16:07:00.001-05:00

Christmas Project

2011-12-24T22:11:00.000-05:00

I just joined Pinterest. Matt has been hassling me to join it for months. So I finally got a friend to invite me to it. And it is interesting. I'm not sure I love it, but I can see the value in it. But I decided to try one of the projects I saw for making a circle scarf. I know I don't give off the impression that I am domesticated but occasionally I have my moments. Plus this was a super simple idea. Win Win. I went to a fabric store (and seeing as I don't necessarily sew, it took me a bit to find a fabric store that had some knit fabrics) and picked a bunch of different knit fabric types and came home and told my mom my plan. She, of course, thought it was the best idea ever and as such went crazy buying fabric to make her own. I like creating things though. And I think in my future life, when I'm not a dental student, I might make more of an effort to be domesticated. Currently, its one of those things that gets put on the back burner since I technically don't really need it.

I did mine a little different than the tutorial said to do it. I sewed my fabric wrong sides together and then sewed the edge down with a zigzag stitch. I thought that gave a nicer seam on the inside and outside of the scarf. Google taught me that this type of seam is called a False Flat-Felled Seam.

Depending on the fabric you may need to adjust either the length or width of your fabric to get a good thickness for around your neck.

Christmas At the Lowry's Part II

2011-12-24T20:19:00.001-05:00

Oh Hello Cute little Troll Dolls.

Christmas At the Lowry's Part I

2011-12-24T20:17:00.000-05:00

Dave and the children got together one night to make a gingerbread house.

The icing was a little less than set and a little messy.

The children placed the candy wherever their little hearts desired as their dad iced.

Ryder spent the majority of the time eating the candy.

Katelyn spent the majority of time dictating how the candy should be placed.

They were quite darling.

I just think that Dave is a great dad. And while part of me was sad when they moved into our house (cause I currently have children who have overtaken my room), the bigger, better part of me is so glad that I get to spend so much time with their family and witness all the cute things that come with having a family. I love Dave's little family. Even though sometimes his children are insane.

But they call me Aunt. And its weird but quite endearing.

Ryd may have had the right idea though... cause that candy wasn't half bad :)

Boston-Edmonton-Cold Lake-Edmonton-Lethbridge

2011-12-22T02:13:00.000-05:00

I wanted a dental appointment with my dad.

Josh wanted to hang out with his friends in Edmonton.

My dad wanted fresh fish from Costco.

This resulted in a most ridiculous amount of travelling in a very short period of time.

But it was kinda nice to make a trip back to Edmonton.

We went to West Ed's water park.

Which was more fun than I anticipated.

I stupidly get nervous before doing fun activities.

Particularly if they involve me in swim suit nakedness.

Geof Crebas, Josh Koegler, Wilde Twin, Nathaniel, Josh, Tyler Seaborn, Wilde Twin, Dan Wilde, Aubrey Heninger

Something I really like was getting to go see my favourite house in Edmonton again and finally taking a picture of it...

I used to run past this house. I think its amazing.

All that brick. And those windows and the balconies.

Yup. I like it.

The Not Thanksgiving Part II

2011-12-22T01:13:00.000-05:00

I won't lie, getting to see my family at American Thanksgiving was nice, but it wasn't what prompted my trip. Of course, as things turned out, I had it re-confirmed for me how my family will forever be there for me. Other plans may fall through, expectations may turn dour, but my family will always rise above that. I feel very lucky that I have such a foundation in my life, that I can take a limb, but if that branch should break, that my family is there to catch me.

So in continuation with my favourite parts of my not thanksgiving weekend:

CHINESE FOOD

Family tradition is to get together and eat at the Mandarin. Its just what we do. The chinese food is pretty top notch. And the fact that we gather all together and take up half the restaurant is comical. I had to re-tell my mugging story about four times and the main responses were that first and foremost, that the boy cousins were disappointed that years of being with them didn't teach me to punch and hit and inflict any punishment on my muggers. The second response (from a much smaller portion of Aunties) was that they were horrified that I would ever walk around by myself. To each I rolled my eyes. Even though those kids were doing a terrible thing to me, I honestly could not bring myself to hit them back. No, I didn't go easily. I defended myself by trying to keep them away. But there was no offensive attack. Its a hard mentality to get over, the feeling that inflicting pain on someone else is bad, especially since on occasion it can be called for.

Since the mugging, I keep thinking about how I ought to have punched and kicked them back rather than just passively trying to keep them away. But I can't change my actions. But I do think my cousins and brothers are right - they were attacking me, and I needed to do more than just try to keep them off, I needed to more proactively defended myself. But its easy for them to say I should have done that after the fact. Especially, since I have never needed to defend myself in such a manner before.

As for never walking alone; As a single person I have always felt that I cannot afford to be afraid to be alone and to be afraid of where I live. Because there is nothing I can do about being alone. And if I only went outside with someone else, I would honestly very rarely go outside. I live alone. I need to be ok walking alone. I need to be ok on my own. I like being unafraid, even when people think I'm foolish for it. I know pretty much everyone thinks that I ought to have such fear now; It would be a rational response. But I am not a fearful sort of person. And I don't want to be. Has walking outside in the dark by myself been tough? Yes. Which is something I quite honestly didn't expect, considering I wasn't afraid while the whole situation was occurring or immediately thereafter. But that kind of fear is unacceptable to me. I don't want to live in fear, however justified it may be. Of course, this experience has affected me. But I've had worse things to get over than a fear of walking alone. And I absolutely plan on working past the small fear that has settled in my subconscious.

NATALIE
Sometimes I forget how seriously funny Nat and Dave are. And how its a shame that I live so far away and don't get to spend much time with them. So it was kinda wonderful that this weekend allowed me to spend some serious quality time with Nat. We hung around the house and chatted, and I really liked it. As sister-in-laws go, I'm pretty sure I've been very lucky. Because both of mine are beyond great.

WEDDINGS THAT ARE MORE ABOUT THE
COUSIN SLASH FAMILY TIME

Is it rude that I pretty much only like some weddings because of the people I get to be there with?
Because thats pretty regularly the case. We got some lovely malts from a gas station - because where else would you get them from really - and did some major dodging of some stranger danger hugger. Tiffany is a quick learner. Good work team.

And last but not least...

COUSIN GAME NIGHT.

After Chinese food we head over to Maikal and Brittany's to play games. After making me demonstrate some self defense moves we played several rounds of Werewolf (which is a rad game). I loved the cousins. A little bit though, they were the quickest rounds of Werewolf I've ever played, and kinda lame. Which is a shame considering Werewolf in Edmonton used to be a staple. The Cousins are great though. Always are. My favourite part was that we played the entire game in Maikal and Brittany's bedroom on their super bed.

Long and short of it - I probably wouldn't come home again for American Thanksgiving. Which may never be an issue depending on where I end up in life. Basically I think weekend trips are kind of a bust and never really turn out for me. I'm glad I got to be apart of these highlighted good parts. But for future reference I think I'll pass.

Lets be hipster friends.

2011-12-15T05:33:00.000-05:00

On the train the other day, I eavesdropped as a group of friends turned on one of their own with big accusations. Four friends argued against one. And as the train was delayed and they were speaking rather loudly, I couldn't help but listen to every word. What accusation were they choosing that day to level against their friend? Oh, just that he was a closet hipster.

I wanted to laugh in their faces. But settled for smirking in my chair with eyes that never focused directly on any one group member for too long.

Was he a hipster? Absolutely. He had the scarf and slip on boat shoes to prove it. And their argument about indie music also being hipster music had me biting my cheeks.

I laughed about it later. The one friend was positive he wasn't a hipster. He even went so far as to pull up his chunky sweater and say "Would a hipster wear a soccer jersey?" While all his friends assured him, that indeed they would. And indeed this was further proof that he was. But it got me thinking about those damn pretentious hipsters. And as I thought about it, I realized, there is a very real possibility that I might just be a closet hipster.

Without further ado... You might be a hipster if you...

- Suddenly develop an odd love of small forest creatures and feel the need to start collecting porcelain, quilted or pictorial versions of said creatures.
- On occasion wear oversized glasses, cardigans, jackets, scarves and winter toques. And if all of the aforementioned are worn at one time, you most definitely are a hipster.
- Can only vaguely recall a time when skinny jeans weren't the only type of jeans in your closet.
- Have a strange love of shirts with either wolves, moose, owls or caribou and find it a point of pride if a full moon can be seen in these epic shirts.
- Have a secret pride point when your favourite bands haven't been heard of by anyone else in your circle of friends (thus allowing you to fully educate each of your friends on what they're missing in the world of underground music)
- Don't own shoes with laces and even in winter you don't wear socks with said slip-on shoes.
- Don't have any food allergies, but you have started to enjoy, and make food like you do.
- Own a polaroid instant camera or some other film camera that creates artsy, light leaked, distorted pictures.
- Love herbal teas and telling people how much you love herbal tea.
- Have made Urban outfitters your place. Books, clothes, crap you certainly don't really need - it can all be found there.
- Spend an inordinate amount of time pursuing tumblr, blogs, pinterest, youtube and other various time wasting websites.
- Talk about travelling abroad often and feel that travelling abroad is a quintessential life experience.
- Are never far from a classic literature novel and/or any other book, and you love to discuss or quote said books.

Chances are... I might be a bit of a hipster.
A little bit pretentious of me? You betcha.

Meh. Happens.

Call It A Trend

2011-12-08T22:53:00.000-05:00

As usual, I am neglecting to pack.

Even though I really need to.

Tomorrow is my last day of externship (minus the for sure one or two times I'll need to go back to finish cases).

And instead of picking up and getting ready to leave this place I'm eating popsicles. And watching tv.

Packing motivation?

That would be non-existent.

Somehow I have more stuff here than when I arrived.

Ug. I hate packing.

The Not Thanksgiving Part I

2011-12-06T02:26:00.002-05:00

I called my father up two weeks before American Thanksgiving, and in a feeble voice and roundabout manner, asked him quietly if he would bring me home for American Thanksgiving. He gave me a gruff response and told me not to get my hopes up. But my hopes were already up. The idea had entered my brain and had already consumed me. The urgency with which I wanted to return home shocked me. So my father's less than favourable response was disappointing. But, like me, he needs to adjust to an idea before he can fully accept it. So when he called me back a few hours later, his tone conveyed that he would be happy to allow me this ridiculously short notice request. My dad is the best, because he really and truly does try to accommodate to the best of his abilities. He doesn't let me be ridiculous, but he often goes above and beyond for me. And I know I don't often express my appreciation for that.

But I had some favourite parts of the weekend.

Young Josh picked me up from the airport. I had left really early and when I walked out of customs I expected to see his smiling face.

But he was no where to be found.

And I pouted... I still remember the couple of times when the people who were picking me up were over an hour late coming. And its a little disheartening to step off the plane and have no one there waiting for you.

So I called him.

And he cursed his luck.

Poor boy had arrived over an hour early to get me, but had to move his car three times, to stay in the free parking. And on the third time, he just knew that I would get out and he'd still be moving the car.

He was right. That did happen.

I was glad to have some time with Josh though.

And was pleasantly surprised to find Josh to be EXACTLY as he had been before he left.

And I don't mean that in a bad way. Because Josh has always been kind, funny, thoughtful, smart and wise.

And he is still all those things. Just now he has some mission stories to emphasize the points he already was making. It was surreal, the feeling that nothing had changed, while really, everything has changed. But Josh is just Josh. Constant and steady.

But two very funny moments happened while I was at home, the first involving Josh.

NUMBER ONE. I arrived home on Thursday and didn't tell anyone I had been mugged. I was embarrassed and really, how do you bring something like that up? So I just didn't say a word.

But Friday, Josh comes into my room in the morning and begins his usual banter to me. Well he grabs onto my hand (which had a large fingernail scrape down the back of it from the Wednesday night events), and I pull away.

"Ow, Josh! Dont do that. My hand hurts!"

"Why? What did you do to your hand?"

"I got mugged."

"Shut uuup! No you didn't. What really happened to your hand?"

"I got mugged. I don't know how to say this another way."

"Shuuut uuup. Seriously, you don't need to lie. For real, just tell me what really happened."

After going back and worth like that, I finally pulled out my phone and let him listen to the voicemail the District Attorney in Boston left me, saying they were charging the girl I had identified (the bigger girl) with armed robbery.

And only then did he believe that I was telling the truth.

It was hilarious that he wouldn't believe me.

Why would I make up such a story?

His first response after he began to believe me?

"You always have the coolest stories Melissa. Seriously, all the crazy stuff always happens to you."

He's not wrong. My life, for the most part, is never that dull.

NUMBER TWO. But Matt and Tiff came over in the afternoon and were on hold with an insurance company. My dad, Matt, Tiff and I were all sitting close and bantering back and forth, when Matt saw the huge scratch on my hand.

Matt: "What happened to your hand?"

Me: "I got mugged."

To which Tiffany responded "Moving on" and turned the conversation back to insurance.

I mean, I wasn't making a big deal of it, so I suppose its fair that other people didn't feel the need to either. I had been a little surprised by the response, but shrugged it off.

After they were off the phone, Matt, Tiff, my dad and I got in the truck to go eat lunch, and as we drove Matt brought up my hand again.

Matt: "Oh, so what happened to your hand?"

Me: "I told you, I got mugged."

Tiffany: "WHAT?! That was real? I thought you were just joking!"

Matt: "Are you serious?"

Dad: "Ya, she actually got mugged."

Tiffany was thoroughly horrified that she hadn't believed me at first. But I suppose the casual manner with which I mentioned it made it sound fictional. There were no tears. Just a matter of fact re-telling of the events.

I actually find it endearing that they couldn't believe that something like that would happen to me. Because seriously, who gets mugged? Its so unlikely and so random. And their responses are hilarious to me.

I love that Matt and Tiff tried really hard to make sure both sides got to see them and spend time with them. They came to the West Side for like fifteen minutes, just so they could see Dave.

I think that the division of family time is one of the hardest things when you get married. Because you go from spending all your time with YOUR family, and suddenly you have to sometimes miss things because you have another family that also wants your time and attention. I know that it was hectic to divide their time and resulted in several drives across the city, but I, for one, really appreciate the fact that Matt and Tiff make such a huge effort to let each of their families know they still love them and want to spend time together. And even let straggling siblings crash other family time.

Matt and Tiff are just my favourites. And I love getting to be around them and couldn't help but feel so excited that we had both made it home for American Thanksgiving. The combo of them together makes me laugh so much. And I often think I need to laugh more.

To be continued...

2011-12-05T17:00:00.000-05:00

For the back of my closet

2011-11-28T21:28:00.002-05:00

Press play.

Right Ahead, You Sailor! by Right Away, Great Captain! on Grooveshark

Dear [Secret],

I cannot pretend to understand you fully. I quite honestly can hear what you’re saying and I can even see the value of it and where it possibly could be logical, but cannot fathom what event has made you so fearful to take a chance on someone. And while you probably think that our last conversation was about friendship and travelling, it was actually about the ability to take a chance on someone and valuing love. To think that you cannot date someone until you know everything about them is ridiculous (and as someone who values getting to know someone well before you marry them, even I find it extreme). Even after years of knowing someone intimately, you will still discover things you didn’t know about them before. And dating and friendship are not the same. Dating someone, in my mind, develops a different kind of closeness than being someone’s friend. I respect your need for friendship; I think its perfectly smart and it is something that I want, a base of friendship in my relationships, but I also think that it is partly an excuse you use. A barrier and obstacle you put in your own way. A way for you to eliminate and ease your conscience for not dating people and setting your priorities on a career and other aspects of your life, because you never really have to romantically invest your feelings and you can say that you’re just developing friendships and act like you aren't completely closing yourself off to people. But I think it limits the potential certain relationships could have. I think you sometimes choose to have inappropriate levels of intimacy with people. And I pity you for not knowing the difference. And I pity them for allowing you to cheapen their emotions. I think that there are some emotions, intimacies and affection that shouldn’t be shared with every friend and ought to be reserved for when you are actually dating someone. If they were married, you would find such intimacy inappropriate. But because both parties are single, somehow you have convinced yourself that you’re just developing friendships. And it’s a fine course of action. And I think your intimacies allow you some of the benefits of a relationship without you ever having to commit and take a risk on any one person and allow you to eliminate people without any real feelings. You think you know best, and I can picture the slight head shake and defiant eyes you have as you read this. What I say is not going to change your opinion. Of that I’m sure. But while I am often frightened of being hurt, I am never above taking a risk on someone -- obviously. No matter the pain or disappointment that is left in the wake of such bravery. And even though it has yet to pay off in any respect, I still hold out a hope that it might.

I’m taking the chance that you will read this. And I know, that you will know it is meant for you, if you do. I realize that this format may not be the place to respond to you. But truthfully, the thought of playing this out in secret and directly to you makes me ill. For you have wounded me far greater than I could ever convey to you. Or have you understand. And that is just one of those things. Sometimes things don’t work out how we think they will. But our previous intimacy feels inappropriate now. Like I am asking for you to continue to wound me. Because I have real feelings for you and you can only logically and rationally see me as a fresh perspective you are missing in your wheelhouse of friends. I felt like I was very open and honest about what I wanted. I told you what my intentions were. And I tried to be direct, even though such openness is hard for me, because I thought it might protect me in some manner. Because knowing is better than wondering. And I thought you were worth the risk and the effort. But that was for naught. I thought that for my directness, I would be rewarded with equal frankness. I had thought I knew what you were saying to me, but it now turns out that you were not as straightforward as I had thought. You may not think it but you hinted at having romantic feelings for me, playing on my hopes, when that was so clearly not the case for you or not your intentions. And maybe for your other friendships, that works. But for me, that was a betrayal of my trust. And as such, I now realize I gave you far more credit than you deserved. Unintentionally assuming far too much in your favor. I now know that you cannot give me what I need. Even if you never read this, it doesn’t matter. Because having it said is what’s important.

Friendship is important to me. To presume that because some of my closest relationships are with my family, they are not as valid as outside friendships, is to belittle the hours that have gone in to make those relationships. I realize that I do not easily make friends. So the importance of my friendships increases because of the rarity and how much effort it takes from me. Each and every friendship I have is something I treasure. And it is something I have worked at. And to look down upon some of my friendships, because they are with my family members is insulting. My family associations provide me with some of my greatest life fulfillment. And I plan to always make the effort to be emotionally close to them, even if I am physically far away. I am grateful to be so close with so many of my immediate and extended family members. Being close to them has been an intentional effort. Because I wasn’t always. But I realized early on that my greatest joys will come from my family associations. And I don’t think that their friendships are of any less value because we are blood and have an implied relationship. I CHOOSE them. And I thank God that I was blessed to have my lot cast with theirs. Because the variety and extensive value each of them offers to me is immeasurable. Their lives each take such different paths. Their experiences so varied. And I am lucky to be able to draw from their strengths and be a strength to their weaknesses. Our love as a family is one of my greatest sources of happiness. But the love I have for them as my family is separate from the love I have developed as I have truly sought to become real friends with them. Their friendships have been made with the exact same effort and forethought that I have used to make friends outside of my family. And the relationships are kept close with the same effort. I too chose CLOSE relationships. But where we differ, is I believe my family is supposed to be there for me. And should be a priority in my life. So yes, I hope that who I marry, values family as much as I do. Family is what is important, in the gospel and in life. And I refuse to feel bad for needing them in my life. And choosing to need them. I make them a priority and try to not undervalue them. Do I think they are the only people I can depend on in my life? No. Do I see the value of having independence from my parents (both emotionally and financially)? Absolutely. Do I plan on uniting with my future spouse and clinging to them for support and when appropriate to solve problems together? Of course. But I would never purposely create distance between myself and my family just for the sake of my pride, so I could feel that I am so perfectly fine on my own and don’t need to depend on them. Family ought to be there for you. They should be a source to draw from. I don’t usually outright disagree with people’s opinions (trying to allow people the benefit of differing viewpoints), but I think that you do not value your family enough.

Also, to presume that my family are the only friendships I value is to belittle another group of friends who have been such a crucial part of my life. I agree that life experiences are only valuable if you have people to share them with. And I have been lucky, that I have found, in each place I have lived, people with whom I could bond and share life experiences with. Moving away to dental school was hard. And I quite literally could have had no success if I had not developed friendships with my classmates. I know because I always tend to do things the hard way first. My first year of dental school was one of the hardest years of my life, with little satisfaction, as I was far from my family and my friends. I felt lost and lonely because I had yet to make real and lasting relationships with anyone in Boston. And I am forever grateful for the inclusive nature of John, Derrick and some of my other friends. They may not have realized it when they began to include me, but I needed their friendships. I needed them to sit with me occasionally in class. And notice me. I needed to have people in the same city that I could depend on and have depend on me. That give and take was so crucial for me. Yes, I’m sure that for you travelling has helped you realize the value of friendships. But that isn't the only way. And it causes me some irritation when people assume there is only one way of learning and experiencing something. My dental school friends and I have survived because of each other. No one understands better than they do what I have gone through in the last three years. In fact, if you have not been to dental school, you don’t get it. And I have no doubts that they will be my lifelong friends. We have shared too much for me to think otherwise. What has allowed me to survive, and in some cases succeed and thrive, in each new life experience I have had, has been the friends I have made. Sometimes it took years to find them, as is the case with Ali and Stef in Edmonton. But I could not have survived without knowing them. They taught me many important lessons. And I would never de-value their friendships, just because we don’t often have the opportunity to catch up. Or their friendships weren't made under flashier circumstances.

You seem to be under the false assumption that things far away from home mean more. “Oh, our first world problems don’t matter at all!” And while I don’t disagree that there are many people in the world that have it worse off than us, I could never agree that that makes them more important than people I know personally. I cannot fathom, finding strangers more important to me than my own friends and family. And I think you are at a wrong for having such a belief. Because it says that you care more for people you have never met, than for people who have loved you with no expectation of anything in return (as is the case with friends and family). Just because we do not have to struggle with torn apart families, war, hunger and famine doesn’t make our struggles of so much less value. Our problems are different for sure. There is beauty in the day to day, ordinariness of our lives. I agree that some things ought to be put in perspective by greater events. But I would never call someone’s personal and emotional struggles trivial. And I think that is where you truly do not get it. People’s emotions and experiences matter.

I guess my irrational anxiety wasn’t so irrational after all. My doubts were founded. And I feel hurt. And foolish. But I know that I will get over it. And I hope that things do work out for you. Please don’t feel like this experience has caused me to hate you or something (not that you would care if I did, since I’m sure such a feeling would be categorized as just another one of those trivial things in life that don’t matter since its not occurring on a grander stage). Because I don’t hate you. I think you are foolish at times, and that you don’t necessarily have your priorities where I think they should be, but that doesn’t negate your good qualities. I wanted to give you a chance again because I can recognize your value. And I realized that it hurt you a bit to be called a robot. But not unlike when you called me out for being selfish, I did it because I wanted you to realize how you can be perceived, with the hope that you might learn to value people’s feelings and emotions more and change for the better. Its not something you’re good at and it truthfully was my biggest concern about you. But it is something that is critical for all people to learn. I wish you luck, [Secret]. I really and truly do but I’m done, which is not an easy conclusion to come to or stick by. But I can’t play these sort of games anymore. There is more out there and I’m not willing to have you occupy a spot that ought to be reserved for someone who would actually be willing to care about me, as more than just a well read, pro-education, grad school student perspective. I am more than that. And want more than that.

2011-11-24T02:03:00.004-05:00

Travelling home fills me with irrational trepidation. And even though rationally I know there is no real ground to the feeling, I can't shake it. I become extra sensitive. I become needy. And I cry - Oh I cry. I know generally the feeling is just my fears. Fears that people I care deeply about won't love me once I'm not far away. That their love is conditional upon me being an arms length away at all times. Fears that all the pressure and expectation that has been building in me, will be for naught. I do it to myself. But knowing that doesn't really help me. The anxiety courses through me. Imagined slights becomes intentional hints at people's true feelings. Friends and family try to talk me off the ledge. But I can't pull myself away. Because that is my deep dark secret - On the precipice of seeing those dearest to me again, I almost believe that my feelings are not reciprocated. It is irrational. It is stupid. It is part self pity and part self loathing. But it is there.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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"Our love story could be kind of gory
we'd meet at a post-apocalyse
Yeah, I'd be slowly walking
in a group stalking you,
you'd be the only man alive
that I could not resist"
I quietly sung as I walked home, texting Alisun all the while. Maybe I ought to keep walking and get some of the anxiety out. Either way I should at least stop at home. Check my flight. Call for my morning cab. I love that sometimes Alisun and I think to text each other at the same time. I just like us. Maybe I should stop and get a snack for the plane. No, healthy eating. Candy will not fix anxiety. A small smile and a quiet laugh sneak out as I read Alisun's texts.
Someone runs past and with a big grin turns to me.
Suddenly I am wrapped up from behind. My first thought: "Has one of my friends seen me and is grabbing me from behind?"
The smiling boy commands "Give us your bag." And suddenly there are many people around me.
"No. Don't do this. NO, I will not give you it."
There are so many hands on me. Why do people do this?
Hold tight to your phone. Don't let it go.
The boys grab my bag.
But I will not let them have it.
"NO. Stop. Stop. Don't do this." Instantly, I flash back to walking home alone, thinking about what I would do if someone accosted me. And I know I would not go easy. I'd fight.
Hands still on me. They are pulling. I am pulling. But I have nothing but the strap. And there is a smaller hand that grabs my headphones and yanks, while simultaneously the strap of the bag breaks.
The two boys turn and run, with the smaller girl with my iPod following close behind and the bigger girl trailing.
I start to run. My lungs hurt. The air is so cold. It burns and stings. I quickly catch up to the bigger girl who has started to walk. She's out of shape.
I grab her arm.
"Ok, ok. Just leave me alone. Guys! Guys! Come back!"
I should phone the police. I've never called 911 before. But I don't want to lose this girl. I divide my attention between her calling out and the thought that I should also be calling out.
Why is no one around?
"Guys! Guys!"
The little girl in the grey hoodie and black puffy jacket saunters her way back towards us, my iPod still dangling from her hand. I grip the bigger girls' arm in my hand. Her green jacket firmly planted in my hand. My cell phone in the other hand.
As the little girl comes up I request, "Give me my iPod back." And begin to try to use my phone to call the police.
Suddenly, both girls turn and begin trying to pin my arms.
"Grab her phone! Grab her phone!"
Pushed against a fence. Two on one. But I will not go easy.
My feet are lifted off the ground in the struggle. Hands on my hands. Tearing and clawing to reach my phone.
I wrench my hands away but they lock me in tight. Lifted off the ground I wrap my legs around the smaller girl, as I fall to the ground on top of the bigger girl who has stumbled part way to the ground; simultaneously trying to contain that small girl and keep her greedy hands from getting any closer to me as I grapple with the larger girl. I struggle to keep my phone away from their hands. Their pawing and clawing hands. Someone pulls my hair
The little girl, my legs both wrapped and pushing her away, lifts her foot and begins to kick. But they are not hard kicks. This is a brawl of unseasoned fighters. Of girls who have always appeared tough, but may not have had any need to prove it. Punches and kicks thrown without any weight. Without any real force.
"Do you have her phone?"
"No, I can't get it."
My right shoe falls off as they right themselves and begin to run in opposite directions.
Call the police Melissa.
"911 What's your emergency?"
Don't lose her. Follow the girl with your iPod. Leave your shoe. You'll come back for it.
"I've been mugged. I'm following one of the girls." I can barely get it out. The air stings and burns my lungs. I can't run and talk to the dispatch.
"Where are you?"
"I'm following one of the girls who mugged me."
We both walk. I follow her through the alley. Onto the path that leads through the subsidized housing.
I keep expecting her to start to run again. To turn around and see me. But she doesn't. She walks quickly ahead of me. Past the brick subsidized houses. I have a fleeting thought that chasing after is not the smartest idea. What if more people come out of these houses to attack me? But I push it quickly from my mind. Unlikely.
"Where are you?"
"I'm following the girl, between Shawmut and Tremont."
"Cross street? We'll send a squad car your way."
Where'd she go? The path turned. I didn't see where she went. I was too busy trying to figure out where I am. I don't know exactly where I am. I know I'm by the post-office. Where did she go? Probably into one of the houses. How could I lose her?
"Where are you? Where is the girl? What is she wearing? What did she look like?"
"I lost her. I can't see her anymore. She was wearing a grey hoodie and black puffy jacket."
"Are you by Shawmut?"
"No closer to Tremont. Let me just see what street I'm on."
What is that man saying to me?
"What?"
"Do you need help?"
"I'm on Agwedilla Street and Tremont," I direct the dispatcher.
"Aguadilla? The cruiser will be right there. What did your attackers look like? What did they take?"
"There were four of them. Two boys and two girls. One of the boys came in front of me and the other grabbed me from behind"
"Can you describe them?"
My foot is cold. I need to find my shoe. I only have on one shoe. The man who had called to me tosses me a glance as he enters his building. Did he see where she went? Blue and white lights whip past on Tremont.
They probably can't find this tiny street.
The dispatcher peppers me with the same questions. Descriptions. What did they look like. What were they wearing. When did this happen. Where.
I don't know. They were black. Young. Teenagers. I didn't get a good look at the boys. Why do people have to do things like this? I can't believe I lost that girl. I think one of the girls was wearing a green jacket and a touque.
"A what?"
"A touque. A winter hat."
Curse. America never knows what I'm saying.
Blue and white lights pull into the street.
"Are you the mugging victim? Can you tell us what happened? Are you hurt?"
"Four people jumped me. I chased after them and caught the bigger girl. Then the little girl came back and they both started to fight me. I lost my shoe."
"Are you hurt? Do you want to get in the cruiser? Here, get in."
"I lost my shoe. A couple blocks over. I lost my shoe when I was fighting the girls."
I slide into the back seat, pushing aside whats on the seat.
And I cannot stop thinking about Mike Rolin. The night before his flight he was mugged. The night before my flight I am mugged.
"What did they get? Where did this happen? Can you describe them? How many of them were there?"
Police hats. That is what is on the seat. Police hats and paper.
"Are you ok? Do you need an ambulance?"
"I'm not hurt. Except perhaps my pride."
What an easy target I made. iPod in. Distracted. Singing softly to myself.
Idiot.
I know that is what the cops are thinking.
"Can I call my parents?"
"You still have your phone. Of course."
There's blood of my phone. My hand. The back of my hand is bleeding.
"We'll call you back..."
"Mom. No. I've been mugged."
Tears burst forth as I tell my mom what happened. And stupidly lament the loss of my possessions.
"I know it doesn't matter," I sputter.
"You're probably scared. I'm sorry this happened."
But I'm not scared. Fear has been absent through this entire ordeal. I wasn't going to let them take my stuff. But I couldn't stop them. I just wish I hadn't lost my stuff. I wasn't even a block from my house. And I don't understand why people do this. I want to find my shoe.
My hair is dishevelled. I only have one shoe. And my jaw hurts. I leave in five hours to fly home.
"Where do you live? We'll take you home."
"Can we find my shoe first?"

BVCHC

2011-11-21T23:06:00.000-05:00

11.20

2011-11-20T20:44:00.000-05:00

I'm ________ about coming home.

I'm trying to __________ my ____________.

I'm ___________ about how it'll ___________.

But it _______ ___________ ______ ________.

Riding High

2011-11-15T23:01:00.001-05:00

High on what you say? High on life baby. Lately I have been feeling such overwhelming joy. Yes, sometimes Dr. B makes me want to punch something. Yes, I still get stressed and feel insecure. But riding below the surface of all of that is a happiness. A joy about where my life is. I feel secure despite the uncertainness of my future. And I would have to say that a large part of this recent feeling is due to an increased effort of mine to be more open. I feel such satisfaction, because instead of worrying and wondering, I have made the bold move to vocalize my thoughts, feelings and needs. There is such gratification in this new approach. I honestly don't know why I ever held out. Because knowing>wondering.

Wanna know the nitty gritty of things that are making me happy in the last few days?

1. I heard a hilarious story the other day, that has had me grinning like a fool every time I think of it. And I think of it often.

2. One of the assistants took me grocery shopping at lunch today. I bought this pesto and sun dried tomato cheese... Oh, Lordy. It is freaking unbelievably good. I had my doubts... but goodness gracious. Expectations? Blasted to smithereens.

3. My father is the bomb. Yes, sometimes I ask for things short notice. But he always does his best to make me happy and give me what I ask for. He's kinda great like that. And I'm extremely lucky.

4. My Alberta flights are booked. And I found out that the patient I was debating coming back from Alberta for, can come on other days besides Friday. Thus negating my need to come back early. So that is a flight scheduling win.

5. And did I forget to mention that I'm coming home for Thanksgiving too? Yup, booked my flight on Monday. Epic sibling reunion? I think so.

I'm just happy. And thats kind of noteworthy.

International First

2011-11-09T21:20:00.001-05:00

I am going to go on my first trip outside of the US and Canada!
With two of my best friends in dental school!
For ten days!
I don't have a lot of information about the actual trip, but I'm so excited. And nervous!

Sunday in the Fens

2011-11-08T23:13:00.000-05:00

I think I should take more Sunday walks and more Sunday naps.

Post-HCHC

2011-11-05T22:29:00.000-04:00

Small fact about Me:

I usually give myself a post-haircut haircut.

Oh, and I got hardcore bangs.

Yup.

Farsighted

2011-11-01T23:45:00.002-04:00

Every ounce of my grit went into today.
I woke up in a delirium, wishing for just a little bit longer of joyful unconscious oblivion.
Adam and I walked to the office at ten to 8am.
Only to discover it locked and empty.
Staff meeting.
Which no one had told us about.
I was one part ecstatic and one part annoyed at the thoughtlessness of the staff.
I could have slept longer.
And so I did.
And when Adam's knock came at my door for a second time, it took all my power to pull myself from my blankets.
Every inch of me felt heavy.
My feet dragged.
Though of course the cracks in my heels weren't helping any.
A slight lack of patients this morning, allowed me to fully go through the cases I'm trying to get credit for on externship. Scouring the calendar and quizzing Dr. B about the protocol for each step.

There is one cardinal rule for every dental student to learn to survive school.
At all costs, you must keep your head down, work hard and above all else, don't look too far into the future.
And today, I forgot that rule. The more you need to get done, the shorter the timeframe you should look at and plan for.

I have six weeks left of externship. And I foolishly started mapping out the logistics of all the cases I'm starting for credit. Even six weeks in advanced is too much right now. My stress mounted and it clung to me. It filled my lungs and was palpable in every room I entered. And once you start to look ahead, its hard to stop. Snowballing from there, I thought of being off externship and all the work that would need to be done, and started to think about boards and licensure exams that need to be planned for and scheduled and after that, the wholly unknown future post-dental school life.

There is nothing more terrifying than seeing all that needs to be done and trying to see how it will all work out.

I forgot the cardinal rule. Turns out, even on externship, I can't afford to look that far ahead of me.
Dr. B told me that all my incessant planning was giving her a headache. Twice, I got told I seemed stressed and asked if I was ok. And I wasn't. I was on the edge all day and felt that I might crash and burn up at any moment. I know that the stress made me less capable.

I hate forgetting the rule. Because this rule, controls my entire life. Personal, professional. Everything that has a future, requires me to not look or think or worry in advance.

I hate that today I forgot that I need to appear capable at all times with my externship staff. The length of leash they give to me depends fully on them believing that I can handle everything and anything they choose to send my way. And I know that despite the reasonableness of my being stressed (because seriously, I really need to accomplish a hell of a lot on externship if I even want a hope of graduating on time), I know that the respect I have built over the last four weeks is diminished with today's display of stress.

And I can't afford to have them respect me less. Because I need them to believe that the amount of work they've given me, is an amount that I can handle. Even if it is overwhelming, I greedily don't care about the stress it causes. I need it and I want it. I would rather strain and stress over the burden placed on me here, than have to go back to regular dental school without the credit. Because the alternative of doing it all at school is even more daunting.

I Just Want Ya

2011-10-31T15:00:00.000-04:00

Dress for the True North Strong

2011-10-30T16:30:00.001-04:00

Ever since study group with Derrick and Lucinda, I have had the thought that I wanted to be a "Canadian" for Halloween. I had worn my hobo jacket to study one day, and Derrick had pointed out how awesomely Canadian it was. Yes, I've been planning this costume for months. But I just thought it would be so funny. Cause I AM CANADIAN and I'm dressed as a Canadian.

In the washroom at the restaurant we ate dinner at I was washing my hands. And I look up and this woman goes "Caaanaaaadian!" to me. Which I laugh and go "I'm Canadian!" And she gets serious and goes "Like as your costume?" And I say "Yup!" And she goes "Oh." And I go "And in real life!" To which she then laughs.

This costume was just as great as the time I was a bum. Except I was a lot cuter :)

I was so comfortable and loved the concept of it so much. Gotta love that hobo/Canadian jacket.

Mid-way through this last week I had started to pout about Halloween.

I have this irrational love for Halloween. Seeing people dressed up in ridiculous costumes just makes me happy. But I miss the Alberta way of doing Halloween. I want a centralized location, filled with music, costumes and all of my friends. I wanted a good ol' fashioned YSA dance. And so I began to pout. Because I often feel that I have to choose between doing stuff with the members out here, that I'm not really friends with and therefore feel disconnected from or doing things with my friends, who enjoy a slightly less wholesome version of things but whom I adore and have so much fun with. I miss the days when my friends had my same standards. I felt like I had too many options and I just wanted to be able to celebrate Halloween and have so much fun, but I was feeling like I couldn't possibly do it all.

And I was right. I ended up not going to any of the YSA house parties or to the hockey game Dee invited me to.

PART ONE: SALEM

But I did go and spend the day in Salem. Which seemed very Halloween-y.

Truthfully, Salem was slightly overrated. It was rainy and cold. And we didn't even do a haunted house. But being with my friends in any situation is fun. I love talking with them and just hanging out. Could we have done the same thing in Boston and negated the drive? Yes, absolutely. But it was still a fun day.

Obviously, everyone loved my costume (whether they admitted it or not).

I believe a direct quote from Aaron was "Boo, Canada!"

But I can always count on a fellow Canadian to appreciate me representing!

Because of the rain, we stood inside and chatted for most of the day.

Alisun was such a cute little Alpha Wolf.

And everyone loved The Beaver.

But I was very protective of him.

Alisun was pawing at The Beaver...

and you can see why I was concerned!

It was just nice to be together and chat.

Pretty sure, my favourite part was talking with Aaron, Sabrina and Alisun about how awesome of a show Happy Endings is! Its hilarious and you should watch it if you don't.

After standing inside for awhile the girls decided to brave the weather and go wander Salem a bit.

We went through a graveyard, and into a couple cute stores.

It was freaking so cold though!

Aaron, Sabrina, Mike, Adam and Tia, Derek and Meg and a couple other people had rented a limo to go to Salem in. So we piled in the limo for a bit. It was ridiculously crowded though so that didn't really last.

PART TWO: DEREKS' HOUSE

After Salem, I was exhausted. It was only like 7:30pm, but it felt like 11:30pm. Externship is exhausting. And I'm not sure I've fully recovered from how exhausting the Education Conference was.

But Alisun and I really wanted to see everyone in their costumes, since most of the limo crew had opted against costumes in Salem.

I'm really glad we decided to tough it out though. Because being at Derek's house was my favourite part of the day. We ate, and laughed and danced ridiculously. And I left feeling that Halloween had been a success!

Everyone wanted The Beaver in their pictures!

This cake pop is actually one of the most thoughtful gestures.

Meg made cake pops for everyone. But added cupcake liquor to them.

But knowing that I don't drink, she made me a special alcohol free cake pop.

I won't lie, it felt pretty great knowing 1. They remembered my standards and 2. They accommodated for said standards. I just love that I can be myself with my friends and that they are so accepting.

Aaron and Mike Rollin might be two of my favourite people.

As Alisun, Tia and I were leaving, Aaron came to the door to say goodbye. He fretted that we hadn't had fun today in Salem because of the weather (since it had been his idea to go). And we assured him, that regardless of the weather, it was fun. And then Aaron told me that I need to stop being on externship because he misses seeing me in Clinic. My favourite part was when he spread his arms wide and went "Get in here Canadian!" and gave me a big hug. I love knowing that my friendship is important. And that my absence is noticed. So it was a really sweet moment for me.

Alisun laughed as we got in the car about knowing it was going to be a "blogging" moment. And I told her if she wanted she could express how much my friendship means to her. But in all seriousness, I know that once graduation happens, we will be spread out all over. And while I look forward to not being in school, I already feel sad about not being able to see my friends everyday. They have really and truly made dental school for me. I wouldn't have survived the last few years without them. And I truly am grateful for their acceptance. I feel like I can be myself around them. They don't care that I sometimes start doing a ridiculously monster shimmy. Or throw gangs signs. Or whatever version of dancing I attempt. Or that I mispronounce just about every word. Or that I'm full of quirks. And while I am pretty sure I won't miss school, I will miss them.

They really and truly are the best!

Preview

2011-10-29T12:15:00.000-04:00

What do these things have in common?

Clearly, they're part of my costume this year.

Can you guess what I am?

I love Halloween.

And thank goodness I stopped

pouting for two seconds so that

I can actually enjoy it this year.

Short on words

2011-10-26T23:40:00.000-04:00

Having played phone tag for almost a week with one of the possible Education Conference group facilitators (did I mention I was on the committee for this?), we finally caught each other. And then proceeded to make jokes about the moment being everything we dreamt it would be. Ha. I like when strangers joke like we know each other.

Dr. B complimented my operative skills. And like any child, I beamed from the favourable attention. Externship, just like clinic, is full of ups and downs, of feeling competent and of feeling like a reject. But there is something nice about starting to trust myself; To realize that the last three years have not been a waste and that I actually know some things. I know that I'm not the best. But I also know that I have a lot of natural ability and talent for what I'm doing. And when I also make my assistant laugh - all the better. I think I'm going to rather like being a real dentist.

Oh this? Just a ring I carved from some triad custom tray material.

Sometimes I get bored. And sometimes I carve rings. NBD.

The Fury

2011-10-19T20:42:00.001-04:00

I woke up this morning in a fury.
Sometimes when I have to do something that I haven't done before, I cry.
But sometimes my frustration leads me a different direction.
It didn't help that I received a completely unhelpful email from a faculty member.
All I wanted was to get approval for the patient I was supposed to see today.
Thats one of the challenges of externship. In order to get credit, you have to get approval.
And even though I'd faxed the forms several times, I'd heard nothing back for days.
And then I got the email.
Telling me that my forms had been rejected. But she didn't tell me why. Or bother to tell me for several days.
She just referred me back to the previous version of the form
and her notes.
Her cryptic, partially incomplete notes.
I tried phoning the school to talk to her.
But for some unknown reason, the school's number was going straight to a full voice mail.
And when I tried to get the medical phone operator to connect me
they kept sending me to people telling me that my faculty had graduated.
No. No she has not graduated. She's a faculty member.
No. No the school isn't closed. I know the hours and that there are people there.
But we are on the busy schedule for externship now.
And as I rushed to and fro, from this bay to that, seeing this patient and that,
the stress and frustration faded.
My latest fax went off.
I got the direct phone number for Carole Green (the gateway to everything at the school - seriously, she does everything).
And then I got the faxed form with one of the most beautiful things.
A signature.

I feel like its a good sign that the fast-paced bustle and hustle of a regular clinic day eases my drastic moods.
A very good sign.
Of course, things working in my favour might be a contributing factor.

Grateful IV

2011-10-11T23:13:00.001-04:00

1. For a mother who lets me call and talk to her for large amounts of time everyday of the weekend.

2. For Canadian friends, who throw impromptu Canadian Thanksgiving Dinners.
John and Tamsen are the most glorious hosts. Not only is Tamsen a phenomenal cook, but she is also wonderfully generous. Yes, I got left overs. And yes it made my day. And add to that the fact that John then drove me back to Externship. Those Canadians... good solid people.

3. For recognizing progress.
Yes it is rare for me to not curse growing up, but occasionally I will do something and then realize what progress I have made. I feel pride in those moments where I realize the strides I've made. Of course there are days where I can't see the progress. Which is what makes moments like this so poignant.

4. For the farsees.
A few weeks ago, this guy gave a talk in my ward. He told this story from his mission about asking for directions from a man. The man told him that he needed to go three farsees and then turn right. "Farsee? I'm not familiar with that distance. How far is one farsee?" And the man replied a farsee was as "far as you could see".
The point of the story is that often we don't know the plans that God has in store for us. We can't see the future. But we only need plan for as far as we can see. Nothing more than that is asked of us. Sometimes we can only see 6 months or a year away. But we don't need to plan any farther than we can see.
I often feel nervous that I don't have a future plan for after dental school. There is a certain amount of built in shame, for not having concrete life plans. But right now, the farthest I can see is graduation. So I plan for that point and try not to worry about any further ahead than that. I'm choosing to hope that once I get there I'll be able to see and plan a little further ahead.

The Days.

2011-10-07T00:30:00.003-04:00

One.
My favourite part of the day
is those few seconds when I
walk past the air vent to the
YMCA pool and smell the
chlorine air. I adore the smell
of chlorine. Turns out I would
have done well in WWI.
Chlorine gas me all the way.

Two.
My preceptor likes to monologue.
And lecture. But it turns out, I
dont invite a lot of either. The
monologuing is harder to avoid.
The lectures though? I currently
think I'm doing pretty good at
not setting her off.

Three.
Having an assistant is amazing.
I now understand how real
dentists work without constantly
having a rubber dam on. Its a
miracle what happens when
you have another set of hands.
A glorious miracle of appropriate
staffing.

Four.
Josh is home (well, not exactly,
right at this moment, but close
enough). The last of our boys
is back from his mission. My
baby brother is now officially
going to be entering the world
of adults. Its a strange feeling to
know that we must all grow up
now. I knew we couldn't stop it.
But Josh being home from his
mission just confirms it. We are
no longer little kids. We're adults
who have to move forward or die.
Too extreme? HA. Maybe, maybe
not.

Five.
I've been thinking about the subtle
messages we send. Maybe I read
too much into things. But I generally
think I read quite well. And maybe
I sense change when there is none.
But a little bit, I don't think its just
in my head.

Externship Day One

2011-10-04T00:24:00.000-04:00

After staying up late packing my things, I got up very early so that I could head to externship.

I was nervous as Adam, Tia and I drove to Pawtucket.

Adam's lovely girlfriend, willingly made sure Adam and I got out to our externship on time.

And despite the traffic, it really only took us like 45-50 minutes to get there.

Today was freaking boring.

Which I suppose is just the way things go sometimes.

Dr. B (our preceptor) talked for a really long time this morning.

And I tried very hard not to fall asleep.

Especially since she kept direct eye contact with me the entire time, like she was daring me to start to doze as she talked. But I fought hard to stay awake. I shifted my position, sat up really straight, tapped my foot, and anything else I thought that might keep me from nodding off.

But as Dr. B talked about seeing patients, the anxiety I had been feeling started to wain.

Fillings? I feel pretty prepared for that. And a little excited. Sure I have lots to learn. But I feel capable.

Dr. B talks a lot though. But I'm gonna do my best to find her mannerisms quirky instead of annoying.

Dr. B had a meeting after lunch and told us to play with the charting programs.

But you can only pretend chart for so long.

Then we met a few of the assistants.

I'm determined to remember their names in record time.

I wished that we could go back to our apartments.

But instead we spent the majority of the afternoon reading magazines.

It was insanely boring.

But I know that days like this will dwindle as externship continues.

When Dr. B finally let us go (and by that I mean, she pretty much forgot/ignored us all afternoon so the other doctors said we should say goodbye to her and get the heck out of dodge), we headed back to the apartments.

This is where we live.

Yup, we live in an old victorian house.

Of course the space is divided into smaller living quarters. And I have the small cozy apartment and Adam has the larger one down the hall from me.

I'm not one to be creeped out, but Pawtucket is a little unnerving so far.

Its so quiet. And there are loads of sketchy people around.

Even for me, with my diminished sense of fear, I feel a little uneasy being out, by myself, in the dark.

And I think as long as that feeling remains, I'll try to play it a little safe.

Its weird though. Because even though I'm technically alone in Boston, I feel even more secluded here in Pawtucket. And I know that the situation isn't all that different. Boston. Pawtucket. I'm on my own in both places. But right now it feels different.

I guess its just the new-place jitters I have.

LastDay

2011-10-02T20:28:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I love people's reactions.

Especially when they aren't forced but are just the spur of the moment.

They can be awkward. Oh can they be! But still, there's something nice about a genuine reaction.

Friday was my last official day of clinic before externship.

I had gotten all my paperwork finished on Thursday so I was good to go.

But I woke up and felt like I looked terrible.

And sometimes, when I feel like I look really terrible (and I mean Terrrrrrible), I try to compensate by getting extra ready.

Its a silly thing. Like doing my makeup or my hair and wearing clothes will change my appearance so much. But I occasionally I do it all the same.

I went to school. And the number of times that I wear real clothes to school is few and far between.

I ran into Derrick first. And he looks at me and goes "Do you have a date today? You're all dressed up."

And I laughed. No. No date. Just felt like wearing real clothes.

I ran a couple more errands and ran into Dee. She looks at me and goes "You look super great today. Do you have a date later?"

No. No date. Just felt like wearing real clothes.

I had forgotten I needed to get a crown sent out before I leave for externship so I was pouring up some models and one of my faculty wandered into the lab.

"Oh, you're wearing such nice clothes today!"

Yah. I forgot I needed to do some lab work and came to school in real clothes.

"Oh your blouse looks so delicate. Careful. I'd hate for you to wreck it."

And I laughed at how many people noticed what I was wearing and continued pouring up my models.

I ran into Lucinda as I was finishing up my school stuff.

"You look great Melissa! Do you have a date today?"

No. No date. Just felt like wearing real clothes.

It was a funny day at school. I guess wearing scrubs everyday will make any amount of extra effort I put in pretty noticeable. But I love that everyone thought I had a date. Nope. Just wearing regular ol' clothes. Just cause I own them and never get to wear them. I've actually been trying to figure out how to wear this blouse for months now. I impulse bought it for Matt's wedding but hadn't figured out how to wear it yet.

And apparently it was worn with great success.

HA.

SYTYCD

2011-09-27T23:50:00.001-04:00

Today I was doing paperwork with John and he offhandedly asked me if I was excited for the SYTYCD show tonight. And I turned and gave him an incredulous look. "The show is tomorrow John." He looked surprised. "Oh. I thought it was tonight." And I countered again "I put it in my calendar. Its definitely tomorrow." "I thought Tamsen had said..." "I'll bring up the confirmation email but I'm very sure its tomorrow."

So I pulled up my email and lo and behold "TUES Sept 27."

I couldn't believe it. I'd been telling Alisun for weeks it was on Wednesday. And a mere 6 hours before, I find out that its not Wednesday but Tuesday. If my patient hadn't of cancelled this afternoon I wouldn't of been doing paperwork with John. We wouldn't of been chatting. And I would have completely missed it. Sometimes I'm grateful for patients that cancel.

I called Alisun and left a frantic voicemail because unlike me, she had patients all afternoon (and for all I knew, perhaps tonight as well). And then just to be safe I sent a frantic text. I printed off the tickets and finished my paperwork. But I was nervous. I worried that Alisun would be mad I messed up the dates and didn't give her a heads-up. So once I finished my paperwork I headed down to the first floor to pop into Alisun's appointment.

A couple misunderstandings later, we determined that 1. Alisun wasn't mad about the date mix-up, 2. That Alisun did not have a chiropractor appointment when the show was going on and 3. That I wasn't trying to uninvite her to come with me.

I was excited though. The closer it got to the start time, the more excited I got. This season of SYTYCD was by far the best season. I usually don't end up watching the last few episodes of shows like this, cause I get bored and lose interest. But I didn't lose interest and forget about this show until the finale. HA. Yup, I went tonight not having a clue who had won. I figured it out though... once they announced it.

This event. This event quite possibly has been one of the best events I've ever been to. From the minute it started, and I really mean the minute, it was non-stop. And every number was phenomenal. The thing that really amazed me, was that unlike most shows that you go to, there really wasn't a lot of talking or breaks. It was constant. And those dancers! Oh the dancers! I wish I were a dancer. But I'm not, so I'll settle for being on the edge of my seat in awe the entire time. I had such a great time. And every now and then I would catch myself audibly being blown away by the performances. I enjoyed the regular tv show. But the live show? Oh it was the greatest show I've ever seen. At one point, I stopped for a minute and realized that I was exhausted from it being so amazing. Thats how good it was. I'm so glad that Alisun, John and Tamsen and I decided to get tickets. So so glad. I don't think its possible to sing the praises of SYTYCD enough. The entire event was run so seamlessly and perfectly. I loved it. Plain and simple.

SO EXCITED!!!!

The Lovebirds

Me: I definitely took a creeper pic of you guys...

John Keyes: Were we making out? Cause that would be hot!

HA! John - you're awkward. But really funny.

I would go to this again in a heartbeat.

In fact, I wish it had continued longer.

But the dance party in John's minivan was pretty bompin'.

The Phantom

2011-09-27T09:00:00.000-04:00

Dee asked me weeks ago if I wanted to get a ticket for this food festival thing.

She even sent me the link to it.

But I didn't buy a ticket.

And I completely forgot about it.

About a week ago, Alisun started raving about how amazing this food festival thing is that happens behind her house around Fenway and how we should go.

And it sounded intriguing. And not even vaguely familiar.

Which Dee then scoffed about and informed me that she had already told me about it.

Basically, you pay money, and then get to eat at a bajillion food vendors, while they play music in the streets.

Maybe I just needed those kind of bullet points.

But even still I didn't buy a ticket.

Lucky for me, Alisun doesn't let procrastination destroy me cause she made sure I got a ticket.

Alisun has been wanting to go to this food festival the entire time she's lived in Boston. But we've always had tests and other obligations that prevented her from going. So it was fun to check this off the list of fun things to do in Boston.

It was freaking humid on Saturday.

Ridiculous, horrible, make-me-cranky humidity.

But the copious amounts of food helped.

I stepped into the crowded streets and was immediately handed a candy necklace.

Who doesn't love a good candy necklace?

I couldn't believe how packed the street was. And how much food there was.

I was ridiculously full about three vendors in.

They had hot dogs, and ice cream bars and crepes and noodles and fudge and chicken and fries and a ton of other things.

Some of the food was amazing. And I ate until I quite literally couldn't eat another bite.

Then Alisun and I went and lounged in her apartment till we felt able to semi-move again.

It was certainly gluttony at its finest, but it was very delicious.

Hello Beautiful

2011-09-26T21:08:00.000-04:00

I love wonderful, thoughtful, happy packages.

Thanks so much Gretchen!

Father Weekend - May 21, 2011

2011-09-26T18:41:00.004-04:00

When my cousin Maikal got married, I had decided I couldn't come home for the wedding.

Truthfully, coming home takes a lot out of me. Its so emotionally draining. And sometimes,

(ok, most of the time) I come back and wonder why I went in the first place.

Because school alone is emotionally exhausting, and to add any more drama to that,

is almost more than I can take. But I at the same time I hate to miss out.

So to make me feel better about missing Maikal's wedding, my Dad came to see me.

He wanted to go to a baseball game. When I told my friends, they scoffed. Because Chicago was playing Boston for the first time in like 90 years. And they were positive that we wouldn't be able to get tickets.

But we did.

Well, my Dad did anyways.

We went to Fenway and bought some red sox paraphernalia so we could at least pretend to be fans.

It was freaking cold. And our super ultra light rain jackets were not doing it for us.

But we got commemorative cups and some fenway franks.

And I attempted to steal any warmth my father's arm would offer as we took in the feel of the game.

And then we left before the game was over. HA.

Really, its just kinda cool to be at a game.

Even if you don't stay the entire time.

We were positive that the Red Sox would win. They were definitely up when we left.

But upon arriving back at the hotel, we discovered that in the 8th inning, they'd fallen to pieces and lost miserably. The rainy-mist wasn't worth staying for the game excitement though.

It was fun to say we'd been there though. Witnessing sport history and whatnot.

Letters

2011-09-20T19:12:00.000-04:00

Dear Three Hour Appointment
That Became Six Hours
That was a little uncalled for.
All I wanted was a nice and easy crown cementation.
Instead you had me slaving away for AGES.
For real, that shouldn't of taken that long.
(Curse you contact points/internal blebs!)

Dear New License Picture

I kinda love you.

You...

1. Don't look like you're trying too hard

2. Are pretty :)

3. Are not awkward.

You're everything my last license was

missing and more.

I look forward to the next five years together.

Dear Pre-Externship Paperwork

I know I need you.

But I don't really like you right now.

Unfortunately I am getting to the

point where I can no longer ignore

you. Drat. Double drat.

Dear Yoga

Is it cool if I try to love you?

Cause this round of it has been

going alright. Which is out of

character for you. I even went

to you last week without the

moral support posse. Which

was out of character for me.

Dear Self
Listen up.
1. You're being a little obsessive and its annoying. To yourself.
2. Maybe more sleep would help.
3. Just bite the bullet. And the other one too.
4. Just hold off and forget about it.
5. No big deal, it'll work out.
Yup.
Thats what I thought.

Polenta?

2011-09-16T21:01:00.000-04:00

Todays supper was weird.

Polenta, onions, garlic, salsa and cheese all frying panned up.

Not bad, but not my favourite either.

Pluses and Minuses

2011-09-13T20:37:00.000-04:00

On the plus side I stayed awake
through my entire IPPM class

On the minus side I found

out John was an attempted

murderous bunny killer

I drew a bunny on John's paper.

He proceeded to try to kill it.

I won in the end though.

Cant beat the foot of God coming to crush

the bull dozer.

Collage Magazine Journal

2011-09-13T00:48:00.000-04:00

Back in the day I lived with a girl named Betsey.

She had a hideously annoying voice.

But for Christmas she created this beautiful collage journal for our other roommate.

And I fell in love with the idea.

I've done a couple as Christmas presents before.

And I always love them.

Even though they take forever to make.

Maybe one day I'll make one and actually keep it for myself.

I made one tonight.

I bought a big magazine (because they have tons of pictures in them).

And I cut out anything that looked cool.

And then I got to arranging the pieces.

I'm only doing the front cover (since it does take quite a bit of time).

But I'm quite pleased with the result.

You like?

Sunday

2011-09-12T02:06:00.000-04:00

I didn't sleep well last night. And I woke up early because of it. I woke up with a knot of anxiety in the pit of my stomach. Because today I was giving a talk.

Many people assume that because I blog and write things of a fairly personal nature, that that kind of openness trickles over into my interactions in person. That speaking in public might not be a big deal for me. But it isn't so. The thought of public speaking sends immediate tears to my eyes and it is only because I realize the spiritual significance that I agree to such a thing in the first place. I generally have avoided speaking in public for pretty much my entire life. Talks are terrifying for me. I never feel like I have anything of value to offer. Or more so that the amount of knowledge I currently possess is not good enough. And since requests to give talks come so infrequently, its a rare issue.

When I was asked to give this talk, I wanted to say no. I wanted to ignore the invitation but knew that the right thing to do was to say yes.

So I agreed and set to preparing. Truthfully, the guy who extends speaking opportunities for my ward has been offhandedly mentioning me speaking for quite sometime. But I'm old fashioned in that I require a formal invitation. If it contains calligraphy, all the better. So I started preparing a bit in advance. Because I don't do spur of the moment talks. If I am forced to speak, I'm going to have prepared to the best of my ability. This talk was hard for me to write. And I lamented to my mother about it. But it was good for me to write as well. I really had to look and clarify some of my half thoughts. Which is a struggle most of the time. But a deadline will push you beyond your normal limits.

I woke up panicked this morning though. Having mentioned to my friends I was speaking, Lucinda mentioned she might like to come listen. But when I woke up, I realized that after agreeing to speak, I'd never heard confirmation that I was indeed speaking. I texted the guy in charge and as I was on my way to church, talk in bag, I received this text:

"Huh? I didnt have you on my schedule at all. Do you have a talk prepared?"

I immediately felt like an idiot. Why hadn't I double checked earlier? I had just assumed since he had asked and I had responded that I was speaking. And while no one at church would know that I had prepared a talk, my pride felt wounded. I was mad. I was mad that I had stressed and worried and prepared a talk that would never be given. I was mad that this guy hadn't just sent the two second email response to my email agreeing to talk to let me know that he had already found people. And the thought of giving it a different day made me ill. I didn't want to give my talk a different day because I had prepared for this day. And talks for me, are moments in time, and once the moment passes, the talk can't just be re-used at a later date. So no talk today, meant that when this guy eventually got his act together and cornered me to speak, that I would probably end up preparing another talk.

I know its not really a big deal. So what if I didn't get to give the talk I prepared? I know that I didn't really want to give a talk in the first place, but after preparing to give a talk, not giving one is quite the disappointment. And even though I know its not a big deal, I can't help but feel upset. I know its stupid. And that its nothing to be upset about. But I had prepared so much.

I listened intently in Sacrament to the other talks, picturing how my talk would fit with the theirs. And the people who spoke did really well. I even managed to feel a little less upset as the meeting progressed. I guess I really was the person my talk was most intended for.

So without further ado - My talk (that wasn't a talk).

East of Eden

2011-09-10T11:40:00.002-04:00

I will admit. Starting this book I was intimidated. Lately I feel like my reading level has been a little... easy. Which has its place for sure. Thinking books, books that lead the reader to contemplate more than the story but the message and meaning behind it, are always a bit of an endeavour for me. I don't know why, but I develop this irrational fear when I undertake to read something that isn't just an easy read. I dip into the occasional thinking book. But 600 hundred pages of it? But I don't take people's recommendations lightly. If someone tells me I will enjoy and find something worth while, I usually make the effort to give it a chance.

I will say that I enjoyed this book. But Mr. Steinbeck certainly has a meandering way of telling a story. I know that he probably didn't include any portion that wasn't there to illustrate a point he wanted made; But all the same, I found a few of his side stories and his manner of introducing the point somewhat tedious. When he stayed with the main characters, I really enjoyed his writing style and the story. His characters are full and dynamic and very relatable. I couldn't help but relate as I'm sure all people relate. Quite honestly, there were several passages that I loved to read because of the truth contained within. It is a very smart book.

Its difficult for me to organize my thoughts on this book. There is the basic struggle of idealized versions of people. Of good and bad. Of the ability to handle disappointments. Of being a dreamer or a realist. Of jealousy, competition and never feeling good enough.

Not every good person was really good and not every bad person was all bad. You started out possibly hating a character, only to find yourself wishing that they weren't so lonely and that they would just let other people love them. The good brother wasn't always so good and the bad brother not always so bad. Even Cathy, the monster of the book, gave way to the occasional brief glimpse that hinted that she was more multi-faceted than pure evil.

A huge part of the novel was about acceptance. Being accepted for the imperfect people that we are. Not being made into some ideal, that can never be lived up to.

"The greatest terror a child can have is that he is not loved, and rejection is the hell he fears. I think everyone in the world to a large or small extent has felt rejection. And with rejection comes anger, and with anger some kind of crime in revenge for the rejection, and with the crime guilt - and there is the story of mankind"

I think that Cal (one of the twins) was my favourite character because he wasn't well liked. He was feared and respected because he was bright and clever but never loved outright. People never favoured him. And he struggled with feeling like a good person; struggled with feeling that he was worthy of people's love. He pushed people away and punished them. But he also was very sweet and very strong. He only wanted the love and adoration that his brother so easily got. And even though, he would punish his brother for people's preference, he also loved his brother. He just wanted the same love and acceptance Aron received. Like Cain and Abel of the Old Testament, he wanted his gifts to be received and welcomed and ultimately deemed acceptable. He didn't always do the right thing, but you felt the weight of his burden, and the effort he made.

Deep down Cal's story spoke to me. He wasn't easy to love. He was complicated and could be cruel as he lashed out to avoid being rejected. And I related to that. I often worry that the person that I am right in this moment is not enough. That I'm not kind enough, or thoughtful enough, or smart enough, or dedicated enough or good enough. And the list goes on until all I can see is the not enough. It makes me dizzy, the fear and doubt. And in my weakest moments, it breaks me down.

As I talked with my mother the other day, she marvelled that despite my fears, I always push forward to do the things that frighten me. I don't let my fear hinder me. And I laughed that I can be such a fearful girl and a brave risk-taker in the same breath. They seem like very contrary natures. Then again, I often feel rather contrary.

But my bravery and fear are of the same chord. I want acceptance, and I would generalize it to say that I am not alone in this fact. But no one can accept what they do not know and there is a value in seeing yourself, as you truly are and accepting that. I'm neither all bad nor am I all good. I am dynamic but each day I have the ability to choose how to live my life.

Part of the book discussed a passage about Cain and Abel, where Lee, Samuel and Adam debate the meaning behind wording used in the Old Testament as God speaks to Cain about his ability to overcome sin.

"Timshel - 'Thou mayest' - that gives a choice... That throws it right back on man. For if 'thou mayest' - it is also true that 'thou mayest not.'
...Many feel the order 'Do thou,' and throw their weight into obedience... Many feel predestination in 'Thou shalt.' But 'Thou mayest'! Why, that makes a man great, that gives him stature with the gods, for in his weakness and his filth and his murder of his brother he has still the great choice. He can choose his course and fight it through and win.
Think of the glory of the choice! That makes a man a man."

I love the thought that we aren't predestined to be anything. What we become is through our own making. It gives such power to the individual. What we become is what we make. Yes, it puts a lot of pressure on the individual as well, but there is such freedom in the ability to choose.

You've Had A Birthday Shout Hurray!

2011-09-06T22:18:00.000-04:00

My friendship with Alisun came out of the blue. It honestly was like one day we weren't friends and the next day we were the best of friends. I'm not even sure what exactly did it. It might have been our mutual love of games. It might have been that each of us is a true fourteen year old trapped in a much older body. But from the moment we became friends, Alisun has been a Godsend. Her friendship came at a moment when I really needed it. I have lovely, wonderful friends out at school. And I would never want to minimize the deep love I have for each of them. But with Alisun I can truly say anything. She laughs that I still think like a five year old at times. And she doesn't mind that sometimes I pout like a five year old too. We see each other quite often at school, but one of my favourite things is that at the end of the night we'll talk on the phone just to catch up on the little stories we may have missed from each others lives. I needed someone to share my stupid stories with, and Alisun willingly obliged.

Alisun really is something special and unique. Not only is she class president (like a true over achiever and the fake lazy person she is), but she never ceases to amaze me at all that she does. She is one of the hardest working people I've ever met and truly someone I admire a great deal. I'm always trying to play catch up with her and rise to her level. Which never happens because she is always taking on more.

I had a great time celebrating her birth!

I even sang two primary birthday songs.

Dear Alisun,

Thanks for being born!

Much love,

Melissa

PART ONE

The day began with delicious sushi from our favourite sushi place.

A little bit I want to marry those warm towels they bring to wipe your hands with.

They're GLORIOUS.

HA, my bike is "herding" Alisun's bike!

After Sushi, we went and got our nails done to celebrate some more.

I truthfully, am not a great "get my nails done" person.

I can never understand what the people say. I never know when to raise my foot. And I find watching someone work on me slightly obnoxious since sometimes I can be a bit of a perfectionist. It gets awkward.

But I do like the massage chairs. Oh, I like those a lot.

PART TWO

If you ever want to know what the greatest party idea is, just take a page from Alisun's book.

She thought that a "Make your own pizza" party would be fun.

And indeed it was.

Everyone brought one of two ingredients for the pizzas.
And Alisun slaved away the night before her birthday making a mountain of crusts for everyone.

Lucinda and I decided to do dessert pizzas.
And made some really sweet icing.

The greatest part of this party was that

1. Everyone was involved.

2. Everyone got exactly what they wanted.

If you wanted a Hawaiian pizza, you could make it.

An all-meat pizza? Sure why not.

3. It allowed people to mingle, debate pizza toppings and really just relax.

Truly it was a perfect plan for a bunch of stressed out dental students!

And seriously how awesome do these pizzas look!

The dessert pizzas were a huge success. People added toppings in whatever order they chose and it was DELICIOUS.

I might have to just go buy some pie fillings, icing sugar and dough and make some more.

The entire night was a choose your own adventure. And it really was great fun.

And best of all we sang Happy Birthday to Alisun as she attempted to blow out the candles to her surprise mermaid birthday cake.

Happy Birthday Alisun!

High in the sky

2011-09-04T23:13:00.001-04:00

Seriously, these high waist pants are really comfortable.

Perhaps not the most flattering, but you can't beat the lack of flashing that occurs in these pants.

And that shirt? Its the same shirt as this one, but I love the teal and gray and abstract print.

Did you know that the freckles I get in the summer across the bridge of my nose and cheeks are my favorite? I kind of love them and wish they were more evident all the time.

I think people with freckles are beautiful.